To expect him not to eye somebody else up in front of me

[friendtodinosaurs]

For context, I've been in a previous relationship that ended with me finding out id been cheated on several times within the space of 3 years.

A few nights ago, my partner and I went into our nearest city for some drinks to celebrate a friend's promotion. We were all at a bar chatting - some had had more to drink than others. My OH whispered to a friend and visibly looked a very pretty girl (not one we knew) up and down in a very obvious way. I mentioned it in passing later on and the response I got was "I expect you do it all the time and I wouldn't make a deal out of it. I can't only be attracted to you, look at you".

AIBU to be upset about this? He's emphatically said he would never cheat on me and sober says he doesn't look at other people like that (??). He seems to have forgotten the whole conversation but it's burst my happy bubble. Am I being ridiculous?

What on earth is wrong with you? It's perfectly normal to be with someone who makes you feel like the most attractive person in the world - I'm sorry you have no one who does that for you.

OP, he sounds like a twat.

This is a weirdly nasty comment? OP literally said she doesn’t think that, but it’s disrespectful to ogle other people in front of your partner regardless. And then saying ‘look at you’ in a derogatory way is also mean. Not sure what your purpose is unless you’re enjoying sticking the knife in?

I can't only be attracted to you, look at you

It's over. There is no coming back from that. The rot will set in

Yeah the ‘look at you’ comment is just awful. That would be it for me.

What a nasty response. Did that make you feel good? Saying that to someone who is already feeling crap about themselves?

Yes there are men out there that make you feel like you are the most beautiful women on earth TO THEM. And only have eyes for you in your company, regardless of whether they are drunk or sober and tell you you are beautiful every day.

And OP deserves a man who makes her feel that way all the time.

He surely meant “I can’t be expected to only look at you” not “look at the state of you”. I just cannot believe a boyfriend of 3 years would mean the latter. 😳 If he did, then I don’t think there is any coming back from that and that is without even adding in the disrespectful looking other women up and down.

''I can't only be attracted to you, look at you".

What a fucking prince. Get him to fuck.

He actually said the words "Look at You"? I don't even know why you're discussing this on Mumsnet. Bags packed on the pavement and out of your life. No grovelling or snivelling his way back. That was so fucking insulting that words fail me. I feel so sorry for you.

He has insulted you to your face with the "look at you" comment. Would you speak to someone you love and respect like that?

Look at you comment...thatd be it.. relationship over for me
My ex stared women out...made me ill tbh. Then denied it... gaslighting. I said its disrespectful to me..and to the women...and was always younger women. I told him...like youd have a chance anyway lol. One of reasons i got rid of him

What he did was borderline - or actual - sexual harassment.

Some examples of sexual harassment would include:

• sexual comments, jokes or gestures
• staring or leering at your body

Followed by the "look at you" comment, which you seem to be sure was meant as an insult, it's all pretty grim.

I'm sorry you have found out who your man really is after three years, OP 😢
You deserve better.

He doesn’t respect you.

Nope. Take the trash out.

I totally agree with ubove poster it's totally Disrespectful behaviour

It will only get worse in some demeaning drip drip emotionally way that be your detriment unfortunately...

Do yourself a big favour

Ditch him

My ex used to do this all the time and it ruined my confidence. It's totally disrespectful and he would hate it if you were eyeing up some man in front of him.

Jesus, what’s the matter with you?

I couldn't forgive "look at you". I mean- the state of him! Cheek.

AIBU to be upset about this? He's emphatically said he would never cheat on me and sober says he doesn't look at other people like that (??). He seems to have forgotten the whole conversation but it's burst my happy bubble. Am I being ridiculous?

Of course he says the right things when he's sober. But the behaviour you witnessed is totally unacceptable and extremely disrespectful to you. Ditch him.

I wouldn't mind if my DH checked an obviously good looking woman out in my presence, he's only human after all. However I have noticed him doing this only once in our 17 years together.

What I WOULD mind is if he was obviously whispering to his mate about her and then looking at her. I feel that a man who speaks to his friends like "phwoar, check her out" has too much of the "lad" about him and is likely to cheat.

I mean I wouldn't be happy but to be honest, as a one off I don't think it's too bad. I can imagine a situation where I had a few drinks and was tipsy, a gorgeous man walks in (let's say a Tom Hardy lookalike) and I nudge a friend and say "Look at him!". I don't think it would name be an evil sleaze bag, unless I was constantly behaving like that.

And if your partner was unhappy about you doing this would you say that you can't be expected not to look at other men, 'look at you'?

I took that sentence to mean "I can't only be attracted to you or only look at you" rather than "Look at the state of you" type thing - but I could be wrong. It's not clear. Either way it's not great but I think we all accept that we'll still be attracted to others from time to time even when in a happy relationship.

Move on

its disrespectful an ex of mine used to do this and it really knocked my confidence I foolishly stayed with him too long

It's the 'look at you' that was disrespectful. Contemptuous, even.