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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we excuse people to much because they have 'had a drink'?

55 replies

Downandout21 · 26/02/2024 06:32

Myself and DH and living with DF temporarily. DF can be lovely when he wants to be until he has had a drink.

Yesterday he had been out drinking all day, when he came back you could tell he was looking for a fight. He was asking me the same question repeatedly and got angry when I got annoyed. I ended up burning cakes I was cooking with DD as when I went to check on them he shouted at me for walking of when he was talking to me, even though I apologised and said hold the thought I need to get cakes out the oven.

It ended up with him completely shouting angrily for over an hour I'm surprised the neighbours didn't call the police.

DF has always been like this when drunk and this resulted in physical violence to DM when I was a child.

I told DH today we need to leave and find somewhere else to like. DH was like, he was drunk, he is fine normally, and stated next time he is drunk to just let him ride it out.

I explained under no circumstances am I letting DD witness someone that angry and no way is she seeing the same as I did when I was growing up. Drunk or not, that behaviour is not acceptable.

AIBU to think as a society we often excuse people's behaviour due to the fact they have had a drink?

OP posts:

JimBeamCoke · 26/02/2024 08:34

YANBU - men particularly use alcohol too easily to deal with stress and MH issues. Your DH can probably associate with your DF wanting to have some drinks and what the consequences of that can sometimes be.
Why are you staying there and why are you not leaving? It seems like you had the opportunity and means to leave before?
Do you feel guilty leaving your DF? Do you like it is saving you money? Why is your DH so happy to stay? - most people staying long term with in-laws would want to move out asap!

Ilikefood1234 · 26/02/2024 08:35

I've deffo annoyed people when drunk/been a bit silly. But I would never be violent and hurt someone. Just not in my nature.

Original poster

Downandout21 · 26/02/2024 08:38

JimBeamCoke · 26/02/2024 08:34

Feel guilty about leaving. Everything we have mentioned leaving he says how lonely he feels by himself and how we keep him company.

We have the means to leave, was just staying until our house is being built, but will go estate agents today to find a rental

OP posts:

Jojoanna · 26/02/2024 08:39

Totally agree,, I hate being around drunk people. They do and say awful things sometimes ,then say oh sorry I had too much to drink .

Lindy2 · 26/02/2024 08:39

You should definitely be looking to move into a place of your own.

It's not a one off because you know he behaves like this after drinking.

It's not a good dynamic being in someone else's house long term when there are tensions like this.

ScierraDoll · 26/02/2024 08:47

Nofilteritwonthelp · 26/02/2024 06:34

Meh, you only live once. Unless it's something horrible, who cares if you do something stupid every now and then, we all deserve to let loose and have a bit of fun

No, drunkeness is never an excuse for aggressive behaviour.
Your attitudes condones those people who use drunkeness as a cover. What do you mean by doing something horrible. Wasn't his behaviour towards the OP horrible?

CheerfulBardo · 26/02/2024 08:50

I don’t know anyone who would think this was excusable.

I thought your post was going to be about mildly sloppy, overly-affectionate disinhibition behaviour, not the violent drunken rages of someone who subjected your mother to domestic violence.

I think you’re so habituated to this man’s behaviour you’re not even as shocked as you should be that this is happening in front of a child. Be way more shocked and leave. I can’t believe you’re letting your ‘guilt’ see your daughter living longterm with a violent alcoholic when you have other options.

muckymayhem · 26/02/2024 09:09

It's not just being a bit drunk in your DFs case though is it? He's an excessive drinker and violent and abusive when he's had a skinful. I think people doing silly things like dancing crazily or blurting out something slightly inappropriate is a bit different to someone who gets aggressive and abusive. Ranting and shouting for over an hour? Not excusable.

Your DH clearly puts cheaper living expenses before your DDs wellbeing which is why he is minimising this. Did he actually witness any of it?

Insist on moving out asap. You really don't have any excuse since you know exactly who your DF is and what he is like.

Do not let your DF or your DH manipulate you any further. Guilt over your DF?? He's warped your thinking. No guilt. Not your fault. He's responsible for himself. You are responsible for your DD not him.

Loubelle70 · 26/02/2024 09:13

Does he think he can call the shots and be an arse because you're staying in his house and have nowhere to go? My mum was like this... narcissistic

NorthernSpirit · 26/02/2024 09:30

I’m not going to sugar coat this….

Your father is an abusive alcoholic.

Being pissed doesn’t excuse his terrible selfish behaviour. Society might think it’s ‘funny’ but it isn’t and it’s not acceptable.

Why does he feel the need to ‘drink all day’ on a Sunday? Has he got nothing else going on in his life? How sad.

You say he’s ’lovely if he wants to be, UNTIL he has a drink’. So he has form for being a dick when he’s drunk? This isn’t acceptable and those condoning it I feel very sorry for you if you think this is ok in any way ok.

It’s absolutely NOT ok for him to shout angrily at you for over an hour. Bullying you is absolutely not ok.

Its absolutely NOT ok that his drinking has resulted in physical violence to your DM. He’s a bully & abuser. This is domestic abusive.

It’s not ok for your daughter to witness this.

Your father doesn’t think he has a problem (he has) and won’t likely change his behaviour. Only you can control yours.

I would move out. You / your daughter shouldn’t be around this.

Rainbowshine · 26/02/2024 09:31

The guilt is the g in FOG that toxic people use to make you stay in a bad relationship.

Fear Obligation Guilt

You might find the Stately Homes threads useful to read.

Why is his “loneliness” your responsibility to solve? Why do you think your comfort and safety is less important?

Because FOG - he’s trained you to run around him and put you last

You can break this pattern and you will feel better for it

audihere · 26/02/2024 09:44

YANBU

one of the last times my ex saw our kids, he had been with them all day and it got to about 2pm and he called me, clearly drunk, and asked me to collect them early from our usual meeting place. I did so, and at this point he was almost incoherent, we had an argument after I'd got the kids into my car, and then he caught the train home and texted me he was going to kill himself.

I was asking a group of friends for some support and whether I had overreacted, as I'd decided now was the time to go to court to safeguard our children from being put at further risk (his alcoholism had ramped up over the years but he hadn't been drunk in charge of DC before), and one woman basically suggested it wasn't much of a big deal and we'd probably all been tipsy at barbecues etc with our kids...entirely missing the point. The need to excuse shitty behaviour 'just because someone has had a few' really worries me

JimBeamCoke · 26/02/2024 09:57

Downandout21 · 26/02/2024 08:38

Feel guilty about leaving. Everything we have mentioned leaving he says how lonely he feels by himself and how we keep him company.

We have the means to leave, was just staying until our house is being built, but will go estate agents today to find a rental

Show quote history

You would think DF would be a bit kinder and avoid drinking if he enjoyed having your family there. It sounds like you are being manipulated. Make sure when you leave that your DF is aware you would have stayed but his behaviour with alcohol was the reason you are leaving and his choices have consequences.

Nannylovesshopping · 26/02/2024 10:50

Had lovely family dinner yesterday, spoilt by my sil, who is lovely man till he’s had one too many, then a complete dick, doesn’t mean to be, no doubt sorry today, but he was still a dick yesterday, so wanted to throw a glass of water over him!

ViciousCurrentBun · 26/02/2024 11:02

Don’t feel guilty
I wouldn’t care how much money it saved staying there I would be leaving

He is an alcoholic

I had an alcoholic stepfather, it was awful and I did not shed a tear at his funeral. Sometimes people are alcoholics because of tragic circumstances but why put yourselves through their misery because that’s what they are doing.

EllaPotter · 26/02/2024 11:44

TwilightSkies · 26/02/2024 07:29

YABU at all.

I hate how alcohol affects a lot of people. It’s like a dark cloud coming over them. You can see it.

You mean YANBU right?

Rangelife · 26/02/2024 11:56

So many people made excuses for me. I behaved like an idiot when I was drunk AND I had a very difficult childhood. It did me no favours at all. I acted terribly and people tripped over themselves to tell me that it was understandable, minimised it and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself. This did me no favours at all. I put myself in physical danger countless times. It made me externalise what was a major problem and blame it on the drink, when really I was responsible for my choices. It affected the way I relate to others. I now don't drink because I'm an arsehole when I am drunk and I don't want to be an arsehole. I wasn't an addict but i was dependent on it to help me cope.

I have thought about it a lot and was curious about WHY people didn't call me out on it. I think it's because it excuses their relationship with drink. Their dependence on it. I am not saying they are addicted but they themselves depend on it for various reasons - social anxiety, relieving stress, relaxation, in an attempt to have fun, they can't maintain a boundary . That can never be healthy but they don't know what else to use to cope. It's the same when you don't drink and people try to persuade you to have a drink and project that you are boring if you don't join them in having a drinks. They are self validating and persuading themselves that drinking 'isn't that bad' and that it's not harmful to them. YANBU - a lot of people excuse it because it serves them to excuse it.

Ponderingwindow · 26/02/2024 12:15

I’m not British. The only place I have seen people excuse bad behavior because someone ‘had a drink’ is mumsnet. It's really strange. Most of the antics described are clearly those of people who have problems with alcohol.

you need to get your child out of that house. Your dd shouldn’t have to even overhear that kind of behavior. If you stay, you will be telling her it is acceptable.

Crazycatlady79 · 26/02/2024 12:19

YABU to have moved there with your child in the first instance. Why would you do that, knowing what he is like? Did your own childhood teach you nothing?!

Rubyupbeat · 26/02/2024 14:29

Drinking is never an excuse, if you know it makes you anti social, then stop drinking. Same with coke, I know some lovely people who do it now and then, it makes them paranoid and aggressive, I won't accept it as an excuse. Most are in their 50s and 60s and know exactly what it does to them. I won't socialise in the evenings because of it and I, apparently, am the unreasonable one!

Purplefrock · 26/02/2024 14:49

I think making an exhibition of yourself with traffic cones on your head is forgivable, the behaviour you describe is not and you're right to want DD away from it.

FWIW, I also think nasty drunks are nasty people, it's just that social conditioning generally keeps it hidden.

betterangels · 26/02/2024 14:53

Your child should not have to live in that.

MandyRiceDavies · 26/02/2024 14:56

Your DF is an abusive alcoholic. Your partner’s response is completely baffling (as is the response of a few PPs whom I suspect haven’t actually read the OP properly and are just responding to the title).

feellikeanalien · 26/02/2024 15:03

OP don't underestimate the effect this will have on your DD. Angry shouting adults are scary for a child. What if he became physically abusive and shoved you or worse? Do you want your daughter to go through what you did?

Do you also want to stay somewhere where you will be walking on eggshells every time he has a drink?

Original poster

Downandout21 · 27/02/2024 19:13

Put an application in for a rental today, not the greatest of houses but better then the situation we are in now. Fingers crossed we get it.

OP posts:

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