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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find what my partner said weird?

49 replies

Muddling247 · 25/02/2024 07:11

So just for context, me and DH were out with a mutual friend, originally a group school friend of mine but overtime would say him and DH are closer (occasional message, annual “lads” catch up type thing)

So conversation came round to children, friend has just had a DS (5 months) and we have 2 DC. I’d asked what hospital they were born in. It was mentioned that eldest was born during lockdown and friend asked my partner what that was like for him.

What followed was my partners quite lengthy response of what that was like for him (chairs uncomfortable, no bed, wasn’t able to go to get food) in which he made
no reference to me or the fact that maybe it was slightly tougher for me

So my question is AIBU to have found this weird? I genuinely wasn’t expecting him to go into detail or make it all about me and appreciate that the friend asked him “how was that for you?” but it did feel weird that at no point was there even a “but it must have been hard for X as well” or “X wasn’t exactly having fun either”

I mentioned it after and he doubled down saying that it was his friend asking him a question and he would do the same again.
I said fair enough if I wasn’t sat there having to hear him talking about uncomfortable chairs when I was going through something pretty traumatic

Summary of birth experience if it helps (emergency induction, complications, emergency c section, baby in NICU and 5 day hospital stay with no visitors and substandard care)

So I’m genuinely interested - AIBU?

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 25/02/2024 07:18

It was a bit tactless with you sitting right there, but it sounds as though he thought he should factually answer the question. I think I would have made a 'joke' not at the time, sarcastically saying "oh it must have been sooo difficult for you sitting on uncomfortable chairs while I was bringing a child into the World..." or words to that effect. Some men can be bloody self-centred!

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 25/02/2024 07:24

I think you both are tbh..... Was friend not wondering what the differences were between having a baby in lockdown (them) and pre lockdown (you)?

LemmysBullet · 25/02/2024 07:26

I hear what you are saying but he was asked what it was like for him and he answered the question how it was for him.

Cheepcheepcheep · 25/02/2024 07:36

I had DD in lockdown and have had these conversations with friends. If someone asked me about what it was like having a baby in lockdown I wouldn’t be talking about her tricky birth - which would have happened regardless - but the specific challenges of lockdown (DH not being able to come to scans and getting kicked out of the hospital after her birth, missing out on baby groups and in person HV appts, not being able to spend mat leave doing anything but walks…)

If DH was asked the same I imagine he’d talk about missing out on scans and post birth time, not being able to leave the room to go get food, being told that if he left during my labour he wouldn’t be allowed back in, etc.

I wouldn’t feel aggrieved, he was asked a question and he answered it. He wasn’t asked ‘how did you find the labour’ - if he had then it would have been a bit tactless not to mention your experience, particularly ‘it was so hard seeing her in pain’ - he was asked about how lockdown made a difference for him. And I say this as someone who had a pretty terrible birth so I completely get the desire to chop off people’s heads when they mention that ‘poor DH’ was awake for over 24 hours 😂

Didimum · 25/02/2024 07:40

I don’t think every conversation around your mutual experience needs to be about you, no, regardless who ‘had it worse’. Unless there are wider issues at play, I would forget about it.

Karwomannghia · 25/02/2024 07:43

Sounds like he was asking about the experience of the birth partner during Covid. So I think it was fine.

Mazuslongtoenail · 25/02/2024 07:49

I imagine I’m in the (extreme) minority but I would give birth over being a birthing partner any day. The 48 hours of no sleep, food, helpless watching someone you love go through something dangerous and out of your control fills me with horror.

But when you’re giving birth, it’s all about you, it’s the biggest experience of your life and you’re doing it.

DH is very uncomfortable when I say this and I’m sure everyone will be horrified but it’s how I feel. (And neither of my births went well).

steff13 · 25/02/2024 07:50

They asked him what the experience was like for him. We all know that giving birth is generally difficult for the woman. It doesn't really need to be said.

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/02/2024 07:53

YABU, she was asking about his experience during Covid.

Copperoliverbear · 25/02/2024 07:58

He asked him a direct question and he answered it

SallyWD · 25/02/2024 08:00

Seems fine to me. He was talking from the perspective of the birthing partner (as he was asked about his experience). He might have found it rather odd (and patronising) to talk about the experience of a women giving birth - which is something totally different and not what was asked!

user1984778379202 · 25/02/2024 08:01

She wanted to know his perspective and he answered. Just because he didn’t have the baby himself doesn’t mean he didn’t have a valid experience of his child’s birth.

Ariona · 25/02/2024 08:04

Yabu, how did you make a question directed at him about yourself? What stopped you from adding your bit after he answered. He was asked and answered.

TheNoodlesIncident · 25/02/2024 08:09

His response was okay, because he was asked about HIS personal experience which was bound to differ because of lockdown. It's a given that you had a more difficult and exhausting time as the mother. It doesn't need to be said every single time someone asks about the father's experience.

If someone asked my DH this I would be very interested in his answer, because his experience was different from mine and I was sufficiently engaged to not notice what it was like for him. And it hadn't been in unusual circumstances like lockdown which surely made a significant difference for dads (hence friend asking your DH).

Alwaystransforming · 25/02/2024 08:11

Yabu. The question was how your partner found a birth during lockdown. Not how you found it.

I read it as the friend is a man since you reference lad trips. He was asking his friend about his experience. The friend only has experience of being a birthing partner. So it’s something they both experienced and he wondered about the differences.

Being bothered that he didn’t also speak about your experience is a bit odd. I get that birth is far more difficult for the mother, I have done it twice. But that doesn’t mean partners can’t talk about their experience of it without having to keep referencing their partner.

It’s really ok for people to talk about their own experience of anything without including other people.

Ariona · 25/02/2024 08:11

People really look for issues where there are none!

oldagegoth · 25/02/2024 08:13

Not weird at all. He answered based on his experience as requested. If I'd have been in the room for that conversation I'd probably have made a jokey comment at the end of the exchange about my part but wouldn't occur to me to feel put out by it.

WaltzingWaters · 25/02/2024 08:13

It was a bit thoughtless to not mention your difficulties at all - especially the hospital stay with no visitors and a newborn. But he was answering his friends question about what it was like for him. I think as long as he’s not self centred and helps out generally I wouldn’t think too much of it.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 25/02/2024 08:15

Alwaystransforming · 25/02/2024 08:11

Yabu. The question was how your partner found a birth during lockdown. Not how you found it.

I read it as the friend is a man since you reference lad trips. He was asking his friend about his experience. The friend only has experience of being a birthing partner. So it’s something they both experienced and he wondered about the differences.

Being bothered that he didn’t also speak about your experience is a bit odd. I get that birth is far more difficult for the mother, I have done it twice. But that doesn’t mean partners can’t talk about their experience of it without having to keep referencing their partner.

It’s really ok for people to talk about their own experience of anything without including other people.

Said so succinctly I'll just repost!

Happytimes123456 · 25/02/2024 08:15

I don't see a problem. The question was about how it was having the baby during covid times.... not about the actual birth.

Janetime · 25/02/2024 08:15

Goodness op. The question wasn’t how was it for you. And I think it’s absolutely fine for someone to ask how it was for him, and for him to answer, he matters too.

BounceHighBaby · 25/02/2024 08:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/02/2024 08:22

What was the question? “You” is often ambiguous, could have meant him or the couple/family. It does sound very selfish of him. How would he feel if the tale of his grumbling appendix/broken leg/burnt hand was all about how tricky it was for you to park the car and how you missed your tea?

IncognitoUsername · 25/02/2024 08:22

He was asked a question about himself and he answered it with reference to himself. I would have found it more upsetting if my DH had started telling a male friend all the gory details of me giving birth - v similar to your own experience.

SaltySoo · 25/02/2024 08:29

I would have assumed the friend meant beyond the chairs being uncomfortable.

No, I would not have experienced the conversation to be turned to how it was worse for the woman.