To think I might have anger problems

[ohnowhatdidido]

As in the title really. I am wondering whether I may actually need some kind of therapy to control how I react when I get angry or upset.

A very long back story:
I have been married 3 years and known my husband for about 5 years in total. Sadly our relationship has recently become quite platonic. We had a baby a year ago and you might describe our relationship as simply 'parents'. We exist as parents but do absolutely nothing with each other and seem to have lost interest in it too ie. we barely notice we've stopped doing anything with each other. Anyway that's something I'll probably make another thread about...

Before I met my husband, I would have said I'm quite a chilled out person. My main interactions would have been with:
A) work - if I have any conflict at work I was usually too timid to actually stand my ground. To this day, if there's something I'm not happy about at work, I might voice my opinion but I don't know how to push my point and so I don't. And I don't like the feeling of confrontation or rocking the boat
B) friends - similar to work, my interactions with friends I steer away from conflict and might be described as the "people pleaser" friend. eg. Go along with an activity a friend wants to do that I have no interest in but won't say no because I don't want to upset them.
C) family - I lived with my parents and siblings. My parents were fairly strict (cultural) and controlling. If I got upset with my parents it would have been some kind of argument where I might scream at them and stomp off to my room to cry. Just writing that out feels embarrassing. But it was very much a parent-child dynamic in that home despite living there until my late 20s.

Fast forward to conflict with my husband:
I try really hard to not put the blame on him even if I feel like something is his fault. And I appreciate that in itself could be a problem that I don't see some issues as our problem together but something that he's doing wrong. I try and be even toned and calm and not shout. But then he will say something to really trigger me and it's like I explode.
I get very shouty, I don't let him speak, I speak over him, I tell him not to come near me because I don't want to be touched. I might scream. I'll stomp off in another room and scream into a pillow.

For example, last night:
I explained in a calm way that I feel like we aren't doing much as a couple. I spent maybe 20mins talking. He just listened. He then replied with how it's getting late and he has a meeting in the morning and the stuff in the washing machine needs hanging up. I felt a bit stung as I felt like I was speaking about a really important thing and he literally said nothing in response. So I said "yes, ok, I'll take the washing out" and I so I did the laundry and went up to bed but I was seething. He called out if everything was ok because I left so abruptly without saying goodnight and that made me snap. I started telling him to eff off and that he's either completely insensitive or on the spectrum. But I was screaming it repeatedly. That I literally spoke about us for him to completely ignore me and then ask me why I didn't say goodnight. He replied that he thought we'd pick it up in the morning because it was late. I said that he never even said that etc. I just stormed off again after that. But as I lay in bed, my head was almost ringing with anger and when I reached out to reposition our DC in her sleep, I couldn't really feel her if that makes sense. Like my senses felt numb.

My point is, this explosion of anger is something I really want to stop being like. My husband finds it "foul, vile and repulsive". He in general hates shouting and swearing. And that's what I'm naturally like when I get angry. And I would love to be more level headed when I am upset. Does it sound like I have anger issues? I am considering CBT.

It sounds like you might find conflict difficult.

When you spoke to your husband, it seems like you opened up and he didn't respond to you on an emotional level, or even in a neutral way, but just responded in a way that indicates that he wasn't prepared to engage with it,

Your anger might well be that you are upset with the situation, he didn't engage or even show he was listening, and so your emotion came out in other ways.

Having small children is draining on an emotional level. If you feel that you and your husband are a team then it's easier to get through, but if you are dismissed then it can feel very lonely.

In general do you feel connected with your emotions?

I wouldn't say you have anger issues. Based on your post I'd say you struggle to get your needs met, resentment builds so when you do address it you are frustrated. Also your husband's reaction was shit, he acted like he couldn't care less.

Could some counselling help? Give you a place to explore your feelings and become more connected with what you want.

It sounds as though you need help in this area. You don't react like this to others, so on some level you can control it. Screaming and shouting and not letting someone speak is abusive and repugnant behaviour. That would be my worst nightmare.

If my OH had a 20 minute serious talk with/at me late at night, I probably would switch off too. He may have not wanted to respond and say the wrong thing that set you off if you overreact like this a lot or maybe he was just tired?

If you feel that he is often doing and saying the wrong thing (which is your perception only) then maybe you should also have couples counselling. We found having occasional but regular child-free times together beneficial.

Having a young child/children is a stressful time but that doesn't mean this type of behaviour is acceptable - it's not.

Your poll is probably going to give mixed messages as some posters will respond to your question does it sound like I have anger issues? and others to your behaviour towards your husband.

”I started telling him to eff off and that he's either completely insensitive or on the spectrum. But I was screaming it repeatedly”. No, it’s not a normal reaction and that’s putting it mildly.

If this were a man screeching this at a woman the responses would be, that’s abuse - LTB.

Is this taking place around your DC? Do you have neighbours that can hear all this?

It could be anger, it could be depression. I’d see a G.P and see what they suggest. It’s not healthy for you or those around you to behave like this. If your husband is the trigger then perhaps you aren’t right together, he’s not/unable/unwilling to address your marital issues- though if someone gave me a 20 min speech at bedtime I’d be very tired, and might react the same way or say let’s talk tomorrow, it’s late. Would you act like this in public or only in front of your DH? That answer alone will tell you a lot.

Yes it sounds to me like anger issues. I would leave a relationship with someone acting like this, especially with a child present. So yes you need some sort of therapy.

A couple of things stood out from your post. You've not been able to express your needs in childhood and now you are perhaps stuck in a pattern where you don't as an adult and it builds up and up until you explode?

Are you able to access therapy? It is expensive and may be out of reach but if you have spare income it's something I'd absolutely prioritise. The work would be about creating new, small ways to practice articulating your needs. Part of this would be spotting the good moments to chat w your DH (not late). In your post you realise it's not ok to shout at him, and the emphasis now should be on not getting to that point.

Good luck, there is life after people pleasing. Do remember that life with a baby is so, so hard in many respects and does get easier. Lower your expectations on all fronts and be kind to yourself.

You completely over react because there is something triggering you.
it could be from when you were younger?

There’s a good book called ‘The invisible Lion’ it’s all about your nervous system over reacting like this, it might be worth a read, it sounds good.

All the best x

Can you try couples counselling, you sound like you've got a lot of pent up annoyance, and when your dh doesn't meet your needs you explode. Add that to the trials of being tired with children means your anger needs to go somewhere

And you would be overreacting. Life has stress points. When one partner reaches a terminal point you don't just bail. If it's an ongoing pattern of behaviour you would but if it's out of character and related to an external circumstance (new parenthood, for example) then you figure out what is going on and seek help. If you bail whenever someone behaves inappropriately you'll never have any sort of ltr. Life is not consistent or easy.

If it's an ongoing pattern of behaviour you would

It is an ongoing pattern, the OP literally says this is how she reacts with her DH. Just because you would tolerate that doesn't mean we all should. In my relationship we talk like grown ups, not shout, stop off and scream into pillows.

I've had two relationships where my partner has 'talked at' me for long periods of time to get their point across. I react as your dh did as by that point I feel crap and just want to get away. Being then shouted at would be the last straw.

Have you apologised?

I have apologised, yes @TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta

I feel rubbish for reacting like that. And at the same time I feel like I try really hard to have calm conversations with him but he never gets it. I'm not saying this to justify my reaction but just how I get to that point. I try really hard to not be like this in front of DC and always ask DH if we can have a triggering conversation later if I can feel myself getting upset.

If you're anything like me OP, you have post natal anxiety. Some women power through the first year after having a baby and then post natal anxiety or depression hits them full on.

If your husband is generally lovely and helpful you need to talk to carve out some time for you both to reconnect. You have to remember that he's not doing anything wrong and you're both finding things hard. Try to organise some child-free time to go and do things you used to enjoy doing together.

If you're really struggling, talk to your GP.

I feel for you. I can be very calm and passive, like I'm doing things for the other person and being 'nice', but then if I want or need something and it gets ignored, I suddenly feel a rage!
Like, how can you ignore this? Why do I feel the need to shout, cry etc. I've managed to curtail it just about. I try to see it as less of a slight against me personally and more of their way of dealing with the situation. I still feel angry but manage not to yell out etc. It's difficult but you don't have anger issues, you have emotional issues like most of us.

I think people seem to have missed the bits about 'the relationship is platonic now' and 'he never gets it'...

I would say you sound like a decent human being who has just reached a breaking point where she is struggling with a relationship that is simply no longer working and meeting her needs.

Women are conditioned to bottle up their feelings, especially anger, and to always blame themselves when something isn't right.

Frankly if your husband has not responded to you calmly expressing your feelings and you are living in a relationship with no intimacy and have the responsibilities of a young child, of course you are going to get massively stressed out and eventually blow up!

At this point I would have a serious conversation with your husband and make it clear that you are unhappy and that things need to change.

If he still ignores you I am afraid you have to look at whether you would be better off and back to your old chilled self without him around.

I could've written this OP.

I had a same dynamic in my family growing up and in my marriage.

You are not getting your needs met. It's not you or your DH at fault. You probably have different attachment styles.

Look up childhood emotional neglect. A lot of things fell into place when I read about this. Unfortunately I could not make my marriage work and I'm now separated but feel a lot calmer.

CBT may help you. Ime marriage counselling was not effective.

I abhor this kind of response. It’s always the man’s fault. But if your husband behaved as you do the exact same poster would be saying he’s abusive and leave him. Women are never responsible for their actions op, didn’t you know?

it’s the language of abusers. He or she made me do it.

op, at least you recognise the issue. And yes you have anger management issues. You need to seek support to manage this, as children as they age, become very trying indeed. So recognising it now and developing the tools to manage your anger is critical.

Yes, it appears as if you do have some problems with anger and ignorance that you need to address.

Using ‘on the spectrum’ as an insult is appalling btw.

@Janetime totally agree

OP, you have identified a problem. That's the first step. Yes, seek help to learn hiw regulate your emotions

It sounds as if your level of frustration is super high , if you’re DP isn’t engaged in any conversation to address your joint issues
it’s pushing your over the edge
I was with my ex for 27 years he refused to discuss anything, I was met with the the silent treatment and he said he didn’t understand
it was in my head etc
it used to make me so angry
I finally got free of him and lots of therapy and
help I now know I was living with a covert narcissist, coercive control was his speciality
and refusal to to make joint decisions or discuss anything was part of it
have a good look at your relationship , sounds as if it may of run it’s course, if you aren’t
lovers or close friends, something is wrong
mum not surprised you’re angry!
find your peace
good luck

@Janetime
''I abhor this kind of response. It’s always the man’s fault''

And I 'abhor' the 'whatabout the men' kind of response that always imply that men can't do no wrong and women should just smile and put up with it.

The OP has spoken to her partner. He is not listening and nothing changes.

Raise your standards if you think that women should be happy to be with someone who is not willing to have a dialogue and with no intimacy and to just to let her frustrations build up to the point where she has to deal with being angry and they blame themselves for it.

The OP is not a sex pest or an abuser, she is just someone who is fed up with not being listened to and carry all the stress.

There is some back story there and I didn't mean it as an insult. But it did come out horribly.

I suspect my husband is very much on the spectrum. He denies is completely. But I feel like it would explain so much of his "cold" behaviour, or he can come across as insensitive or blunt. Last time we had that conversation, I said I'd let him know the next time he did something that made me feel like he might be. He says he's just logical and rational. So after that happened that evening, I was like that's either you being insensitive or that's part of something else.

I had an ex like this. Things really weren’t right in the relationship for a number of reasons, I’d collect myself and prepare to discuss them and because I was calm and reasoned he would never think that they were a big deal. Every so often I would end up exploding with anger and he would then express surprise that it meant so much to me and upset that I got angry. I would then end up feeling guilty-thinking it was my problem because I got angry.

It was never my problem-I got angry because when I was calm he would be dismissive and not think the issues were that big a deal.

Your anger may have made him uncomfortable. But you tried to express yourself without it and he shut you down. Personally this relationship sounds dead to me, but if you want to save it I would suggest to him that you have counselling together. When you express your needs in a way that doesn’t challenge him then he feels able to ignore you, when you then push back he shuts you down because you are angry- you need a third party to navigate a way for you to express what you need without him feeling justified in shutting you down.

Hmmmm, would suspecting and telling you that you must have psychopathic traits because of your anger issues and aggressive behaviour be appropriate?

Not really.

Being logical / rational / insensitive/ ‘cold’ / blunt are not traits exclusive to autism. I do wish people would stop labelling any behaviours they perceive as negative as autistic.

What total and utter tripe. So she is frustrated and unsatisfied in a relationship, attempts to discuss it with him and he walks away and shuts down communication. She doesn’t have anger issues, she’s fucking human. What is she supposed to do when he refuses to engage? Knuckle down like a good little wifey and keep putting up with a situation that makes her miserable?

Everyone gets angry, it is completely normal and healthy. Anger issues are when someone has a disproportionate response or can’t express themselves without anger. The very fact that the OP had already tried to speak with him proves that she doesn’t have a problem.