He's buying a house in another country. AIBU?

Ana25 · 2024-02-24T23:48:24+00:00

I've been dating a man for a short time, 4 months, but it's going very well so far. I'm 32, he's 31, and we've expressed a desire to marry and have children (in general life terms) I own my own home and he rents. Due to his work, which has involved a lot of moving around, he is often based on city jobs including at the moment. His current contract is in a UK city for 3 years. But he grew up rurally in another European country and prefers countryside. So he told me quite early on he was planning to buy a holiday home in his home country this year, where he could work remotely sometimes and has suggested I could also do this if we keep dating (my job is mostly remote). The house is half the price of what I paid in the UK but very spacious. The thing is - if we get serious and actually want to have kids etc how does it make sense for him to have bought a home in another country? Does he just want to rent forever here? It's far too early for me to give my 2 cents but would you also be thinking, hang on a minute, this seems very odd...

Original poster

Ana25 · 24/02/2024 23:54

Alright give it to me straight the YABUs - why am I unreasonable?

OP posts:

LizFromMotherland · 24/02/2024 23:57

It makes sense to him because he'd probably rather have kids and raise them in his country.

It sounds like you two probably want different things?

Moosegooseontheloose · 25/02/2024 00:00

You’re thinking too far ahead. It’s only been 4 months. You both want to marry and have kids but not necessarily with each other.

For now just relax and enjoy your relationship and let it evolve.

You sound a bit desperate to marry/ have kids and that could turn him off.

Appleblum · 25/02/2024 00:00

He can always buy another one here in future if there's a need.

Lollypop701 · 25/02/2024 00:00

He wants to go home eventually..which is fine. Butcif you don’t move on.

Original poster

Ana25 · 25/02/2024 00:01

@LizFromMotherland he said he might want to return someday but didn't say he was set on it.

For the record, I've lived in 3 countries and am open to the idea. But I'd rather start from a point where we are both open minded and not set on a place.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ana25 · 25/02/2024 00:04

@Moosegooseontheloose I'm actually not desperate to marry and have kids. He knows for sure he wants kids and I'm open to it with the right guy.

But I'll be 33 this year and I wouldn't get serious with someone who is dead set on going back to their country.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ana25 · 25/02/2024 00:05

@Appleblum yes a part of me wonders if he has enough savings for two houses.

As I said,the house he's buying is half the price of mine which is average for UK. I suppose he might have enough to buy two - I don't know.

OP posts:

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 25/02/2024 00:07

Id problem be considering if our future plans may align but at just 4 months in he shouldn't be making life changing decisions because your relationship may work out. Maybe he wants to be able to retire there some day. You could both always sell and buy somewhere together. Talk to him, maybe he's set on raising a family there and maybe he's not, you won't know unless you talk to him about it.

TummyTuckNameChange · 25/02/2024 00:12

Moosegooseontheloose · 25/02/2024 00:00

You’re thinking too far ahead. It’s only been 4 months. You both want to marry and have kids but not necessarily with each other.

For now just relax and enjoy your relationship and let it evolve.

You sound a bit desperate to marry/ have kids and that could turn him off.

Not good advice. Relax into a relationship that may have no future? How much time do you give up to that when you're 32

PingvsPong · 25/02/2024 00:17

TummyTuckNameChange · 25/02/2024 00:12

Not good advice. Relax into a relationship that may have no future? How much time do you give up to that when you're 32

Edited

Show quote history

Agreed!

So many stories on here (and IRL) of men stringing women along. And then dumping them in their 40's, almost immediately marrying and reproducing with a much younger woman.
At the same time, if he planned to buy a holiday home in his home country, why should he change this because he met OP?

OP there's nothing stopping you from asking him about the holiday home purchase, as in why he's buying it, is it a good investment etc. At the same time, I think once you've been dating 6 months you should be clear about where you see this. What's your timeline for marriage and kids, how long are you prepared to wait?

Any man that's 'scared off' by this is too immature and doesn't understand female biology.

Original poster

Ana25 · 25/02/2024 00:24

Yeah that's how I feel @TummyTuckNameChange and @PingvsPong

I'm 32, if I want to have kids I don't have forever. I still have time but you have to be smart.

@PingvsPong I think I want to give the relationship a bit more time to develop and I think 6 months is a good amount of time. He's a pretty straight talking guy, so I hope he'd be straight with me about his timeline.

He also just floated the idea of me visiting his home country this summer and meeting his parents if I feel ready. Feel I need a bit more time, maybe by summer I'll be ready.

OP posts:

user1477391263 · 25/02/2024 00:34

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fsoc.2021.630558/full

Psychologists and those who study immigration sometimes talk about something called “the myth of return”; the belief that immigrants keep in their mind for decades that “I’ll go back to my own country some day.” Sometimes they do, of course. But even those who never go back often continue to keep a vague idea in their head that they will for a very very long time, sometimes resulting in a reluctance to make visible commitments to the new country such as buying a property there. I’m an immigrant myself. That moment when you eventually consciously think to yourself “Actually, I’ll probably live here for the rest of my life” is always a painful one in a way, even when you love your new country and don’t actually “want” to go back to the old one any more.

Early 30s is often the time when you are trying to sort this out in your head. It’s a weird age, because you’re not “young” any more, but you’ve only been “not-young” for a very short time so you’re still trying to get used to it, if you see what I mean. For the first time, middle age and old age and the long-term picture seem real.

As you are 32 and don’t have much time (I mean, you have years ahead of you to have children, but if you were to break up with him tomorrow, you would have to date again, find someone else, form a commitment, engagement, marriage, then TTC….), I think you need to have this out with him and force an answer. He may resist the conversation not because he does not care about you, but because he is struggling with a bunch of complex feelings where he is reluctant to embrace that word “forever” about his new country. Nevertheless, you’re entitled to a response.

“Take Me Back to My Homeland Dead or Alive!”: The Myth of Return Among London’s Turkish-Speaking Community

In classical diaspora literature, the “myth of return” has major significance. It is believed that the “myth of return” is embedded in the minds of immigrants from their arrival. This paper examines post-migration mobilities of the Turkish-speaking com...

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fsoc.2021.630558/full

pizzaHeart · 25/02/2024 00:37

It might make sense to him to have his own place there if he’s visiting often and prefer not to stay with his family. In some places it might be actually cheaper to have your own place then live in a hotel and staying with relatives is not always an option. If he has enough money for this and for building his life properly in UK - fair enough.
However it seems that he’s visiting more for pleasure than out of necessity ( e.g elderly parents). It might be indication that he does want to come back there at some point. It also might mean that he is not focused on settling in UK and ime it usually creates problems.
He either tells you what you want to hear ( from his point of view) or he lives in a completely fantasy world thinking that he can live in two countries at once especially with DC.
And before people will jump on me - he can live where he wants, it’s just the message he’s sending to OP about what he wants from life is quite confusing.

WallaceinAnderland · 25/02/2024 00:39

4 months! You're overthinking.

BobbyBiscuits · 25/02/2024 00:42

I don't really get the red flag of him buying somewhere there? Are you concerned about other issues? He has a home country and culture there. If you wanted to buy a place in a similar vein you wouldn't want him to think it weird surely? is he renting out or helping family. If it is no direct detriment to you..But if it's a deal breaker then you should talk openly about it now.

pizzaHeart · 25/02/2024 00:46

user1477391263 · 25/02/2024 00:34

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fsoc.2021.630558/full

Psychologists and those who study immigration sometimes talk about something called “the myth of return”; the belief that immigrants keep in their mind for decades that “I’ll go back to my own country some day.” Sometimes they do, of course. But even those who never go back often continue to keep a vague idea in their head that they will for a very very long time, sometimes resulting in a reluctance to make visible commitments to the new country such as buying a property there. I’m an immigrant myself. That moment when you eventually consciously think to yourself “Actually, I’ll probably live here for the rest of my life” is always a painful one in a way, even when you love your new country and don’t actually “want” to go back to the old one any more.

Early 30s is often the time when you are trying to sort this out in your head. It’s a weird age, because you’re not “young” any more, but you’ve only been “not-young” for a very short time so you’re still trying to get used to it, if you see what I mean. For the first time, middle age and old age and the long-term picture seem real.

As you are 32 and don’t have much time (I mean, you have years ahead of you to have children, but if you were to break up with him tomorrow, you would have to date again, find someone else, form a commitment, engagement, marriage, then TTC….), I think you need to have this out with him and force an answer. He may resist the conversation not because he does not care about you, but because he is struggling with a bunch of complex feelings where he is reluctant to embrace that word “forever” about his new country. Nevertheless, you’re entitled to a response.

I didn’t see this post as was writing mine but it completely makes sense for me. I didn’t feel comfortable for quite a while “to commit” to my forever life in UK and I knew a lot of friends who felt the same.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 25/02/2024 00:50

He's said it's a holiday home. I think four months in you just take it as read that's what it is, you either believe him or don't and do what you need to do accordingly.

Choux · 25/02/2024 00:50

Ana25 · 25/02/2024 00:05

@Appleblum yes a part of me wonders if he has enough savings for two houses.

As I said,the house he's buying is half the price of mine which is average for UK. I suppose he might have enough to buy two - I don't know.

Edited

Why would he need to buy two houses? If it works out with you he can just move into yours and then have his holiday home.

The thing that would bother me is that, if he has a home in his country of birth he is going to want to spend time there. It sounds like you like traveling but a chunk or your holiday will be spent in his country seeing his family and his friends which limits your ability to have other holidays / see more of the rest of the world.

And just because he can work there remotely doesn't mean you would be able to. My employer doesn't let us work remotely overseas and the country in question might not let British people work there without a visa.

Lots of Europeans come (came pre Brexit) to earn money on our higher wages to then go home with a nest egg to set them up for the future. Was that why he came over and why he is now buying a property there? Is it in a holiday location in that country or just near to his family?

PingvsPong · 25/02/2024 00:52

user1477391263 · 25/02/2024 00:34

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fsoc.2021.630558/full

Psychologists and those who study immigration sometimes talk about something called “the myth of return”; the belief that immigrants keep in their mind for decades that “I’ll go back to my own country some day.” Sometimes they do, of course. But even those who never go back often continue to keep a vague idea in their head that they will for a very very long time, sometimes resulting in a reluctance to make visible commitments to the new country such as buying a property there. I’m an immigrant myself. That moment when you eventually consciously think to yourself “Actually, I’ll probably live here for the rest of my life” is always a painful one in a way, even when you love your new country and don’t actually “want” to go back to the old one any more.

Early 30s is often the time when you are trying to sort this out in your head. It’s a weird age, because you’re not “young” any more, but you’ve only been “not-young” for a very short time so you’re still trying to get used to it, if you see what I mean. For the first time, middle age and old age and the long-term picture seem real.

As you are 32 and don’t have much time (I mean, you have years ahead of you to have children, but if you were to break up with him tomorrow, you would have to date again, find someone else, form a commitment, engagement, marriage, then TTC….), I think you need to have this out with him and force an answer. He may resist the conversation not because he does not care about you, but because he is struggling with a bunch of complex feelings where he is reluctant to embrace that word “forever” about his new country. Nevertheless, you’re entitled to a response.

@pizzaHeart Well I guess it depends on why you moved. Just my opinion.
I'm an economic migrant , financially savvy (so are most others I know) and we all bought UK property ASAP as it used to be a good investment. The UK property laws are very lenient towards foreigners and the rent would be a good income back in my home country. Plus buy a much bigger house when sold.

We're all professionals in global shortage professions so used to moving for work. Even with families. It's different if you're the sort who wants to erm 'build their life' in a single place. If we were that sort we wouldn't have left in the first place.

It's the same with this guy. He may have all the psychology, complex feelings blah2. Or he may just see this as a good investment. If the house is in a tourist destination it'll be a nice earner, plus he has a home to return to. Or as a PP said it's simply cheaper rather than paying for hotels etc.

My main worry was the visa but marrying my husband sorted that - if I lost my job I'd go onto a spouse visa then apply for ILR. Otherwise, I was saving like mad to buy a flat once I got permanent residency, live in it for a bit to build equity while I decided what to do.

Original poster

Ana25 · 25/02/2024 00:57

Ah you know something @pizzaHeart he actually did mention wanting a separate property to stay in when he visits family. So that must be part of it.

Currently I can work anywhere in Europe for you to a month, mandated by my boss. God knows the actual legality is, right now that's just his word! And has been for 2 years

He currently doesn't visit his home country more than twice a year (Christmas and summer), so I do wonder if he's planning to increase that. Suppose I need to ask!

OP posts:

TempleOfBloom · 25/02/2024 00:58

I presume he rents in the cities he works in, current 3 years in the UK, because he moves countries often for work.

So a holiday home in his home country seems a good way to put his money into property because wherever he works it is a holiday home.

How do you feel about the fact that he moves countries often for work, or would eventually prefer to live in the countryside?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2024 00:58

It's far too early for me to give my 2 cents

That's for sure, but you also don't have time to waste. If you want children you have to be clear on what you want and what he wants, and he needs to behave accordingly. Some posters may tell you there's no rush and you have years left to figure things out, but that's just not good advice. You need a considerable amount of time to get to know some and build a solid relationship before you even consider having children with them. You do not have time to fuck around.

PingvsPong · 25/02/2024 01:01

TempleOfBloom · 25/02/2024 00:58

I presume he rents in the cities he works in, current 3 years in the UK, because he moves countries often for work.

So a holiday home in his home country seems a good way to put his money into property because wherever he works it is a holiday home.

How do you feel about the fact that he moves countries often for work, or would eventually prefer to live in the countryside?

Wondering whether he even has permanent residency in the UK - if not buying here is impossible nobody will give him a mortgage unless he has a very large deposit.

Original poster

Ana25 · 25/02/2024 01:02

@TempleOfBloom I think that's something I need to figure out.

In theory, I've lived in other countries and am open to doing it again for the right guy. It could be an adventure.

Eventually wanting to live in the countryside or by the sea (we both like the latter as well), would be ok with me and preferable. The rural location he's looking at is an hour from a capital city I like.

OP posts: