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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my 11yo to get themself ready for clubs?

44 replies

AnnonymousMum · 25/02/2024 08:26

My son has sports training every Saturday, he's been going for >2 years.

Usually I am around beforehand and I help/ give him prompts to get stuff ready. I don't do it all for him but I'm around to say for example "have you filled your water bottle?" and "we're leaving in 15 minutes, have you checked your bag?" There are inevitably things he can't find and I often end up helping him look for his t-shirt or suggesting places something might be ..

Yesterday I was out taking younger sibling to a party and told 11yo to be waiting by the door ready when we got back as time was tight.

I rang to say we were on our way and yet as I get in he's fumbling about and doesn't have shoes or coat on, he's lost something he needs and has 3 bags emptied out on the floor looking for it... I told him to get in the car right now.

We got in the car and half way there I ask if he has everything and he says "no, you were shouting at me to get in so I just got in the car" 😣

Luckily we were able to borrow kit from a coach, but 11yo insists that I caused this by not helping him get ready. I always try to encourage him to be independent but he always ends up needing me to do something.

I feel like he should know what he needs, he had 3 hours to get ready while we were out. (His Dad/my husband was also home but just left him to it), he knew the time and even had a warning when we left the party.

So..

  • am I being unreasonable expecting him to get ready, seeing that I'm usually on hand and he's not used to doing it independently?

Or

  • am I not being unreasonable and he should be able to get himself ready for a familiar activity by 11yo.

P.S. No additional needs, starts secondary in September, gets ready for school and walks home from school independently.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 25/02/2024 08:32

No, not unreasonable if he is able to do it for school.

Can you do him a check list of what he needs and give it to him Thursday evening, so he has a bit of time to gather it all together. Hopefully the more he does it, the easier it gets.

InTheRainOnATrain · 25/02/2024 08:36

I think you can help in so far as making sure when kit comes out of the wash it’s put away in the same place, shoes are in the same place, if it’s a sport that requires a mouthguard for example you have a duplicate so there’s no fumbling around in the school bag wondering if it’s made it home etc. A place for everything and everything in its place. But that’s as far as I would help and he should be perfectly capable of doing the rest. My 6YO has an after school ballet club one night a week and can pack her own bag for that including a snack. An 11YO should manage it easily so long as the house isn’t really chaotic and you’re not talking about a scenario where he has no clue if his kit in his wardrobe, hanging up on a drying rack in the spare room, still inside the dryer, packed in a bag already, in a pile in the airing cupboard…

PaperDoIIs · 25/02/2024 08:41

YANBU . What you can do is print out a kit tick list and stick it up on his bedroom as an extra visual aid. Then he can use that to get his bag ready, preferably not the morning before.

BlueMum16 · 25/02/2024 08:45

I disagree with everyone else. You already know he needs help and you usually do this. Therefore unreasonable to expect him to miraculously managed on this occasion.

All the suggestions are a great way to help him learn independence but right not he's not quite ready.

What's more unreasonable is that his dad didn't help amongst all this. He should have known you were due back and ensured DS was ready.

IncognitoUsername · 25/02/2024 08:47

You are being unreasonable in that you normally help him, so he hasn’t had to be independent and there was another functional adult in the house who could have helped.
You are not unreasonable in expecting him to be more independent at that age though. But you’ll need to help him get there.

Needmorelego · 25/02/2024 08:47

Maybe he doesn't want to do the club anymore which is why he doesn't sort his stuff and get ready.

MagpiePi · 25/02/2024 08:48

YANBU.
Let him suffer the consequences of forgetting kit, and if he needs a check list then let him write it himself.

There’s nothing more cringey than a 15 year old whining ‘Mum, you forgot my boots ’

CremeEggOverload · 25/02/2024 08:49

Ok expect him to be able to do it. Fine. I have child of this age. I get it.

But you got home and he clearly wasn't ready but you made him get in car anyway?

Then waited until you were halfway there to ask if he had everything!?

I mean wtf did you expect? This is nuts.

Straycatblue · 25/02/2024 08:49

Of course at 11 years old he should be able to get ready himself

But from your description it sounds like he's never had to & you've always been there doing all the problem solving for him then suddenly withdrawn your help & been angry & frustrated at him cos he couldn't do it

(Getting ready for school in his mind is probably different than getting ready for an activity that he's never had to get ready for by himself before)

You're going to have to teach him how to problem solve & become more independent & withdraw gradually as he learns

Chocochoo · 25/02/2024 08:51

If he was having trouble getting ready, why didn’t he ask his Dad for help?

AbsentCause · 25/02/2024 08:51

Make it his problem, but you’ll help solve it. So I would ask him what would have made him able to be ready. Then he can say something like a checklist or whatever and you can say ‘what a great idea’ and watch him write it, prompt him if he forgets anything and help him work out where to keep it.

Next week, mention ‘his’ checklist in a positive way (to remind him), and praise using it / being ready. And repeat.

Sirzy · 25/02/2024 08:52

You can’t just go from helping to suddenly expecting him to do it alone though. You went out knowing he wasn’t ready and then rushed him when you got back. Why wasn’t his dad helping him make sure he was organised?

user1494050295 · 25/02/2024 08:53

Yanbu. But your husband should have helped by nudging your son.

Original poster
AnnonymousMum · 25/02/2024 09:01

He was putting stuff into the bag as I took daughter in and came out with a bag and shoes on..(I found his water bottle while he did this) so I did think/hope he'd managed it..😂 but yes I should have checked!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnonymousMum · 25/02/2024 09:02

AbsentCause · 25/02/2024 08:51

Make it his problem, but you’ll help solve it. So I would ask him what would have made him able to be ready. Then he can say something like a checklist or whatever and you can say ‘what a great idea’ and watch him write it, prompt him if he forgets anything and help him work out where to keep it.

Next week, mention ‘his’ checklist in a positive way (to remind him), and praise using it / being ready. And repeat.

I'm definitely doing this, thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnonymousMum · 25/02/2024 09:03

Needmorelego · 25/02/2024 08:47

Maybe he doesn't want to do the club anymore which is why he doesn't sort his stuff and get ready.

His Dad said the same thing but son is adamant this is not the case.

OP posts:
artpkvea · 25/02/2024 09:05

My eldest absolutely he was doing stuff like that independently long before 11.

My youngest, 10, has ADHD and needs regular prompts or he will get distracted doing something else, though the more we develop a routine the better he is, I only really need to prompt him as to when to get shoes on now, he can retrieve all the stuff himself, routine and persistence is the key.

Ariona · 25/02/2024 09:09

Yanbu, my 7yo gets his stuff ready the night before, fills his water bottle in the morning and gets ready as soon as he gets up. Pretty ridiculous that an 11yo can't do this.

SharedAccountWithMySister · 25/02/2024 09:11

Surely DH could have helped son and taken him to the club? Why is everything on you?

Original poster
AnnonymousMum · 25/02/2024 09:14

SharedAccountWithMySister · 25/02/2024 09:11

Surely DH could have helped son and taken him to the club? Why is everything on you?

DH is partially sighted and can't drive. He does lots of other things. I think son didn't ask for help as he knows really he should have been doing it...

OP posts:
Newbalancebeam · 25/02/2024 09:16

He should have been able to do it at his age but is used to help, so you’ve created a rod for your own back there. The oddest thing about this is that his dad was there with him and didn’t help facilitate the whole thing, thus helping his son and you. What’s that about?

Wellhellooooodear · 25/02/2024 09:17

YANBU but this is absolutely typical of an 11 year old boy. Possibly girls too but my DD was a lot more organised. Talking to my sons friends mums they are all like this.

Newbalancebeam · 25/02/2024 09:17

Ok, just seen that your DH is partially sighted. That does change things. However, he could still have chatted it through with DC, given him time warnings etc.

SpringOfContentment · 25/02/2024 09:19

It's more the disconnect between business as usual and yesterday that has caused the issues. If you've always caught things that have been forgotten, and it's typical not to have everything, in some ways your DH was setting him up to fail by not helping.

So, you could move from "have you got your waterbottle" to "what have you packed" to get them to plan it through before leaving them to do it solo.

WandaWonder · 25/02/2024 09:20

There is a lot I could expect of my child but I know my child and what they can handle or not

Me expecting something doesn't make it happen

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