Hate housesharing, feel like a loser

[Cantwaittomoveout]

Fortunately I'm able to leave in one month. I went through a breakup and had to move somewhere else, however I still owed a further two months of rent on the flat I shared with my ex so I couldn't afford much, hence moving into a houseshare.
I can't move back to my parents as they live 2 hours away from my job.
I don't have enough space at all for all of my belongings, everything is crammed into this room.
I am sharing a kitchen with 5 others so can't really cook much, been just buying a lot of stuff outside or eating ready meals which I feel embarrassed about.
I am sharing the bathroom, it's an all female household and somebody constantly leaves skid marks in the toilet, hairs in the sink and so on. I've reported this to the agency, they said they'd have a word but nothing has changed.
I can't even watch TV because I'm in an attic room and the internet signal is poor, having connection issues so I have to watch everything on my phone.
I can literally hear someone snoring on the floor below so have to wear earplugs every night.
Or having loud phone conversations at 6:30am.
I'm glad I'm not dating anyone as I'd be embarrassed to bring them here. I did my best to make it nice with decorations and such but the lack of space is an issue.
I'm 32, my anxiety is really bad ATM and I recently got rejected by a guy I liked, it's not the end of the world but it's adding to my shame.
I ended up financially supporting my ex which was one of the reasons I left, my savings aren't great, I'll be able to build them back up hopefully after next month but it's another thing that makes me feel ashamed.
Not sure what I'm looking for, just a vent really. The saving grace is that I've only got a month left.

OK the house share will be over in a month. But there's a much deeper issue here.

You feel 'lucky' to have a good job.

You feel 'shame' for eating ready meals.

What you are describing is that you feel shame and embarrassment and blame yourself for things that are outside your control and in some cases caused by others.

But you feel Lucy for things you had to work for. You have control over and cause to happen.

You have a wonky locus of control, taking responsibility for bad things you didn't cause but giving yourself no credit for good things you caused. A wonky locus of control makes you unhappy and ineffective. THAT'S what you need to work on.

Op if you’re looking to move end of march, you should have that place lined up now.

It's the houseshare youre in, not houseshare generally. I know you feel bad about the rejection but see it as avoiding leaping out of the frying pan and into a fire.

Take time. Cook. Get a wifi booster. Consider a different houseshare. We had a bad housemate but the rest of us bonded and are friends years later. A houseshare with a weekly cleaner is essential because with the best will in the world, the bathrooms and deeper clean bits like the oven wont get cleaned on a rota. Head up, stay strong. You will look back at this as a chapter. Treat yourself to a book called "I Lick My Cheese"

Leave a sign up in the loo. I would anyway, if I didn't get the opportunity to speak to them individually.
There is so much shame attached to your post, but keep reminding yourself that your situation is circumstantial - not your fault! - and will be over soon.

Nothing to be ashamed about here at all. You are making a fresh start. It will take a bit of time. I promise you that in 18 months time, you will look back & realise you did the exact right thing. Our lives don’t always make a lot of sense, but when you are older and play it out in your mind in reverse it all fits together. xxx

I house shared until I was 27, but I am much older than you, in fact that was almost 27 years ago as I will be 54 soon. There really is nothing to be embarrassed about, even in 1997 it was still hard to buy a property in London (where I was living) and it was perfectly normal to be sharing. I do not doubt that things are even harder now then when I was 27, as such I would have thought it as normal to be house-sharing at 32 as it was for me at 27, three decades ago.

You could still be more discerning about who you chose to live with though. I never had any problem with dirty flat / house mates and I started sharing in 1990 as a student and shared with numerous people thereafter.

On the bright side, youre not living on the street. Its a temporary stop gap. Onwards and upwards x

Sorry, that does sound tough. At least it's temporary. You are going through a bad time atm but it will be a very different picture further down the line.

It doesn’t come across well to dismiss people’s experiences either or to look out for opportunities to kick people when they are down. Even though there is no shame in shared accommodation, it’s completely understandable that OP would feel it’s a backward step. Hopefully it will be temporary and you’ll be in a better position very soon, OP.

You're not a loser - and you're still really young. See if you can find a smaller share with just 1 or max 2 other people.
I have friends who didn't meet a partner still sharing in their 40s. Par for the course these days if single I'm afraid

OP, you should be proud of yourself. You left a relationship that wasn't working for you - many would have stayed.

You found yourself accommodation, and you're moving on to something better in a month.

You're going to get back on your feet financially.

These are all things to be proud of you. You strike me as the kind of woman that can't be kept down. I tip my hat to you! And sorry that you're feeling low about your current situation, but you can 100% make it through the next month.

Perhaps because a full-time working adult cannot afford their own small apartment for rent or buy. It should be possible for everyone.

Thank you everyone. It was also a mistake to pursue someone fairly soon after a break up, I really thought he was interested and if he's not that's fine, it was just so soon to have a rejection after a break up, I wish I'd not bothered.
At least it's just one more month to go.

A house share sounds like a really financially prudent thing to do to accelerate yourself to getting back on track. I have great admiration for people who accept temporary hardship to prevent debt accumulating or to keep living within their means when life throws them a curveball

I was going to say something very similar.

Op - have you also got another thread going about feeling awful for misinterpreting a man's feelings, and how terrible you feel about that?

It does sound as though you are very hard on yourself, and extremely critical.

You say you can’t live with parents as they are 2 hrs away from work, but could you leave some of your stuff with them? So it’s not all in one room for now. Maybe go see them next weekend with a few bags or suitcases full of stuff you don’t need the next 6 weeks. You can free up space in your room, and change of scenery for a weekend

Ofcourse but it's still not something to feel shame over if you can't. Frustration by all means but shame??

The op explained they didn't mean it in that way but surely you don't think this?

Actually yes I do think this. People can feel like they haven't achieved enough at their age and feel shame.

My DP lived in a house share with 5 other guys when we met, I definitely didn’t think any less of him because of his situation. They pretty much all stayed to themselves and lived in their rooms but were all nice enough to say hello to in passing.

Please don’t feel embarrassed about your situation, it’s simply a stepping stone to something better

You do know in London and many other places even on a professional wage like teacher/nurse/police it's very hard to afford a 1 bed flat to rent, never mind to buy. Many educated and people on good wages in good jobs have no choice but to house share. It's nothing to be ashamed about, it's the way the housing market is in 2024, it's not 1984 anymore. Things have changed and home ownership is becoming elusive for many.

I think it's a pretty shitty thing to think one should feel shame over this.

This was a means to an end, and you'll be out soon.

It doesn't sound like the easiest houseshare anyway with no living space and no collaboration about cleaning.

Take a deep breath and get plenty of walks before the month is out.

Why don't you go home to your parents at the weekend so you have something to look forward to and a short break from the house share and the boyfriend trouble that is getting you down? Also, to get back on your feet financially and emotionally, could you live with your parents if you worked from home for a few days a week - say if you only had to travel in for two days?

I do know this very well. I live in London myself. Still doesn't mean that it's ok that people working full-time cannot afford a small apartment. But since you are adamant that someone feeling shame is wrong for feeling like this I will leave it at that.

Why feel shame though? It's a perfectly normal and standard thing to happen these days that is beyond the control of many.

Linda, you are not understanding it and I won't explain it any further.