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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my 11yo to get themself ready for clubs?

44 replies

AnnonymousMum · 25/02/2024 08:26

My son has sports training every Saturday, he's been going for >2 years.

Usually I am around beforehand and I help/ give him prompts to get stuff ready. I don't do it all for him but I'm around to say for example "have you filled your water bottle?" and "we're leaving in 15 minutes, have you checked your bag?" There are inevitably things he can't find and I often end up helping him look for his t-shirt or suggesting places something might be ..

Yesterday I was out taking younger sibling to a party and told 11yo to be waiting by the door ready when we got back as time was tight.

I rang to say we were on our way and yet as I get in he's fumbling about and doesn't have shoes or coat on, he's lost something he needs and has 3 bags emptied out on the floor looking for it... I told him to get in the car right now.

We got in the car and half way there I ask if he has everything and he says "no, you were shouting at me to get in so I just got in the car" 😣

Luckily we were able to borrow kit from a coach, but 11yo insists that I caused this by not helping him get ready. I always try to encourage him to be independent but he always ends up needing me to do something.

I feel like he should know what he needs, he had 3 hours to get ready while we were out. (His Dad/my husband was also home but just left him to it), he knew the time and even had a warning when we left the party.

So..

am I being unreasonable expecting him to get ready, seeing that I'm usually on hand and he's not used to doing it independently?

am I not being unreasonable and he should be able to get himself ready for a familiar activity by 11yo.

P.S. No additional needs, starts secondary in September, gets ready for school and walks home from school independently.

OP posts:

ilovebreadsauce · 25/02/2024 09:20

Yes he should, but it is your fault for babying him normally

AbsentCause · 25/02/2024 09:22

Wellhellooooodear · 25/02/2024 09:17

YANBU but this is absolutely typical of an 11 year old boy. Possibly girls too but my DD was a lot more organised. Talking to my sons friends mums they are all like this.

In my experience, the mums of girls are more likely to tell them to get on with it and make them feel natural consequences.

I think it’s at least partly cultural, as the one mum who set similar organisational expectations for her Y6 son as I did for my Y6 daughter was seen as unusual (I thought she was great). But there is a lot of individual variation on how many tens / hundreds/ thousands of times you have to go through something with a DC to make it stick. One of mine was once or twice, the other somewhere in the hundreds! Both girls.

Ellie1015 · 25/02/2024 09:24

He should be able to. His own idea of checklist sounds perfect. I would also get him to organise everything night before so he has time to empty 3 bags then tidy up after himself if necessary.

When it gets to running late I would end up helping so as much as possible bight before makes sense.

LoreleiG · 25/02/2024 09:24

Yes but there is usually some degree of input and reminding from me. Eleven isn’t really that old though OP. Not in the grand scheme of things. In this situation with me turning up and expecting them to be ready to go even my teen probably wouldn’t have been ready either as she would have got distracted the minute she got off the phone from me. Kids’ brains work differently to ours.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 25/02/2024 09:26

I don't think you're unreasonable but if he's never had to do it before then I'm not entirely surprised he got a bit flustered.

I think the first time they get ready themselves needs to be with you there to catch them when they fall.

That said, could dad not help him find his stuff when he saw he was struggling?

shallowpiece · 25/02/2024 09:28

I set up a system for the sporting equipment - a couple of those crate boxes on shelves on their wardrobes one for the kits and one for all the accessories. A checklist is also useful. We've trained DC up by having one of those by the front door for school for each day of the week of what's needed to check before walking out the door since they could read.

My role now is just making sure the kit is laundered and returned to their rooms in time. They put it away in their boxes and get themselves ready. They do sometimes still need nudged about what time to start getting ready and checking kit bags are packed. But I don't help beyond that. DC rarely forget anything.

SnowyPetals · 25/02/2024 09:29

Well of course it's nice if they can get themselves fully organised for stuff like this but I think some take a lot longer than others to manage it. My 11 year old DS (Y7 at secondary) has no problem getting his stuff together, is never late, can follow Google maps etc. My 15 year old DS, on the other hand, is only really this year managing to leave on time with all his equipment. You may need to be a bit more patient and help him more.

NotaNorovirusFan · 25/02/2024 09:29

I think it’s a personality thing my eldest dd 13 cannot get ready for anything, even getting her to school everyday is a massive struggle she can never find anything and forgets things. Dd9 had always been organised and will already have everything ready for school or sports before I even ask her.
I’m more like my dd 13 so I do sympathise with her a bit but I still expect her to get herself ready, I just try to make sure her things are in the right place and give her earlier reminders to help her as I know it’s not laziness, she just struggles to be organised.

Wellhellooooodear · 25/02/2024 09:29

AbsentCause · 25/02/2024 09:22

In my experience, the mums of girls are more likely to tell them to get on with it and make them feel natural consequences.

Show quote history

Possibly. But I do have to nag my son constantly whereas my daughter just gets on with things. He is getting better though!

YouJustDoYou · 25/02/2024 09:31

Why can't he get his stuff ready for his clubs the night before?

RightOnTheEdge · 25/02/2024 09:36

YANBU to think he should be able to get ready on his own. My son is 11 and I definitely need to start pushing him to do more things for himself before he starts high school.

YABVU for this bit though,
yet as I get in he's fumbling about and doesn't have shoes or coat on, he's lost something he needs and has 3 bags emptied out on the floor looking for it... I told him to get in the car right now.

We got in the car and half way there I ask if he has everything and he says "no, you were shouting at me to get in so I just got in the car" 😣

LoreleiG · 25/02/2024 09:41

shallowpiece · 25/02/2024 09:28

I have just stolen this idea and ordered some storage crates!

Bubblybooboo · 25/02/2024 09:45

YANBU - your son should be able to get his things ready. However I think experiencing forgetting things is a useful learning experience and maybe because that happened he’ll be more likely to remember next time. It’s a learning curve isn’t it.

Maybe you could suggest strategies for him- eg a list of things he needs can he can write out and look at as he packs, or packing the night before/fist thing so it’s not a last minute rush.

LittleOwl153 · 25/02/2024 09:48

I get where you are coming from OP. I have a just 10 ds and a nd dd14 and them and their kits drive me mad! We are now in a position where they sort swim kits by themselves or they don't go. As well as scout/guide stuff. But invariably forget stuff.

He needs to start to understand this stuff as secondary will be tough on him if he can't get his books/kit in the right places.

Mine get told on Sunday to make sure they have everything they need for the week - ironed uniform, cooking ingredients etc. And are prompted each evening to pack bags for the following day (Inc lunch boxes). I find the week runs better if they follow these prompts...

DelphiniumBlue · 25/02/2024 09:50

AbsentCause · 25/02/2024 08:51

Make it his problem, but you’ll help solve it. So I would ask him what would have made him able to be ready. Then he can say something like a checklist or whatever and you can say ‘what a great idea’ and watch him write it, prompt him if he forgets anything and help him work out where to keep it.

Next week, mention ‘his’ checklist in a positive way (to remind him), and praise using it / being ready. And repeat.

This is absolutely right!
I think it would also help to have a discussion about how far in advance he should get ready, how long does it take to get ready, when would be a good time to do it.
His bag can be ( should be?) got ready the night before, water bottle filled first thing...all the thought processes and preparation that you do , should be shared with him.
Personally, my gym kit and swimming kit are all in a bag ready for the next time I go, my coffee and packed lunch are made and put in my bag as soon as I go downstairs, etc etc. We all have processes and habits that make life easier, and these need to be shared explicitly with him.

BogRollBOGOF · 25/02/2024 10:12

My y6 and y8 struggle but both have executive function issues (both dyslexic, and one has further diagnoses).

I (fruitlessly) try each week to get them to put their kits for activities into suitable places to find the following week, and lo and behold each week they're shocked that they need to find the stuff that they wantonly left strewn around the previous week. It takes reminders on the day to warn them when "exit mode" is approaching and what they need to do when "exit mode" is activated.

Most children of this age group should have more self sufficiency, but it often takes building into a routine to learn to manage. My y8 copes with secondary school by having a large, heavy bag where he carries everything every day. Not a strategy I recommend (funnily enough, it was the one I used) and he resists alternative, lighter strategies because it involves more time thinking about dull, menial stuff, not important things like Space Marine Intercessors.

I try to strike the middle ground between not doing it all for them and not leaving them to fail, and each time hope that the routine might not be a shock to their systems.

Bbq1 · 25/02/2024 10:17

Tbf, you did shout at him to get in the car knowing he was still looking for kit... Can't you just help him the night before? You say for example, football boots and he goes and gets them, they go into the bag and you say the next item, he goes and gets it, puts it in the bag and so on. If you're not there dh needs to help him.

TheMoth · 25/02/2024 11:09

Ds is still like this, mid teens. It's a combination of being easily distracted, having no concept of time, laziness and having poor organisational skills. It drives us all mad. I have given him strategies to cope, but i think he needs to find his own. His younger sister is the polar opposite. She would also happily organise him, but I don't want either of them falling into that trap.

Seeline · 25/02/2024 11:17

I think most 11 yo would struggle with this if they always have considerable help normally - especially with the 3 hrs to do it, and be ready at a certain time.
You should have told your DH to help, if he didn't have the sense to step in anyway. Did your DS have the phone call to say you were leaving with DD or your DH? I would have called DH.

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