AIBU to think you don’t have to invite everyone to everything?!

[Lolabear38]

Just that really. Amongst my group of friends if you try and arrange an activity with one person it always has to get opened up to everyone. Take today for example, I wanted to take my daughter to the cinema to watch a film she’s been wanting to watch for ages. My friend has a daughter around the same age and so I messaged her to see if they wanted to join us. The next thing I know she’s suggesting that we invite Other Friend (+children), who then suggests we invite other friend and before you know it, there are now 23 of us going to watch this film together. It makes things so complicated! There’s now a whole WhatsApp group been created just for the purpose of going to the bloody cinema. I get not wanting to leave anybody out, and I would never leave anybody out to be unkind. But does anyone else find that it’s impossible to do things in small groups anymore or is it just me?! This is just one example of many that I’ve noticed recently. It could well just be my group of friends! They’re all so wary of upsetting anyone or offending anyone that it seems we now have to invite everyone to everything!

And don’t even get me started on WhatsApp groups!

Well better that than the other way, but yes that does seem a bit mad.

Just go with your daughter to something like that, no need to mention it beforehand. It would drive me nuts 😂

Is it impacting you making arrangements? As in "lets put a vote to the group for which showing" then yes it would drive me mad.

But if your plans still stand and it's open invitation then I think just go with it, let whoever wants to join in. That sounds like fun really.

I think it's nice that you've got such a big social group. That's got to be lovely for the kids!

@Stupidliefromfriend today it hasn’t impacted arrangements as such, but the group is now blowing up with ‘where are you sitting? I prefer the back so shall we book all together?’ ‘Oh I need to be near an aisle so Thomas can get to the toilet’ type questions and someone else has just asked if anyone would be up for getting food after too. I’ve actually silenced the chat!

Previously it’s caused problems e.g I was meeting a friend for a coffee and more and more people kept getting added until the location and time had changed and it was no longer a casual coffee but a full on pub lunch. That was the straw that broke the camels back and started my frustration!

I just wouldn't mention it to be honest, I couldn't be bothered with all that faff. Do you have other friends you could go with, or take one of dd's friends, or go just the two of you?

What I tend to do is say ‘X and I are going to the 2.30 showing of Barbie today if anyone wants to join we’re sitting in A1 and A2’

Then you get to do it on your terms without it getting out of hand.

Yanbu, but tell the person/people you are inviting that it’s just you this time, no need for a full-scale productions. Some things are more fun with more people, but this all sounds unnecessarily complicated.

Yea I don’t get this. I know friend groups that are like this and it always seems like hard work. I think it’s nice to do things with different mixes of people, so long as there isn’t one person who is left out or malice behind people being left out.

Yeah it's annoying, for all the reasons you've said, and if it happens all the time with a particular person, I just stop inviting them out or accepting their invitations. I'm not a large crowd sort of person and much prefer socialising with just 1 or 2 others as your conversation can be more interesting. Otherwise it's just crowd control. Someone else always takes over plans, someone feels left out, it's just generally more tiring. It's more complicated to book a lunch taable for a large group than getting a spur of the moment table for 4 somewhere.

Just no.

What @GoingUpUpUp said. I totally know what you mean things just get out of hand and too big v quickly. Far easier to say" I'm going to watch X at 3.45pm with dd if anyone fancies joining us we'll see you there"
Fortunately my close friend group have v different interests so, for example, if I fancy seeing a band I know only friend A will be interested in joining me and the others wouldn't be offended by not being asked as not their bag. Eg I don't do musicals so if the other 5 go I don't care etc etc

I’d just say that we are going to the cinema at 2pm to watch whatever and will be sat near the front. If anyone wants to join, that’s great.

How about doing something with your daughter without telling anyone about it. Then they cant come with you.

YANBU. As long as it isn't one person being excluded etc

You have a big social circle, most of us don't! Honestly I don't know anyone with your predicament, I'm guessing you are very sociable! Be happy I'd love your problem (I've moved way too often)

Just take your daughter on your own sod going 23 strong to the cinema lol

Wow, that’s a bit ott for the pics! This would do my head in. I’m not a big group kinda person and love meeting friends 121 or at least in a smaller group. Most of my friends are the same so I’m sure yours will understand this. I think you just need to spell this out to the person you want to meet x

Because if I did this we wouldn’t get to do anything with friends. I don’t want to isolate ourselves, I just don’t want every outing to be a mass event.

Of course you would, just not this one thing. One solo trip with your daughter somewhere doesn't mean you will never get to do anything with your friends. I think it is this way of thinking which has made you/your friends turn every thing into a mass event.

Oh FGS the OP can invite a friend along to the cinema.

OP, you have my sympathy on this although it is hard to know how to manage it except by being crystal clear on what you will be doing and how you are doing it - and then others can join or not.

I don't understand this.

Surely you can go to the cinema with your DD and just meet up with everyone another day?

I would just go with my child next time
they do seem sweet to be fair - not wanting to leave others out

It's not difficult to understand. OP wants to see a movie and sees it as an opportunity to see one particular friend and give her daughter the opportunity to interact with friend's daughter.

She does not want this to turn into an event for a crowd of friends. Which is perfectly reasonable.

@Lolabear38 - suggest you book for yourself/daughter and friend/daughter, and if anyone else turns up, so be it. But best to be clearer about your intentions next time...

God that sounds both wonderful in some ways and exhausting in others. The coffee example being an exhausting one.

Firstly, will your DD be comfortable going 23 strong to the cinema? I don't know her age or anything. Some might find it daunting.

And in future for similar things like the coffee date I think you are going to have to get specific. Like 'Friend A fancy coming for a quick coffee and cake with me just the two of us. I just need a quiet break from the housework, DP, kids'.