WTF is it with weird adults forcing hugs with kids

[Whatwoowootoo]

Got home tonight after work to an annoyed DD (5), annoyed because my dad has forced her to have a hug. My DH arrived home at the same time and DM was in the living room with them but for some reason he thinks it’s ok to force a hug.

They only have them for 2 hrs after school and now I’m going to have to cancel that!! What the fuck is wrong with him!! I don’t think there is anything more to it but why force a hug. He’s always pushed boudaries but apparently he was cuddling her and she was shouting to be let go. It’s so fucking weird.

I actually am so angry and so is my DD. She wants to do ASC now instead of have time with her DGD - and I’m gonna let her. Why would anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn’t respect a fucking no!!!!

There's a huge difference between No, I don't want to go to school and No, I don't want that adult to hug me / touch me without my consent.

Surely you would agree that it's important for children to know and learn that they can protest / establish boundaries regarding unwanted physical contact? It would be very confusing to tell a young child that it's wrong for a stranger to touch them, but okay for grandad (or grandma) to do it without their consent.

Where did I say children should be forced? I simply said I wouldnt think anything more of it from a grandparent with 2 other family members in the room, 1 of them being my child's father. I wouldn't make that into a "fuck them they can't mind her anymore" off this example of a hug that my child said she didn't like. I'd certainly tell my DF not to hug her again, but that would be as far as it went as long as he didn't hug her again.

Fair enough, but for me someone forcing my child to hug and not letting them go when they shout “get off” and then scream ain’t acceptable. I don’t think that’s ok at all. I have had words with my father before about them not wanting hugs and has been hard work about it but not been this forceful before. So I don’t see the value speaking to him again. I’ll let them see the kids but only when I’m about to someone else. There have been other issues, more minor, that I’ve asked them to stop and I’ve had to overlook.

Yes DH was in the room, but he didn’t like it either. He came into the room because of the shouting. He agrees we need to sort alternative. He also thinks we should talk to my DH but I think it is pointless. My DM is not any form of safeguarding at all.

Did you not see where OP says her DD screamed "get off", and that grandad has been told before not to do it? This is a grandad that doesn't respect the girl's boundaries, and it is entirely right to be very concerned about it. Young girls especially need to have affirmation that it's right to protest about unwanted physical contact.

Op you are right, no child should be forced to hug anyone they don’t want to. It’s quite common knowledge now I thought that it was better to encourage them to say no thank you if they don’t want to and support them in this. A hug is far from an essential thing, it’s not like medicine when they are sick where they might not want it but must have it. It just sends a bad example to them rather than empowering them to be able to say no when they get older if they are in a potentially abusive situation. I thought times had moved on from forced hugs!

This is really sad to read. What are we turning our children into? A grandparent can’t even hug a
grandchild.

I should say my parent lack boundaries anyway so I’m not overly surprised it has got to this. Things like arriving at the maternity ward before I’d invited them, despite directly telling them not to come before they’re called, ‘visiting’ me almost every weekend that I was at uni (driving 1 1/2 hrs each way just to have lunch on my work break), all sorts. My parents are just very selfish. I actually dislike being with them, although we haven’t had a big issue, and now the kids are starting to dislike being being with them.

Sorry but are you weird or thick?! Did you read my description?! As a parent/grandparent, whatever you are, would you want to hug a child who is shouting no? A child you are having to physically force onto your lap?? Is that the lovely parent:child bond you want?

Th thing is my DD is very affectionate naturally, and hugs lots of people. She often hugs her nan. So the issue is very much my dads, not hers!!

If a man three times your size came to you and asked you for a hug and you said no, and then he grabbed you and forced you against him, and ignored you screaming at him to get off you, would you think "aw that's nice, I've made the world a less sad place now"?

How many adults should be allowed to hug a child against their will? Just grandparents or should uncles, cousins, family friends etc all be allowed? The child did not want to be hugged. The adult should put the child’s wants before their own.

I actually have a very clear memory from about 4yo where a friend of my parents tried to pick me up & cuddle me, can't remember who he was but I remember losing my shit & screaming & kicking. He seemed so huge (and hairy!) just looming over me, I really freaked out but he persisted whilst laughing. Genuinely don't remember what happened after but damn that's a core memory & one your daughter probably has now too.

I actually feel very sad and have had a cry about it. I feel like I have very little support and the one little bit of support I had I now have to end.

Also sad because it just brings home how fucked up my parents are (there’s other stuff):

You think a child should be hugged by a grandparent even if the child asks them to stop? Is that because a child's feelings don't matter? Only the ego of the adult I assume.

This is really sad to read. What are we turning our children into? A grandparent can’t even hug agrandchild.

Of course a grandparent can hug their grandchild, when both people consent to the hug. It's not rocket science.

Put it another way, isn't it more sad that there's some adults who would rather force or guilt trip a child into unwanted physical intimacy, knowing the child doesn't feel comfortable? I'd say it's more sad than some adults don't value consent.

I had to deal with an older ex partner doing this to our daughter. Traumatic! Some older generations feel it’s their right to force themselves on children. I told him it made me sick and was wrong, and he’d lose it saying I was the terrible unboundaried parent. You are right and thank goodness our DDs can have a voice and one that’s listened to

The older generation. The give uncle a hug and aunty a kiss when they don’t need to.

My DD hates people touching her when she was younger. I thought, fair enough, as long as you say hello and are polite. But the forceful physical stuff is annoying.

I hope you manage to sort it out x

we’re turning our children into people who know that their physical boundaries are important and should be respected? Physical affection should be offered not enforced.

Some people just don’t respond to physical affection and their reasons are their own to share with whoever they like. There are plenty of other ways to maintain a bond and show affection.