So hard to make a friend - disappointed

[spanieleyes22]

So I recently moved to a new city and have found it so hard to make proper friends. I have lots of acquaintances but nobody who I could pop into or meet for a coffee . I find it so hard to move from having a chat to going to each others houses. Anyway I thought I was friends with this woman. I think I am in fairness. But the last 3 times -one each week for the last 3 weeks- I suggested meeting up she's said no. Once she said her kids were tired and didn't want to get dressed another time she said she had to wash their hair so didn't have time and then she wasn't feeling well and on that occasion I suggested calling in and looking after her kids so she could rest or taking them out but she said no. I think I'm not going to suggest anything for a while I'm feeling a bit bruised tbh. It's not like she has lots of friends I know she doesn't cos she moved here recently too. Am a bit upset about it and also feeling like a bit of an idiot maybe she feels like I'm pestering her and I'd hate her to think that. I'm just genuinely a bit lonely and would love to hang out. I was gonna txt her today as it's a lovely day and say would she like to meet at the park or go for a walk but I'm not going to .

Ha just read that back and I sound like a needy fuck!!!! I think she likes me too we always have good chats or so I thought .

Bless you. It's hard

Maybe suggest today and if she can't ask her to list some dates she could make?

I am sure you're not needy. We all need connection btw

You sound lovely OP and I would love to meet someone like you if I moved to a new area. There are all sorts of reasons why she might be reluctant to take up your suggestions. Continue to be friendly with her (without suggesting any more meetings for now) and don't let it put you off making the first move with other potential friends. ❤️

This might sound weird but how much notice are you giving? I'm very unlikely to ever agree to same day or next day plans.

I could do it in my 20's but unless is scheduled it's not happening these days. Its no reflection on my friends I just can't be bothered with the preparation involved in "peopleling" unless I have time to mentally prepare for it.

I understand that probably makes me sound nuts. I really do love my friends, honestly.

To add to my previous post, I've just realised you have moved to a new city.

Cities can be funny places and city people are often more reserved than country folk and suspicious of getting close to new people too quickly. You might need to tread a bit more slowly, but don't let that put you off. People need friends wherever they live.

I think your main problem is that you have moved recently. It’s great that already you have people to chat to and be friendly with but becoming actual friends is a different ballgame and takes far longer. I have a lot of good friends but none of them happened very quickly.

Do you have a partner or DC? If so tap into potential friend opportunities there too but none of it will happen overnight.

Have you joined any classes or groups that would have a social element? I’m sure it will happen, just keep being yourself and hang in there.

Agree with pp who says you need to arrange meet ups in advance, impromptu same day meet ups are maybe something people are up for when they’re young and don’t have a partner or kids or a full time demanding job or housework to do or other things going on but generally I think most busy adults want to schedule plans at least a week or so in advance. I consider myself to have a good group of friends but not really anyone who I would text in a morning to met up later same day and if friends text me to do something later that day I would probably say no even if I had nothing planned as I like days to just chill and do nothing. I like socialising but only if I am prepared for it in advance. Maybe try arranging something for a few weeks time rather than expecting to arrange at short notice.

I moved to a new area 5yrs ago, didn't know a soul. I signed up for a craft class and a lady there suggested a particular Meet Up group. Went online, signed up, went to an event (theatre), met a friendly lady who introduced me to more, and now I've never had such a large group of friends. And I do call them friends because I know I could ask for help and any of them would be at the door.

As PP has suggested, spontaneous 'dates' aren't usually taken up. Some notice is normal. Might be a few days or even a few months if it's a play or concert or restaurant opening.

Maybe you could firm up a date with your friend by suggesting something in advance? Cinema, coffee, a walk? Ask when suits her.

If she keeps saying no or making excuses, then, like dating, throw that friend back in the pool and find other friends, friends who will appreciate you as you do them.

Understand your frustration OP, and hope things change for the better soon. After three knock-backs, I don't think I'd push the friend to meet up just yet (and definitely don't ask her for a list of dates!) - wait and see if she initiates something, and continue trying to meet people and widen your circle in the meantime.

Can i ask how you met the woman? Is it a 'school mum'? Or through work?

Don't be disheartened.

I'm the sort of person who, if i like someone, will happily chat for ages to them the situation where i usually see them (school gate or at work) but am horribly antisocial when it comes to actually doing something with someone out of routine.

She might be the same.

Have you got work colleagues? A pass time you can share locally like running or an art club? Is there a local face book page? They sometimes have meet up ideas?

Is there a particular sport or activity that you like? I think that can be a good way into making friends. Most of my friends were found through my running club and the newer friends that I have were made at a buggy fit class or via taking DD to junior parkrun.

Do you have children?

Nope, don't.

This woman has repeatedly said "no" or made excuses. Perhaps she was genuinely busy, but if she wants to meet up it's her move next to suggest something. It really would seem like pestering to ask yet again. Actually, reading the OP again it already seems OTT to have asked three times in a row.

A lot of people who don't have lots of friends don't actually want to make friends. It sounds like this woman might be like that.

I would still consider her as a friend even if she doesn't want to get too close.

It also sounds like most of your suggestions were spontaneous meets, which can be overwhelming - certainly if they aren't used to it.

I would keep it casual for now and if you were to invite her out again, make sure it's a loose invitation "you're welcome to join if you want" and in advance.

I wouldn't continue to arrange anything, leave it to her.

Many people are self-absorbed/too busy/selfish etc to want to work to make or maintain friendships. Especially difficult when you have your own family/children.

Thanks for the replies. No they are not arrangements on the day usually plans made on a Wed or Thurs for the Sat but she cancels on sat morn when I text her saying what time shall we meet etc. Anyway yeh wil just back off. She's a single parent and so am I and she doesn't have family near like me, and we both often at a loose end at the weekends so I had thought it would be lovely to hang out on a Sat or sun afternoon. Just for a couple of hours . Well I'll just leave it now and see if she suggests anything I guess she just doesn't want to be friends or doesn't need /want company at the moment

She could be depressed. It’s also worth googling attachment styles as it helps you understand why people are like they are - and why we react like we do. I think you should just leave it light and focus on making other friends and connections.

It's all just too intense, I feel a bit stifled just reading this. No-one owes you friendship, it doesn't really matter what her circumstances are. She doesn't owe a friendship to someone simply because her family aren't living locally or because "it's not like she has lots of friends" or "she could be depressed" (wth?) and yet that's the vibe I'm getting. Didn't you pick up that you were being too full on after the second cancellation?

Thanks for making me feel like a needy fuck. I'll just give up and give in to a solitary life then. Will never contact her again or would
That be too much do you think

If you have lived in the same place for a long time and have made friends when your kids were small or have other friends of have family close by you have no clue what it's like to be lonely every weekend. And yeh I do a book club and another hobby club and a craft club and a walking club but I'm saying it's really hard to move from acquaintances to arranging to meet up and feeling comfortable enough to txt someone and say do you fancy hanging out. Obvs I've misread the situation with this woman and I'm disappointed. And embarrassed. It's taken a lot for me to initiate contact as I'm quite shy. But hey ho. Another one bites the dust.

Yes it is hard and unfortunately it probably takes years to make real friends which is really hard and strange as there are so many people who would like more friends / better friend

The only other thing to think about is how do you behave when you are with someone - lonely people often dominate a conversation as being able to talk to another person is such a relief- but perhaps also look at people in your book / hobby groups who have poor social behaviour- it might be that they are lonely and will calm down and act more normal if shown a bit of attention ( risk of attracting the limpet though!)

And good luck

I'm so sorry it's been hard. I'm shy too and you're sounding incredibly brave and positive to me, getting out there! Are there kids' hobbies you could plan for the weekends? Depending on age of DC obviously. Sports are quite often weekendy, and music stuff. It could just be another way of meeting parents that's not the school gates and gives a structure to an empty ish weekend.
You sound lovely and I'm sure it's just a question of time.

Unfortunately dc are late teens now and don't need me to the them to anything

I understand the disappointment, OP.
But at least you tried! Don't give up.

My advice to make friends is always to join a club/organisation/association, and really get involved in it. You will meet people with common interests, and you will spend time together pursuing your hobby/working for the organisation, etc. You will always have things to talk about.
I read that you are in several clubs, so think that is a really good start! Maybe give it more time?
I am in a club that I really enjoy, but it took quite a while until I really really became friends with the other members. (I mean, we were always friendly, but it took maybe 3 or 4 years until we started to meet up outside of the hobby).

Good luck! Don't give up.

I feel for you, but friendships will come! You're not "needy", you're a human being who wants mates!