to ask how on earth you stop picking the skin around your nails?!

[ElleBelleLou]

Hello mumsnet

Sorry to post in AIBU but I need the traffic - how on earth do I stop picking the skin around my nails red raw?!

I don't even know I'm doing it it's that much of a habit, I think it's an anxiety thing but my fingers are looking just awful. I'm trying hard to grow my nails and sort my hands out - my DP is proposing this year or next and I am so embarrassed at the state of my hands and getting worked up about showing off the ring with the state of my hands!

They're not at their worst at the minute, I'm trying to keep on top of hand cream, I've tried fidget rings, I stop myself or try keep my hands busy when I notice I am doing it but does anyone else have some tried or tested ways to stop picking at my bloody fingers!!

Would love to find a cure. I bit my nails for about 25 years, and managed to stop about 5 or 6 years ago. But I still pick the skin when I'm stressed. It gets to the point of insanity, where three or four fingertips are wrapped in plasters as the skin is raw and bleeding. It's definitely a compulsion. Even if I'm in the middle of yoga or pilates, if there's a bit of skin that can be picked, I'll be surreptitiously trying to peel it off.

I know it's stress-related. There will be periods where my fingers are all fine. But how to stop it entirely I have no clue.

Get gel nails with builder gel as it is quite a thick layer and makes everything harder to grab. Nailkind cuticle oil is good - I try and paint this on every night in front of the TV ato replace my 'picking' time.

@circlesand yes, it comes up as a compulsion alongside other OCD compulsions but there doesn't seem to be any answers beyond recognising it's a compulsion - I'd just love to be able to stop it!

Thank you @hollyandivyknickers I've give them a look!

@Eyesopenwideawake Oooh that's interesting - something for me to do a bit more research into!

@mathanxiety thank you for your detailed response, really interesting. I've been trying to pay attention today to when I do it (which is hard cause it's so often it's like without even thinking) but notice a lot of it is in meetings or when I'm not physically doing something like typing - I've had a lump of blutack permanently in my hand today to try help which I'm hoping makes a difference - then it'll be coming on the bus home with me 😂

@Janetsmug YES! Basically if there is anything near my fingertip or nail that I can pick and make bleed - I will do it!

@Disgruntled101 thank you - I'll give them a look. I'm willing to try anything at this point!

Thank you so much for your responses everyone - I feel better knowing it's not just me that can't seem to help it if nothing else! I hope 4 weeks from now we all have the prettiest fingers and nails 🤗

@DappledOliveGroves I'm the same - stopped biting my nails, I can get them to grow to a good length and get excited about painting them, just to ruin the rest of my fingers around them! It does feel completely beyond my control sometimes like something I couldn't stop even if I really concentrated on it - I hope we can both get round this!

@Mallani Thank you - I do actually do my own gel nails, and bought some lovely new colours today which I'm telling myself I can't use until my fingers are visibly less ripped at!

I found out by chance that CSS cracked heel cream is very good for preventing the dry skin around my nails that leads to me picking them.

@ElleBelleLou Maybe you need to bring it up again in therapy and talk about how much you are currently focussing on it, and how it's bothering you enough that you have started this thread.

Zone in on it a bit more, and try to get to the bottom of it. You can direct your therapy sessions to what you want to talk about and resolve.

I mean to actually say to your therapist 'I pick the skin around my nails and it's really bothering me - I want to explore the reasons why I do this and work on strategies to stop'. Give your therapy sessions the focus.

If you think you do it because of anxiety then the anxiety is what you need to address.

I suffer terribly with this and have done since I was in secondary school (I'm 37 now) I actually managed to have nearly a year "clean" by buying a couple of different fidget rings from The Calm Collective, and had my nails done.

I'd always told myself "when my fingers are healed, I'll go get my nails done." But it never worked. They'd be sore and bleeding by the end of the week. So I bit the bullet, and just went to the salon when my fingers were rough as hell but not bleeding or open wounds.

I've not been able to have them done for a while and I lost my rings when we moved house so I'm back to sore and bleeding. Happy days! 😩

I know mine is tied to anxiety and I have some therapy planned this year for the first time.

This is called dermatillomania and it's considered a type of OCD with genetic predisposition.

Everyone develops their own coping strategies. Mine is that I have been doing my own manicure since my late teens, with all the scissors, cutting tools etc necessary. It is very cathartic, it scratches "the itch" as it were, and in the end my hands are much nicer than before instead of ugly and bleeding. I find that longer nails and dark and/or glitter nail polish reduces the urge to pick.

The absolute need to never have dry hands and cuticles has led to a lifetime of hand creams in every bag, car, night stand, bathroom and kitchen, with the unexpected benefit of now having a pair of incredibly young-looking hands

@circlesand Thank you - I've screenshot your comment for my next session

@ImEvilStopLaughing how did you find the fidget rings - were there any you found particularly helpful? I tried a few but for whatever reason just didn't find them that great, but they were only cheap and not the best looking so maybe I need to find the right one for me!

Are you aware of when you're doing it? How do you feel? Is it a comfort or relief? Can you stop and focus on calming yourself (breathing techniques?). That might help with the underlying anxiety?

@CoteDAzur that does make sense as I have OCD, which I can get by with generally but I just want nice pretty nails and fingers!! I am finding it easier to pay more attention to now I've done my nails - like when my nails are short and not done it's easier to not care what the skin around them looks like, so I'm going to really try keep on top of my nails and hopefully in turn on top of not bloody picking!!

@Lightbulbspark I don't really seem to be aware of it, it just seems like habit or something I don't even realise I'm doing. My DP notices it and tells me to stop - but I won't know I'm even doing it until he mentions it! I think it is rooted in anxiety, but I'm on medication and in therapy for my OCD and anxiety so I'd really love to just be able to crack this picking too

None of that works for me because anxiety is not necessarily the trigger, and conscious effort to stop won't work, either.

It is an unconscious process that manifests as an urge like an itch, and the only thing that prevents the urge is feeling a smooth surface when one finger moves over the other - hence the reason why nail polish and hand cream help.

When I got engaged and my skin picking really bothered me, I focused on not picking the hand my ring was on. It was easier than trying to stop altogether and as I was really motivated I managed it! I’ve not managed to stop completely but I don’t do it as badly now I’m older and I just accept that it’s a thing I do.

@Nomorescreentime that's interesting - the reason I want to sort it out is so vain but literally for engagement announcement photos and knowing people will want to see the ring - so maybe actually an easier 'fix' for now is just moving to right hand only. That's not something I've considered before!

As others have noted, this is a subconscious issue, not a conscious one. At some point in the past, probably childhood, the mind devised a strategy of picking at the skin - or other similar 'habits' such as hair pulling - to avoid or to deal with something that was out of your control. Maybe it was parents arguing or being bullied at school - whatever the root cause was is no longer an issue but the habit remains because it was the only thing that you could control at that time. That's why hypnosis is effective here because it simply allows direct communication with the subconscious to let it know it can stop now.

That theory is by now replaced by the understanding that dermatillomania is a neurological condition with genetic predisposition, a kind of OCD.

@CoteDAzur - do you have a link for that please?

Google is your friend. I like scholar.google.com for scientific studies.

NHS says the following:

"Causes of skin picking disorder: Skin picking disorder is related to obsessive compulsive disorder, where the person cannot stop themselves carrying out a particular action."

It's a way of stimming, so have you tried exploring what sensory input you get and how to replace it? Things like a hairband on your wrist to ping , squeezing your fingertips, making sure you have no loose bits of skin etc might help. I think it is harder than nail biting to resolve as at least with biting you can put the revolting taste varnish on.

Like you, most people used to think that excessive skin picking was due to abuse, anxiety, etc and were perplexed by those of us who had idyllic childhoods and are confident adults with no anxiety. Now we know better.

Get a pair of cuticle nippers to begin with and you can safely tidy up all the little bits that catch and make you pick..once they are gone then keep the area moisture really well. You need to get rid of these first, then when the skin is smooth it makes it harder to pick.

It is correlated not with abuse and bullying but with skin sensitivity that also manifests with intolerance to stitches, tags, stockings, and certain materials like wool on the skin.

Don't just do hand cream generally, keep it near where you tend to pick so if you get the urge to pick you can sit and rub some cream into that area instead. You have to replace the action or it won't go away.

I'm the same, but I'm a chewer, not a picker! When I manage to remember (🙄) and I feel some hard dry skin at the sides, I get an emery board and gently file the rough bits down. Then I put some hand cream on. Works a treat for me, if I to remember to do it before I start chewing! Which is sometimes hard, as I've done it for years! Tried everything else, including nail polish, but it doesn't work for me. I've had some bloody sore fingers in my days, this seems to be the only thing that works for me! Good luck! 💐