AIBU to think you don’t have to invite everyone to everything?!

[Lolabear38]

Just that really. Amongst my group of friends if you try and arrange an activity with one person it always has to get opened up to everyone. Take today for example, I wanted to take my daughter to the cinema to watch a film she’s been wanting to watch for ages. My friend has a daughter around the same age and so I messaged her to see if they wanted to join us. The next thing I know she’s suggesting that we invite Other Friend (+children), who then suggests we invite other friend and before you know it, there are now 23 of us going to watch this film together. It makes things so complicated! There’s now a whole WhatsApp group been created just for the purpose of going to the bloody cinema. I get not wanting to leave anybody out, and I would never leave anybody out to be unkind. But does anyone else find that it’s impossible to do things in small groups anymore or is it just me?! This is just one example of many that I’ve noticed recently. It could well just be my group of friends! They’re all so wary of upsetting anyone or offending anyone that it seems we now have to invite everyone to everything!

It's not difficult to understand. OP wants to see a movie and sees it as an opportunity to see one particular friend and give her daughter the opportunity to interact with friend's daughter.

She does not want this to turn into an event for a crowd of friends. Which is perfectly reasonable.

Then why not say so at the time?

Larger group dynamics are different, and it's reasonable to want a quiet outing, sometimes.

You'll have to start telling the person you invite that you want to keep things small and simple this time, with just them and their kid(s). And then hope that everyone else is reasonable and not hurt they were 'left out'.

I'm somewhat puzzled as to why you left out the rest of my post.....

suggest you book for yourself/daughter and friend/daughter, and if anyone else turns up, so be it. But best to be clearer about your intentions next time.

Can't you do things with just your child? I never have this problem as I just take my child

As nice as it seems to have such a large group, this would drive me nuts. I enjoy 1:1 time with friends more than with a big group. And I'm wholeheartedly with you regarding What's App groups. I'm an independent thinker and they do my head in.

The point is I invited my friend and her dd because I thought it would be nice to go to the cinema with them. I wanted to go to the cinema with the two of them, not just me and my dd but also not with a big group of people. My whole AIBU was why I can’t just do this without other people feeling the need to invite everyone else we know!

@lifebeginsaftercoffee but by inviting just this friend, and not everyone else, surely I have basically said this? If I’d have wanted a big group to go I would have invited a big group. Also I’m not sure how I could make this clear at the time without saying something like ‘I want to go with you and dd, but nobody else. Don’t ask anyone else’ without it sounding pretty strange tbh.

I can, and do, do things with just my daughter. But I also like to socialise with other friends and see friends for a catch up/ play date. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to meet up with friends without it turning into a mass event? It’s really not unusual to want to meet up in a small group or 1:1 sometimes.

@Lolabear38 Well then just let whoever know that you want to keep it 1on1. Otherwise people might think it's a group thing and not want to leave anyone out.

Just say "thought me you and the girls could go out as a foursome to the cinema?"

How is going to the cinema once or sometimes with just your child isolating yourselves?

But did your child want to go with anyone else or just you?

As that group seem committed to only socialising as a whole group perhaps you could find a new friend/s (and keep her separate to the group) who you can do things with when you want simpler days out.

I t must be fun to sometimes have big gatherings, but like you, I wouldn’t want that every time I felt like some company.

I used to have a friend like this, if I suggested a coffee together at the weekend she’d immediately invite the rest of her circle & it would end up being a lunch in a fortnight’s time. (Neither of us has kids so that wasn’t a factor.)

We drifted apart in the end because while she was lovely, we weren’t close enough for me to keep making the effort when it was this complicated.

It’s herd instinct. Some people like doing everything in a pack. I don’t like it, much prefer meeting one or two friends for a jolly. I’m also old and becoming more antisocial. My teenage days of going out en masse with ‘the girls’ have long gone.

I'm usually up for group outings but that many people and a WhatsApp group is ridiculous. The only thing I can think is trying to be really specific next time.

Going once isn’t isolating ourselves. But in my op I was alluding to this happening often - not just today. The suggestion from a pp that my daughter and I just do things by ourselves isn’t going to help unless they meant always doing things alone - hence isolating ourselves.

Thanks for the reply. Some outings lend themselves to bigger groups, i.e a day at the beach, a picnic in the park etc in which case I’m more than happy for everyone to come. I’m also more than happy to socialise in a big group at other times, my AIBU was does it need to be all the time? Why feel the need to invite everyone to everything just in case someone feels offended at not being invited?

In my situation I don’t think it’s realistic to find another friend/s as I already live in a small town and I’ve known everyone years, but this is definitely a suggestion that could work for someone else.

God that’s so tedious. YANBU OP!