So hard to make a friend - disappointed

[spanieleyes22]

So I recently moved to a new city and have found it so hard to make proper friends. I have lots of acquaintances but nobody who I could pop into or meet for a coffee . I find it so hard to move from having a chat to going to each others houses. Anyway I thought I was friends with this woman. I think I am in fairness. But the last 3 times -one each week for the last 3 weeks- I suggested meeting up she's said no. Once she said her kids were tired and didn't want to get dressed another time she said she had to wash their hair so didn't have time and then she wasn't feeling well and on that occasion I suggested calling in and looking after her kids so she could rest or taking them out but she said no. I think I'm not going to suggest anything for a while I'm feeling a bit bruised tbh. It's not like she has lots of friends I know she doesn't cos she moved here recently too. Am a bit upset about it and also feeling like a bit of an idiot maybe she feels like I'm pestering her and I'd hate her to think that. I'm just genuinely a bit lonely and would love to hang out. I was gonna txt her today as it's a lovely day and say would she like to meet at the park or go for a walk but I'm not going to .

No advice OP but I just wanted to say I completely understand. It's really hard and it does make you feel like a loser (even though I know Im not!). I've found it harder than dating. People just seem to have their own lives and friendships established and just aren't interested.

She just sounds flakey. I'd back off, mostly because she is not valuing your time, leave her to approach if she wants to. Cast your net more widely, you'll find someone soon who's actually up for meeting up.

Don't feel embarrassed. Some people are not keen on meeting at short notice for example. Her house may have been in a mess/ she was in her stained onesie and didn't fancy giving you a 'bad' impression of her? She could have a grumpy partner who's a bit controlling? Lots of reasons for her to politely decline.
Could you maybe book something a bit further in advance, like a cinema trip, day out at local attraction, picnic/ walking in the woods? Something you both like and on a day with enough notice to plan ahead.
Carry on being friendly, don't ever be put off if someone can't always see you. Show people you are willing, and open to doing things and don't just stick to this one person, anyone you like, why not cheerfully ask them for a drink on the off chance? Others might like spontaneous things more than planned activities.

Could you maybe book something a bit further in advance, like a cinema trip, day out at local attraction, picnic/ walking in the woods? Something you both like and on a day with enough notice to plan ahead.

Sorry but this is such poor advice. The woman has cancelled three times in a row. Read the signals! 🤦‍♀️

Sorry, it is difficult. It takes time. It took me 4 months of going to a play group before I arranged to see a woman I spoke to every week at a different activity and then a further 2 months before I invited her to my house. She declined so I won't ask again, I will wait for her to initiate.

I have to admit your desire to be popping round and minding the kids comes across as overly familiar. Most people wouldn't want strangers in their home when they're feeling under the weather. Hell, I wouldn't even want my best friend there when I'm ill! I would feel extremely suspicious about an acquaintance who wanted access to my children. I know you're just trying to be kind but she doesn't know that.

I can only suggest increasing the number of people you speak to! If you have small, frequent contacts with lots of people then you can build up relationships without overwhelming one person.

Well I didn't mean to hurt your feelings and sorry if I did, I was just trying to point out the social signals this woman has been sending because it sounded like you hadn't picked up on them, possibly because you've been out of the "making friends" loop for a while?

You are going to meet other friends and there's no need to fixate on friendship with this one woman. Yes, it's harder when you're not in your twenties any more but it will happen.

I've moved areas twice in my life.

It is hard to make friends.

Joining things helps you make acquaintances and then over time some of them turn into friends.

Some people are just not the "popping in" type though even if you are best friends with them.

I'm sorry you are lonely at the weekends.

It does sound like you misread her signals a bit - if she says she is washing her hair that is canonical for back off a bit.

Her kids know me now I've taken them to the park a couple of times to give her a break and to the cinema once when she was trying to get some Xmas shopping done

Just working out that it's been 8 months since we first met. Anyway thank you all for the advice . Will dust myself down and get out there again. X

Have you considered that she might be a bit of a user if you have looked after her children but then she can't be bothered to meet up with you?

I don't think you sound needy by the way and I get how hard this is.

It takes time. And might need to flow more naturally.
it is especially hard when you have a busy life. I have a friend who doesn’t work, kids are in school. She always asks to go for a coffee/ walk: meet up… and whilst I do like her, I am also very protective over the very limited time I have and sometimes I just want that time to myself.
if this woman has younger children maybe she is also building up a network of school mums, and needs to take her kids to things.

That did cross my mind... but she does seem to like me I don't think I'm imagining things and I like seeing the kids as mine are older now and I love younger kids chit chat and having fun with them it's not a chore to me . I dunno. I'll
Back off for now anyway won't suggest anything

I feel for you OP. It will happen, it'll just be something that naturally develops. The only time I've found it easy to make friends is at school, uni or when I've had my babies. Any chance of doing any of these things?! 😂 You will get there, keep putting yourself out there, go to socials when they do them for your hobbies. Maybe get on some dating sites?

Another possibility is that she's genuinely busy with life and just made crap excuses to cancel. In which case she'll suggest something soon enough.

It does sound like you're taking it to heart when it's not really a huge thing, you must be feeling very sensitive about it but it's probably not as big a thing as it's turned into in your own mind.

Yikes.

At the risk of sounding like a bit of an arse, if this is how you interact with people, I’m not surprised you’re having issues. I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down, but seriously, try to step back and think about how you come across when you say things like this, or when you repeatedly ask someone to socialise and they make polite excuses.

If this is a consistent problem - that is, not something you’re only experiencing with this woman, who probably has her own stuff going on - then you’re either putting people off in some way, or you’re targeting the wrong sort of people.

When you meet people, if you want to make friends, you need to sell yourself as the best version of you that you can. Then if the other person doesn’t want to pursue a friendship, they’re just not the right person. You need to develop a bit of a Teflon coating to let it slide off you when this happens, and move on to new people / clubs until you find the people you fit with.

I’ve moved around a lot in life and made a lot of new friends in different places - I’m not someone who is still hanging out with old school friends / uni friends, not that there’s anything wrong with that, obviously, just that it isn’t practical when you’re in new places. And, nobody gets it right all the time - I’ve definitely tried to socialise with people / groups who weren’t a good fit for me, or reacted in ways that aren’t ideal - it’s a constant learning experience. You just have to keep trying.

I would leave her be now and see if she reaches out. Leave it to her to plan the next meet-up, you have tried your best. I don't think you have done anything wrong or been too overbearing, people are just different and some needs periods of solitude when others crave more contact. I think one major difference is that she has young kids and you have older teens, it's natural that your available time and energy levels are different now.

I would join an app though to meet new friends. I moved to a city a couple of years ago and have met lots of lovely women that way. I can then filter them so that I only meet women roughly my age who have older kids or no kids and who likes to do the things I like to do. A bit like online dating but much less pressure and a lot fewer assholes.

I’m someone who really appreciated people like you when I was younger.

If lovely, friendly women at my jobs hadn’t decided they wanted to be my friend and pursued it I would have had a lot less lovely memories because I was the opposite - too scared of rejection!

Keep doing what you’re doing in general, some will be really grateful, some won’t. It’s about finding people who click with your friendship style.

Have you tried volunteering with something like cubs/scouts or brownies/guides? They'd be really grateful for people who love to spend time with kids but you'd also get the chance to make friends with other volunteers

Darling, go on meetup.com I made loads of friends via that after my divorce. I started with a women only walking group, then a book club, then wine and wisdom for the over 50's. There's even stuff like knitting groups if that's your bag.
Good luck, you sound lovely