Hate housesharing, feel like a loser

[Cantwaittomoveout]

Fortunately I'm able to leave in one month. I went through a breakup and had to move somewhere else, however I still owed a further two months of rent on the flat I shared with my ex so I couldn't afford much, hence moving into a houseshare.
I can't move back to my parents as they live 2 hours away from my job.
I don't have enough space at all for all of my belongings, everything is crammed into this room.
I am sharing a kitchen with 5 others so can't really cook much, been just buying a lot of stuff outside or eating ready meals which I feel embarrassed about.
I am sharing the bathroom, it's an all female household and somebody constantly leaves skid marks in the toilet, hairs in the sink and so on. I've reported this to the agency, they said they'd have a word but nothing has changed.
I can't even watch TV because I'm in an attic room and the internet signal is poor, having connection issues so I have to watch everything on my phone.
I can literally hear someone snoring on the floor below so have to wear earplugs every night.
Or having loud phone conversations at 6:30am.
I'm glad I'm not dating anyone as I'd be embarrassed to bring them here. I did my best to make it nice with decorations and such but the lack of space is an issue.
I'm 32, my anxiety is really bad ATM and I recently got rejected by a guy I liked, it's not the end of the world but it's adding to my shame.
I ended up financially supporting my ex which was one of the reasons I left, my savings aren't great, I'll be able to build them back up hopefully after next month but it's another thing that makes me feel ashamed.
Not sure what I'm looking for, just a vent really. The saving grace is that I've only got a month left.

Because you haven't explained yourself.

Nobody is saying that anyone in a house share SHOULD feel shame, but many of us understand why somebody (like op) COULD feel ashamed. It's how they (she) feels. It's her personal feeling, not something others are making her feel. She has a good job and can afford to live alone, circumstances around the failure of her relationship have meant that temporarily she's having to share, and she's ashamed she's had to take a backward step. Is that so hard for you to empathise with ?

I moved back into a house share when I was 36 due to relationship breakdown. I can’t say it ever made me feel like a loser although I totally get the reluctance to cook in a shared kitchen. I always waited for my housemates to finish cooking and eating.
One thing I would say, get rid of your stuff. I threw most of my things away and even though I now live with my partner in a relatively large house, I can still pack all of my belongings in a boot of a car. It makes a huge difference when you don’t have to trip over your shit in a small space.

You have my sympathies. I absolutely loathed it.

Yea it is and it's not what the op meant, she meant it as she was ashamed of the conditions, but you (and others) are showing your own snobbery here. Saying 1 has the right to feel ashamed of house sharing for other reasons is snobbery.

OP, lots of people have temporary 'ripples' in their lives. When I left my son's df, we moved into the grottiest one bed flat you can imagine, as it was all that was available in a hurry. The kitchen and bathroom were indescribable. It took me weeks to get them clean.

I shared my bed with a star-fishing 2yo ds for a year.

This from having my own three bed detached only a year earlier. Like you, I was able to turn it round pretty quickly but there is no shame in it, It just shows you are resilient and pragmatic, and generally able to cope. You should be proud of yourself, rather than ashamed.

That's your interpretation of ops feelings, most of us are interpreting differently, since op has stated it's her own feelings we'll accept we're correct thanks. The fact you're calling us snobs says more about your feelings of housesharers than it does about ours.

But surely he's not getting privacy and independence in a house share either?

They are all young professionals, out at different times and the house is over 4 floors. He’s the in the only room on the top floor and has an en-suite shower.

I get why you feel ashamed of ending up in a situation not of your preference. I understand why you feel ashamed of things like not having a place you feel comfortable having people over to, and being uncomfortable in your own home.

I don’t think you should feel ashamed that poverty (or elements of poverty) means you have substandard accommodation. It’s unlikely that this is all due to your past/present decisions. At least in my country rampant protection and promotion of keeping housing supply suppressed and rentals expensive are the dominant factor.

I also don’t think you are looking down on people by venting. It doesn’t feel like you think you are too good for this - but that everyone deserves better - and I agree.

It’s great you only have a month left. If you look to sharing again in the future as a cost saving, my experience is that managed share houses should be avoided whenever possible. Private shares provide a lot more chance to mix with people of similar expectations/lifestyle. If a large managed option - the really big ones with cleaners beat lots of people crammed into a house ime. At least I find sharing bathroom/kitchen with 15-20 people easier as it was managed and policed. Private ensuite in each room is even better - kitchen mess is often easier to cope with than bathroom. At least you can keep electric pan/pot in your room and know it’s always clean!

Maybe not privacy - but independence! There’s a huge difference between a flatmate and your parents.

when you live at home - it is first and foremost your parents’ home, and you’re kind of a permanent guest. You don’t have an equal say in things. Unless you have a really separate place you’ll probably share meals (parents choosing your food), have your comings and goings noticed and commented on etc. It doesn’t have to be controlling to feel you can’t just do your own thing in their home.

It’s also really hard to have a flatmate like dynamic with your parents (I’m sure some manage). The simplest example is dating - introducing a date to your flatmate is very different to introducing a date to your parents (especially the next morning!).

Bless you OP. I'm so sympathetic. I'm over 40 now, and was very recently in a house share for a while. Many of us are having to these days, as housing costs are so insane if you're alone and on a modest income.
It didn't suit me at all, as an introvert. It probably suits some people.
But, you've got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, I think you can hold your head up high, knowing you're living within your means, and being sensible for your future.
I've come to see life as like a game of snakes and ladders. There's a ladder round the corner for you, and this too shall pass. It'll be a distant memory eventually...

The grass is always greener.

I have a house, a husband and two primary aged children.

We have a comfortable life but there is CONSTANT housework to be done and I sometimes barely get a minute to myself in between school runs, work, cooking, cleaning, endless laundry, life admin, taking kids about to after school clubs etc. I don't get that much time to be alone.

I can see why your current mode of living isn't what you'd choose, but you have INDEPENDENCE in spades, you could go out any time you want, explore where you live, cook when you want, stay up reading books, etc etc. You don't have to consider anyone else's feelings beyond not making too much noise or mess that would annoy your housemates.

I'd look at the upsides more than the downsides, this might be one of the only times in your life when you get to live just for you. Don't waste it worrying about the odd skid mark!

I was in flatshares for most of my 20s and early 30s, the last couple of flatshares were sharing with only one or two other persons and in some cases had my own bathroom and those flatmates were clean and considerate, but I’ve had some awful experiences especially in larger house shares.

I totally understand what you mean about feeling bad living in a house share and it can make you feel as if you’ve gone backwards if you’ve previously rented a place yourself or your partner before . Don’t let anyone trivialise how you feel - it’s absolutely disgusting and uncomfortable sharing a house with people who are inconsiderate with not cleaning up after themselves in communal areas . Your home is the one place you should be able to feel comfortable and in many cases when I flatshared I felt the same ick in the bathroom as when I was using the office toilet.

I think it’s a shame that in many parts of the country is incredibly hard for singles to live on their own. personally I don’t think anyone over the age of say 21 working full-time should need to flatshare …in an ideal world of course, but tell that to rent prices!

You’re not a loser, it’s no reflection on you, or anyone else who flatshares. it’s just the reality of the wages / housing situation in this country unfortunately.

It’s really hard, people say “just tell the housemates” but it’s not an easy conversation. And in most cases when you do say something nothing changes!

I lived with 3 guys once, one super tidy and clean the other two were disgusting in the bathroom and careless in the kitchen like leaving the back door open (in a high crime area) and smoking weed. I did raise the issues a few times but eventually got sick of it and just moved in with family for a while.

Perhaps just focus your energy on getting ready for a new start in your studio. Only one month left and you can just start the year afresh in spring :)

I'm 32, my anxiety is really bad ATM and I recently got rejected by a guy I liked, it's not the end of the world but it's adding to my shame.
I ended up financially supporting my ex which was one of the reasons I left, my savings aren't great, I'll be able to build them back up hopefully after next month but it's another thing that makes me feel ashamed.

Well you can’t change the past but perhaps as part of your new start you can look into how you ended up where you did and make decisions differently next time?

Although your ex was financially dependent on you it sounds as if your self esteem is quite dependent on having a man which is why you went for a new guy so quickly and put up with financially supporting your ex ?
I wouldn’t financially support any man I wasn’t married to especially if my savings was taking a hit!

No shame btw, it’s understandable why you want to find and hold onto the one, but maybe next time try and look at the situation objectively and whether you’re in an equal relationship.

Well done on leaving the last relationship though , it doesn’t sound as if it was a good one.

You don’t need to feel shame OP but i understand exactly how you feel and why.

You just have to remember that this will pass, it isn’t forever and things will get better for you. Be good to yourself and don’t let this current situation consume you (easy as it is to let it!) all the best.

This too shall pass x

Absolutely nothing

Thanks everyone :)

I lived in similar houseshares until I was 28. If I hadn't, then I wouldn't have been able to save the deposit for my house.

Unless you come from a particularly privileged background, this is a pretty normal experience for most people.

It's not ideal, but at least you're still young and you won't be in this situation forever. Some people are still in this situation in their 40s and 50s.

Totally get where you’re coming from OP, even if some other posters to this thread just aren’t getting it.

Going back to house sharing after having your own space, even one shared with a SO, feels alienating. A single room to live in and shared spaces that others aren’t considerate enough to keep clean. I wonder how many posters on here admonishing you would like to live their life in one room and share a toilet with someone else’s skid marks in it?

And there is a sense of shame there, because we compare ourselves to others and we feel at our age that we should be able to have our own space. And we really should, especially as we work hard in full time jobs. It almost feels like a pause on adulthood.

Just know that so many of us are in the same boat and there’s no shame in it at all. It’s society and bad attitudes that make us feel that shame.

I hope your last month goes quickly for you and you enjoy your studio flat when you move in.

Good God. Can no one talk about their lives anymore? They must always compare their misfortune to that of others who are worse off? OP should be grateful her problem is just skid marks?

natural conclusion of this mindset is that we all lose to Yazidi women circa 2015. No one else can complain or not think their lives are great.

This was my initial feeling in reading the post too - it's so true that we as humans find it hard to see the beauty in the moment we're currently in. What I would give for the space and time to do as I pleased right now!