To wonder how to balance friendship and giving in financial terms

[Greenbootgrass]

Hello

I have been reading a few threads on MN and pondering my situation

How do you keep a friendship where the friend has given up work , personal reasons, and it now means that although they have alot more free time they understandably don't have the disposable income any more to do things we used to do and which my friend still wants to do

For the last 6 months I have been paying for both of us and I'm now worried its becoming expected

How to tactfully say we need to do things that don't cost so much as I can't keep paying for both of us ?

When I pay, she doesn't say anything , now and again if she suggests something I will say that's very expensive ( london theatre weekend) and then she will drop the idea

But dinners and lunches out etc are fun but she simply doesn't have the cash to pay

So she expects a knees up in London, including a theatre trip courtesy of you now, does she?

OMG. Find herself and improve her mental health? What a luxury. It seems you have a few choices. You can only do things that are free (walks in the park) and turn down anything else. You can tell her that your paying for her is going to stop right now. Or you can continue to pay for her to find herself and improve her mental health. Wow. She is a user.

If she suggests a theatre weekend/expensive outing, could you say "Lovely. You go ahead and book it, then let me know what my half share is. "

You are effectively paying for her company!

I would find this extremely off-putting and would very much limit the times I saw her. If you really want to keep her as a friend, I would suggest going for walks or perhaps a coffee shop and a "how about we pay for ourselves this time?" If she kicks up a fuss then you know she is just with you for what she can get.

Why on earth are you paying for things?

I can never understand how others allow so-called friends to take advantage for so long.

OP, she really isn't much of a friend. In any case she is fully aware of what she is doing so stop allowing her to devalue you in this way. It is absurd and I don't know how you still enjoy her company.

I have never met someone like this in real life but it seems to happen a lot on MN. CF friends whose friends are subsidising them to excessive levels. I mean, we've all had that friend who manages to scarper when it's their round, or the one who works out to the penny what they ate or drank, but doesn't include a contribution to the bread ordered for the table or the tip, but this level of CF is mind-blowing to me. I can't work out how it happens even the first time.

Me and some of my friends do occasionally pay for dinner/drinks for each other. But that's more because it swings in roundabouts and it's never expected The only time I would pay for a theatre ticket or something like that would be as a gift or if it Wass something I really wanted to do and knew they couldn't afford it in which case I would say in advance, "let's go to this show - my treat".

How to tactfully say we need to do things that don't cost so much as I can't keep paying for both of us ?

By saying, ‘That sounds like one for when you’re back working. Have you looked at anything you can afford to do now?’ Just don’t do anything that means you pick up the tab, it’s insane behaviour.

She's taking advantage of your generous nature OP. I would neither want nor expect a friend to subsidise me if I was in her situation.

🤣🤣🤣 brilliant

She sounds bloody awful and you sound weak willed.

If it was a friendship worth keeping you would be able to tell her, that’s it. You are not actually real friends.

I'd send her a text back next time she suggests something.
'Oo we should go to x bar!'

You 'I'm sorry I can't afford to pay for us both any more I'm afraid. This seems to have become a habit between us. If there's somewhere you want to go/meet please make sure you can afford our half of the bill. Otherwise we can bring a coffee and go for a walk or meet at each others houses. Looking forward to seeing you soon.'

Yabu because you're a complete mug to be paying for everything for six months

I don't get these posts at all. All you have to do it say one word 'NO'!

This is as much your fault as hers. Yes she is a CF but you are enabling this.

I am wondering if she is aware of what she is doing , and I agree with a PP I have been weak willed and need to start from now saying no , I don't work full time to subsidise her social life

I think you need to be upfront.

Poor friend : shall we go to that new bar that's opened?
You : I would like to try it out but I hope you're not expecting me to foot the bill.

She sounds a user. It's quite a luxury to leave work to work on yourself (and bizarre she expects to maintain a similar lifestyle).

This is what I’d suggest, assert your boundary every time.

Expensive cocktail night? “Sounds good but are you sure you can afford £x a drink if you’re on a budget? If not we can catch up at home with a bottle of wine”

Agree with others, when you are agreeing on somewhere to go, always ask if her budget allows her to pay for her share. That way she knows upfront she's expected to pay. You can meet up and do free things, a walk in the park and catch up for example.
Often though, once these people lose their free ride, they disappear.

You've been paying for six whole months?????

Stop now!!

Calculate how much that all comes to and tell her. Say you've been doing your accounts. Ask when she will start repaying what she owes you.

So why have you been doing it? Do you feel sorry for her?

More hate discussing money and who is paying !

And she absolutely knows this.

She has been playing you, taking advantage of your discomfort and your good nature!

I wouldn't remain friends with someone who treated me like a personal ATM.

It's one thing to offer to help a friend. It's completely different if they expect it or even request it.

I would shut it down with "I can't afford to cover us both so we'll have to do something else".

On repeat and cut her off if she doesn't start changing quickly.

PS - she is absolutely aware. She knows money doesn't grow on trees and she knows you are providing it. There is absolutely no circumstance where she would be unaware.

She’s massively taking the p of you OP, and isn’t worried about your feelings so please don’t put hers first.
How she reacts when you stop paying will tell you everything you need to know about how she feels about your friendship. She should be more than happy with a a bottle of wine at home, split a bottle in a cheap pub or coffee and a walk if she really values your time.
You’ve had some really good advice on here, for when she “suggests” things. Let us know how you get on x

Next time she suggests something say… I’m happy to ho, but are you sure you can afford that! I’m happy to go somewhere cheaper too…. Rinse, repeat. She will get the message that you are not paying…