To find what my partner said weird?

[Muddling247]

So just for context, me and DH were out with a mutual friend, originally a group school friend of mine but overtime would say him and DH are closer (occasional message, annual “lads” catch up type thing)

So conversation came round to children, friend has just had a DS (5 months) and we have 2 DC. I’d asked what hospital they were born in. It was mentioned that eldest was born during lockdown and friend asked my partner what that was like for him.

What followed was my partners quite lengthy response of what that was like for him (chairs uncomfortable, no bed, wasn’t able to go to get food) in which he made
no reference to me or the fact that maybe it was slightly tougher for me

So my question is AIBU to have found this weird? I genuinely wasn’t expecting him to go into detail or make it all about me and appreciate that the friend asked him “how was that for you?” but it did feel weird that at no point was there even a “but it must have been hard for X as well” or “X wasn’t exactly having fun either”

I mentioned it after and he doubled down saying that it was his friend asking him a question and he would do the same again.
I said fair enough if I wasn’t sat there having to hear him talking about uncomfortable chairs when I was going through something pretty traumatic

Summary of birth experience if it helps (emergency induction, complications, emergency c section, baby in NICU and 5 day hospital stay with no visitors and substandard care)

So I’m genuinely interested - AIBU?

my dh still goes on about how he had to run for the bus and broke his glasses, in order to get to the hospital where i was giving birth!

YABU. This man was asking your friend about HIS experience. Yes you went through more but that doesn’t mean him and his experience is invalid.

Some men are thoughtless and make it all about them.. my husband was like that when we had our dog put down. Everyone we spoke to about it would have thought I wasn't even there when it happened the way he spoke. I ended up breaking down and having a go at him after the umpteenth person he told was left seeming to think I didn't have anything to do with my dog or her euphenasia and wasn't upset in the slightest

In English. When you ask someone directly a question refering to them as you, it is not ambiguous. It means that individual. The English language is hard though when it’s not your first language and there are nuances, but in this context it isn’t one of them. x

Sounds like man-talk to me. And the fact that it came as a surprise after a couple of years would imply he sucked it up and got on with it at the time and concentrated on the important stuff.

I wouldn't have an issue with this.

I think that’s quite nice. My birth is well documented, everyone asks the mother how the birth was.

I don’t think anyone asked my husband his experiences of a lockdown birth. Sounds like he’s a good friend. If someone asked a question specifically to my husband about his experience of something I wouldn’t expect me to be in it and if I was I’d think he was trying to deflect the question!!

Chairs uncomfortable & no bed?

Isn't that standard for the birthing partner?

YABU. The friend was asking a question from one birthing partner to another. You are massively overthinking this

Thank you all for your thoughts on this. It’s interesting how many people jump to some big conclusions but I’ve read enough AIBU posts to have expected this to some degree.

The friend seemed to be asking specifically about the experience of being in hospital/giving birth during co-vid. So yes my partners experience was valid and we’ve spoken about it many times since and I’ve empathised about having to wait at home and not being able to do anything in that time

I really didn’t expect him to have made it about me or go into details but more just an “us” or “it was tough in different ways”. I would usually do this when talking about a shared experience so maybe I’m putting my expectations on others and I think I felt completely written out of the narrative and it made me feel slightly odd

He's answered the question given

It wasn’t a surprise, I’ve heard him talking about having no bed and how I napped (after 36 hours of induction and c-sec) many times and it doesn’t really bother me usually. Good question why this time was any different, something for me to think about

He was being a selfish twat. How ignorant of him.

Lol I think this was what made it seem weird, he spoke more about very practical things when talking about a traumatic time.

Ive reflected maybe he get a bit uncomfortable about what to say so not reading too much into it

YABU

He was asked a question about something he experienced

How self absorbed do you have to be to get annoyed about this

Yes your DH was asked a question about his experience specifically so he did no wrong by focusing on himself in the answer.

But I hope my DH would have something a bit more profound to say about the birth experience than the usual uncomfortable chairs/horrible hospital food cliches. So YANBU to be disappointed in his answer.

Could be that he just didn’t want to share his actual feelings over casual drinks with friends which is valid but I can see where you’re coming from.

If someone asked dh what was it like having a baby in lockdown - him specifically he'd have spoken about how weird it was dropping me to be induced and leaving me. How he didn't want to go far from the hospital because he'd be called for labour. He'd have talked about the logistics of finding a bathroom and where to eat. He'd have told them how when he got the call he was ready to run. He'd have talked about meeting our son with a mask on and only taking it off for the first time when we were left alone. He would have highlighted differences from the others birth from purely a covid perspective.

But he wasn’t talking about your shared experience as in the experience you and him shared.

He was talking to his friend. They have a shared experience and he was asked about experiencing it during Covid.

If DH had started talking about me I would have been very uncomfortable. Who is he to say how you felt about it? He answered how it was for him and like most men he answered with the practicalities rather than the emotions.

I wasn’t annoyed, it just made me feel strange. I’m not sure that’s the same thing?

Sounds like a drama over nothing. He was asked his opinion and he answered the question.

If he’s normally caring I would give him a pass. But I don’t understand the comments calling OP self-centred for expecting to figure in his answer. I would want my partner to mention something about thoughts about me or supporting me in that situation as a pretty central aspect of his own experience, more than the chairs…

OP I get it. I had an ex like this, whenever he described situations that involved both of us he always focused mainly on himself. Like I didn’t exist or me being there didn’t matter. It always rubbed me the wrong way. However if it had only been a one off it wouldn’t have bothered me in the least. So if your dh doesn’t make a habit of doing this then you shouldn’t focus on it.

I'd be very surprised if the friend actually meant "you" in the singular sense and I can't imagine he wanted to hear how comfortable the chairs were. I am sure anyone asking this question would mean "how was it for you both".

As he had become a new parent just 5 months ago, I expect to wanted to compare experiences between a Covid and non-Covid birth. Things like wearing a mask to meet the new baby for example and not whether Costa Coffee was open.

Men are wonderful at making everything all about themselves, especially their hardships. Sounds like your partner is no exception OP.

The question was asked ti him and aimed at him. Please remember that a lot of dads go through huge emotions during the birth process and are expected to just suck it up because mum has it harder’. But that does not mean that the dad’s feelings are zero or insignificant. They are somewhat forgotten and if they voice their concerns, they are dismissed as being pathetic or selfish. Birth is (and rightly so) about the mother. It is one thing that women own. But don’t underestimate what a loving dad can go through (even if you went through worse).

Don’t expect many to understand that.