Newborn feeding, DP OCD?

[newtiredmumma]

NC'd for this. Am I the one being unreasonable here? DP has some very strong opinions; glass bottles only not plastic, no dummy, against formula and only wants BF for at least approx 6 months, general OCD for hygiene (doesn't like baby being held even by family and close friends, constantly questioning hand washing etc).

I have been EBF newborn however due to having some pain after the feeding all day and baby having weight issues early on I am now giving 1-2 formula feeds a day to top up which DP doesn't particularly like. I bought a manual breast pump and expressed enough to take a bottle with us when we were going out, but because he hadn't washed and sterilised the new pump and bottle I used he tipped the BM down the sink and said he didn't trust me doing it. I'd washed and sterilised it all myself and was actually organised for our few hours out, I clearly have my DC as my top priority and wouldn't risk them becoming ill so it turned into a huge argument. Finding it all very overwhelming with DPs wishes and constant questioning along with being a new mum. Not sure what I'm really asking but feeling the need to rant!

Speak to your public health nurse. Ask them to come over and speak to your dp. I find his behaviour really controlling and concerning. Was he like this in other ways before dc?

He tipped your EBM down the sink????!! Has he always been a controlling arsehole?

Him pouring your breast milk away is absolutely disgusting.

Speak to your health visitor and ask her to come over and speak to him directly. He clearly doesn't respect you enough to listen to you and hopefully hearing the facts from a professional will humble him.

Long term consider whether you want to be with someone so controlling and frankly nasty.

Sorry you're going through this

If this genuinely is OCD (which is a serious disorder and not just being a clean freak) then he needs mental health support.

If he's just fussy and controlling then he needs to know he's completely out of order.

Either way, it's concerning and you have a small baby to care for so he can't be your priority right now.

I would consider leaving a man who threw EBM away.
Doesn't he know how much effort goes in to collecting it?

Pumping is extremely hard work and you’re an adult who can be trusted to wash something properly. I’d have lost my absolute shit at him!

He needs immediate help from his GP, like Monday, as he’s clearly not well. And he needs to fuck off till then either trying to dictate what you do with your own body, or undermining you in how you care for your baby. Raise merry hell so he takes you seriously. If he doesn’t knock it off he needs to leave, at least for a bit. Shocking. I’m so sorry.

That’s not I’m wondering and it’s not the most helpful thing to say given what she’s dealing with as an exhausted hen picked new mum. Pick your moment.

Sleeping with the enemy!!! Take care.x

I know it sounds cliche but no he wasn't like this before. I understand he wants to protect DC but I also see some of his wishes are completely delusional. I was so angry with him tipping the milk away, which is where the argument turned heated.

I gasped at pouring liquid gold down the drain.

Agree that if he’s truly struggling with MH, then he needs help. If he’s just being a gobshite, he needs his head wobbling.

And he doesn’t get any say in whether or not you choose to help yourself with formula top ups. BF is hard enough and it’s 100% your decision.

Wow. U oh need to get away from him.

I've picked my moment and this is it.

You may not think it's helpful (although I'm not sure why) but the OP needs to realise this man does NOT own her body.

You say he is against formula feeding, what if you had to stop BF for medication or if you were ill, what do you do, get more ill or not take the medication? As for a dummy,, doesn't he realise they reduce the chances of SIDS?

Speak to your midwife or HV, if he won't change, I would ask him to leave.

He had no right to tip anything away that's come from YOUR body.

Op. Some perinatal mental health teams will see new dads and take self referrals, and many IAPT/primary care talking therapies will prioritize postnatal care. If not previously controlling (and taking it from your own posts that you’re describing him as highly anxious), I’d be asking him if he’d seek urgent help. It may be his baby - but as you say it’s also your child and your body and seems like he can’t process that right now. Sounds really tough for you. Have you anyone in really life you can talk to about how he is being? I can imagine it’s putting you under huge pressure as a new mom. YANBU.

Oh, op that’s a difficult situation for you to have to deal with after having a new baby. I hope you’re holding up.

Yikes. Yeah, he needs help. I think he deserves some understanding and patience in the same way a new mother would deserve such treatment. However, this only comes if he’s going to help himself. It’s not acceptable that he poured perfectly good breastmilk away…it’s especially worrying that he doesn’t seem to trust you with the sterilising. You don’t need that kind of anxiety put on you either. I’m sure you’re doing a great job, so please don’t allow his anxiety to put you down.

I do think you need to put him under pressure to get therapy (for your benefit if anything!).

I think I would have murdered anyone that tipped my EBM away!!

Too sterile an environment can be harmful

I’d have been furious about the tipping away of milk. He knows your boobs aren’t sterile, right? As I recall, formula is more risky than breast milk. I don’t know whether he needs education or therapy or both.

I’m not keen on dads having strong opinions about baby feeding until they are able to do the work.

Thanks to all for the advice given, it's very overwhelming and with baby's weight issues and really pushing myself to get their weight up and trying to get the hang of BF whilst recovering from the birth and episiotomy has been tough, his anxiety isn't helping but I will try to speak to him, without him shutting down, about getting some help with his MH

Sounds really tough. Have you got support. Can you get his and your mum’s on board to help. Sorry if you can’t get help. Sisters ?

Good luck OP and if he doesn't want to get help or denies he needs any, just tell him that's fine but he has no right to let it affect you.

You have enough to deal with right now, without his issues too

I can't believe he threw away your breastmilk. That's really not ok. He's taken his obsession too far, I'd say he's got so confused he's not really well enough to look after your baby.

Is there any way you can take your baby elsewhere for a break from him?

I'm so so angry for you that he threw your breastmilk away, can't get over that.

Even IF for some reason you felt the EBM wasn't ok for the baby to drink (not applicable in this case, I mean if it was over a week old etc), it can be used in baby's bathwater, for nappy rash, etc etc.

That stuff is seriously precious