To be pissed off at DH

[UnderappreciatedSouls]

Hi, I apologise in advance for how this post may come across. My emotions are still running high.

I'm feeling underappreciated, as you can probably tell from my name. I think this has maybe been brewing for awhile, and this morning was the last straw.

We got up late, dc1 asked me to make homemade pancakes, and a cooked breakfast. I started it, and because it was late I asked for dh to give me a hand, and to please set the table numerous times.

My youngest was repeatedly asking if it was ready. I hear dh playing computer games and then helping my other dc with his game.

I asked again for help from dh to speed the process up, he huffed and puffed. I then twice asked had he given the dcs a smoothie, something small etc for now. He hadn't. He then gets that.

I ask again for a hand, he then loudly shouts: "there's no hurry!! I don't have to do it right now I have the children!" The youngest was sitting at the table repeatedly asking if it was ready. Dh was with dc1 who is 7, and the computer games. Dc1 runs in, not liking that he shouted, and asks if I'm okay, then goes back to game with dh.

I rush to get bfast done, spill the scrambled egg mixture, burn my hand and the pancakes. I cleaned up, redid the eggs, and finished, served it for my dcs sake. I then cleaned up, because at this point I had lost my appetite.

Dh had the audacity to blame dc1 for asking for help with his game. IMO he should have said "I have to help Mum in the kitchen, we will sort the games after breakfast.

They sit down, dh stares at his phone, dc1 (on spectrum) stares at computer, little one complaining about his ipad. The dcs to be fair were eating, and my oldest was lovely.

It is dh I am highly irritated with. It feels like I have a third child. I also don't like the person I am becoming because of that. I don't want to be a nagging dm.

It may also be useful to add that my dad passed away unexpected a few months ago. Maybe I am over reacting. I would really appreciate opinions on the situation. I am biased and could be being touchy, and bad tempered.

I am sorry for your loss op 💐

You are definitely justified feeling annoyed with your dh. So don’t doubt that. You are right saying he should have told your dc1 to wait and come to help with breakfast.

This is just one incident though, so what is the context here? Is this the straw that broke the camel’s back? Do you have to remind him all the time to help? If so YANBU and he needs a firm reminder not to be a bystander and his job is to take the initiative and step up. Some very clear communication is necessary here.

Thank you for your kind msg @Amugwithoutahandle

It has happened before unfortunately. I have sat down with dh, and hashed it out. He did try to make excuses, but eventually owned it. I have told him I cannot live with his random angry outbursts either, and won't have our dcs around it.
He has referred himself for therapy/anger manager. He is such a laid back kind of person usually, but randomly blows up, not violent but very loud shouting. I think my Dad dying has put a huge perspective on my life, and what doesn't make me happy.

Personally think dh keeping the dc amused while I made breakfast would be preferable.. 2 adults aren't needed to make food for 4 people ime.

Nobody in my house is getting a cooked breakfast and pancakes. It's cereal or nothing.

Why do you make so much work for yourself?

You made yourself an unnecessary amount of work with breakfast, toast or cereal is enough.

You should of just done toast or cereal, you made unnecessary work for yourself. Could of done a cooked one tomorrow.

You've made too much work for yourself, don't be a martyr.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sounds stressful. If it was me I would make a blanket rule no computers until after we've ate and everyone can help. I have 4 DC, 2 of them autistic, so I know how hard it is. Mine are older now but I had to be strick with my rules otherwise it would be mayhem. I also wouldn't allow screens at the table but that's my rules and everyone has a different set up. My 15 DS who's autistic, adhd and has touretts doesn't often eat with us as he finds it overwhelming so over the years I've adapted my rules.
I think if noone is prepared to help it should just be basic cereals for breakfast.
Regardless of your rules your husband isn't on the same page as you.

I agree with this.

It doesn’t take 2 people to make breakfast and maybe this would have been a lesson to your child who repeatedly sat demanding breakfast that things don’t happen by magic and a bit of patience is required if they want pancakes and a homecooked breakfast!

I admire your restraint in keeping your cool with the child who repeatedly asked if it was ready!

Oh, and I'm truly sorry for the loss of your dad.

What your DH should've done is dealt with the rude child repeatedly demanding food. I'm not sure why breakfast was such a rush or why there needed to be both pancakes and a cooked breakfast, one or the other is more than sufficient. If you didn't want to cook breakfast you should've said no and offered porridge/cereal/toast/yogurt/fruit etc which take very little input.
It seems like you've agreed to a ridiculous breakfast menu, put an arbitrary deadline on when it needs to be done and pandered to a child shouting the odds, then had a pop at yours husband for not getting on board with the plan.

It doesn’t take two adults to make breakfast, so based on this one incident, I am not really sure what the issue is. You don’t have to do a cooked breakfast because a child asks for it if you don’t want to.

What were you panicking for? It takes one to cook, the other keeps the children busy. It doesn't matter if it was a bit later. I think grief can make you more anxious about things though. You're not a cafe, pancakes to start and cooked breakfast for brunch.

Maybe lose the husband.
Funnily enough, the peace of mind compensates for going it alone, even with challenging kids.

Your DH was occupying the kids whilst you made breakfast. Fair enough.

If breakfast was too much for one person, then say no. Tell the kids it's cereal.

I'd be more pissed off with your DH and the kids on phones and screens whilst eating! I have a child on the spectrum but under no circumstances do people sit on their screens whilst at the table! That's SO RUDE!

I disagree with some of the replies. I would be pissed off too!
You and DH are a team, if you ask for his help then he should help and vice versa. If one parent is hitting their limit, the other should recognise it (especially if you are verbally expressing it) and lend a helping hand.

By cooking breakfast on a weekend you didn’t ‘take on too much’, it’s normal to do that in my circle. But sometimes things don’t go to plan and unexpectedly get out of hand. Your partner should be there is help if you ask for it. It’s ridiculous to think your 7 year old son needed his dad to help him play a video game when mum is having a mild breakdown in the kitchen.

You and your DH need to be a team. I say, when the kids are down to bed, get a bottle of wine, have a hug and just truthfully talk to him about how you guys need to have each others backs a bit more. Even if one is being over emotional or getting triggered. Help each other in the moment and then when all calm have a chat about it, apologise and hug it out.

This is normal but please don’t lower your expectations of your partner just because others have lower expectations for theirs x

How old are the kids? Are they old enough to set the table etc?
Why are you doing everything?

It's fine to ask DH to help, and expect him to help, instead of ignoring you.

It's fine to get the seven year old to lay the table. You didn't mention how old the youngest was but I'm sure they could help in some way too.

It's fine to say no screens before breakfast, or at the table. It's the best time to communicate and bond as a family.

You need new rules. But it is worrying that DC1 ran to check up on you when DH shouted. That is not normal.

Sorry, I missed the part about where he shouted at you! That isn’t normal and he should not be doing that. I mean being misaligned sometimes is normal. You just need to get back on the same page x

So sorry for your loss.

If you ask for help he should help, ask what needs doing.

Lovely that your eldest came and checked on you.

Can you access any counselling for your loss? As someone who lost their Mum suddenly a few years a go I do note that I bottle things up and can be really p'd off with H and then it comes out from me in a way like you never ask if I'm OK etc. And certain behaviours annoy me more than they ever used to.

Take care of yourself

In this scenario one parent would make breakfast and one would entertain kids. Why was there a rush, did you need to be somewhere? If you had to go out I'd have done a less complicated breakfast tbh.
And which ever parent cooked would manage kids after breakfast while the other washed up.

IME when a loved one dies it changes your perspective and things you were prepared to go along with or wanted to keep the peace about go out the window. I know there are people thinking I have had some kind of melt down since my mum died. In reality, I have no more patience for fuck wits and petty shit.

My main takeaway away from this was your eldest running in to check on you after his dad's angry outburst. 😔 Is he doing this regularly?

It's hard sometimes not to be frazzled by a child nattering away at you while you're mid task. Even more so if you can also at the same time hear another capable adult playing a video game instead of helping. 🙄

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. I think sometimes a big loss makes us aware of our own mortality and how we are living our lives too. Are you feeling generally unhappy op?

Maybe some counselling for yourself would be helpful, to discuss the loss of your dad and your feelings about your dynamics at home too.