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Original poster

To wonder how to balance friendship and giving in financial terms

50 replies

Greenbootgrass · 26/02/2024 14:32

Hello

I have been reading a few threads on MN and pondering my situation

How do you keep a friendship where the friend has given up work , personal reasons, and it now means that although they have alot more free time they understandably don't have the disposable income any more to do things we used to do and which my friend still wants to do

For the last 6 months I have been paying for both of us and I'm now worried its becoming expected

How to tactfully say we need to do things that don't cost so much as I can't keep paying for both of us ?

When I pay, she doesn't say anything , now and again if she suggests something I will say that's very expensive ( london theatre weekend) and then she will drop the idea

But dinners and lunches out etc are fun but she simply doesn't have the cash to pay

OP posts:
Alwaystired2023 · 26/02/2024 14:34

Oh gosh OP that's not ideal for you, next time you arrange to meet up I think you need to say 'shall we bring our own coffee in a takeaway cup and go for a nice walk I don't have the cash for a cafe trip / I'm a bit skint / however you would indicate you can't pay for both of you'

westisbest1982 · 26/02/2024 14:36

Firstly, I think you need to ask yours why you’ve been paying for her for six months. Then ask, “what have I been getting in return?” I would never under any circumstances pay for anyone else’s entertainment / social activities for that long. So why did you?

Trisolaris · 26/02/2024 14:38

How did this come about? Did you offer to pay or would she arrange things and then say ‘oh I can’t pay’ once the bill comes?

Purplefrock · 26/02/2024 14:39

Gosh, I have a few friends I know aren't as well off as me and I'll pay slightly more than my share of the drinks etc, but no one who would regularly accept me paying for their whole night. How on earth did that come about?

If she's doing a lot more of the leg work in terms of organising things because she has more time, I might occasionally stand her dinner/buy her a ticket as a thank you, but I'd have to just say point blank, "I love spending time with you but I can't keep paying for us both, we need to make sure things are within both our budgets".

AngelsandAliens · 26/02/2024 14:41

Wow , I don’t think that is on ! I think it’s extremely cheeky , unless your saying don’t worry I’ll get this , but even so it shouldn’t be expected .

when you say she says nothing , do you mean she doesn’t even say thank you.

if this is the case , she sound like a user not a friend .

lap90 · 26/02/2024 14:48

She's taking the piss.

Can't afford it? Do something else.

There are some activities i can't afford to do.
I would never dream of suggesting we do them to a friend in the hope that they will pay.

Cut your coat according to your cloth.

Original poster
Greenbootgrass · 26/02/2024 14:51

Hard to describe , she constantly cries poverty , then will suggest we go to an expensive bar

Although it's awkward I have had to start saying I can't afford to pay for both of us and then she will say OK let's not go

But if we are out shopping and buy something , thing 25pounds , she will look very disapproving and she couldn't afford that as its a lot of money to her

I get that I really do, but the only reason I have more money than her is that I work full time.!

OP posts:
Herdinggoats · 26/02/2024 14:53

She’s taking the mick, and I’d wonder how many others she is doing it too? The fact she is now suggesting expensive outings is bananas. Next time she says about meeting up as others have said suggest a flask of coffee…I do fear you’ll see how important this friendship is to her though

Niknakk · 26/02/2024 14:53

Why and how on earth have you ended up paying for her? She is a cheeky fuck.

2024Melanie · 26/02/2024 14:53

Stop offering to pay for her half of things

ADoggyDogWorld · 26/02/2024 14:55

With the warmer weather coming I would be suggesting a walk and take a flask.

Decline shopping trips or trips out with spending potential. Go with someone else.

PaminaMozart · 26/02/2024 14:55

This is insane.
You need to knock this on the head.

Why is she not working?
How does she pay Rent, bills, food, etc cetera?

Trisolaris · 26/02/2024 14:56

Greenbootgrass · 26/02/2024 14:51

Hard to describe , she constantly cries poverty , then will suggest we go to an expensive bar

Although it's awkward I have had to start saying I can't afford to pay for both of us and then she will say OK let's not go

But if we are out shopping and buy something , thing 25pounds , she will look very disapproving and she couldn't afford that as its a lot of money to her

I get that I really do, but the only reason I have more money than her is that I work full time.!

If you buy something and she makes that sort of comment I would say to her, then why do you keep suggesting expensive evenings out then? You seem to be ok with me spending money as long as it’s on you.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/02/2024 14:56

Obviously you don't pay for her to do stuff. Why would you? Next time she suggests something you say "Can you afford that?" and if she can't then say "What would you like to do that you can afford?"

Original poster
Greenbootgrass · 26/02/2024 14:58

PaminaMozart · 26/02/2024 14:55

This is insane.
You need to knock this on the head.

Why is she not working?
How does she pay Rent, bills, food, etc cetera?

She is taking time out to find herself and improve her mental health...her words not mine

Gets some benefits and an allowance from her husband

OP posts:
cstaff · 26/02/2024 14:58

I cant believe that she is suggesting expensive nights out and expecting you to foot the bill. That is real CF behaviour. Just keep turning down those suggestions and let her know that you cannot afford that for both of your. Ask her is she covering it this time as you have covered her the last number of times.

Otherwise suggest that she comes to yours for a coffee or glass of wine or you go to hers for similar.

FinallyFeb · 26/02/2024 14:58

I think the answer is to suggest very cheap or free activities.

Undisclosedlocation · 26/02/2024 15:03

If it’s the sort of friendship you have to pay for, it’s not a real friendship is it?
Sorry OP, she’s taking you for a mug

BaublesAndGlitter · 26/02/2024 15:29

Does she cancel seeing you altogether if you say you can't pay?
If yes, I'd just distance myself because that's not a friendship at all.

If not and she's happy to keep meeting and doing things that are low cost/free, I'd just continually refuse doing things that she can't afford to pay for. She should stop asking.

Or you could just say you've been thinking about the way your finances are different right now so you think you should stick to meeting at each others houses/going for walks etc.
if she's a good friend she'll just agree.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2024 15:36

I’ve been the friend with more and less over the years.

I’m happy to pay for coffees/lunch etc and receive similar.

I absolutely would not expect to pay for expensive trips and would not accept them unless very specific - birthday etc.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a taker.

Hecatoncheires · 26/02/2024 15:36

BaublesAndGlitter · 26/02/2024 15:29

Does she cancel seeing you altogether if you say you can't pay?
If yes, I'd just distance myself because that's not a friendship at all.

If not and she's happy to keep meeting and doing things that are low cost/free, I'd just continually refuse doing things that she can't afford to pay for. She should stop asking.

Or you could just say you've been thinking about the way your finances are different right now so you think you should stick to meeting at each others houses/going for walks etc.
if she's a good friend she'll just agree.

OP, this is very good advice. Particularly the first paragraph.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 26/02/2024 15:38

I don't understand why you keep paying for her? Confused

Shinyandnew1 · 26/02/2024 15:41

Why on earth do you keep paying for her?

Suggest walks/art gallery or cup of tea/meal/wine at each others houses.

If she says she wants to go to an expensive wine bar or to see a show, say, ‘oh, right-that sounds lovely, but I thought you were skint?’

Don’t be a doormat!

KnowledgeableMomma · 26/02/2024 15:44

I think I would be honest and say that you can't afford to do things where you are covering the cost of both of you and you know she'll understand. And then only do free or mostly free things together. Walking in the park, coffee/tea over at each other's house, library chat, etc.

Interduty · 26/02/2024 15:45

She is treating you very badly - friends don't do that.

I'm not completely sure why you want to stay friends with this entitled CF but if you do then the activities you do need to change - walks, window shopping, picnics, at home movie/games nights. Just stop doing anything that costs money with her - she can't afford it and you don't want to continue being the sugar/doormat friend.

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