To think I might have anger problems

[ohnowhatdidido]

As in the title really. I am wondering whether I may actually need some kind of therapy to control how I react when I get angry or upset.

A very long back story:
I have been married 3 years and known my husband for about 5 years in total. Sadly our relationship has recently become quite platonic. We had a baby a year ago and you might describe our relationship as simply 'parents'. We exist as parents but do absolutely nothing with each other and seem to have lost interest in it too ie. we barely notice we've stopped doing anything with each other. Anyway that's something I'll probably make another thread about...

Before I met my husband, I would have said I'm quite a chilled out person. My main interactions would have been with:
A) work - if I have any conflict at work I was usually too timid to actually stand my ground. To this day, if there's something I'm not happy about at work, I might voice my opinion but I don't know how to push my point and so I don't. And I don't like the feeling of confrontation or rocking the boat
B) friends - similar to work, my interactions with friends I steer away from conflict and might be described as the "people pleaser" friend. eg. Go along with an activity a friend wants to do that I have no interest in but won't say no because I don't want to upset them.
C) family - I lived with my parents and siblings. My parents were fairly strict (cultural) and controlling. If I got upset with my parents it would have been some kind of argument where I might scream at them and stomp off to my room to cry. Just writing that out feels embarrassing. But it was very much a parent-child dynamic in that home despite living there until my late 20s.

Fast forward to conflict with my husband:
I try really hard to not put the blame on him even if I feel like something is his fault. And I appreciate that in itself could be a problem that I don't see some issues as our problem together but something that he's doing wrong. I try and be even toned and calm and not shout. But then he will say something to really trigger me and it's like I explode.
I get very shouty, I don't let him speak, I speak over him, I tell him not to come near me because I don't want to be touched. I might scream. I'll stomp off in another room and scream into a pillow.

For example, last night:
I explained in a calm way that I feel like we aren't doing much as a couple. I spent maybe 20mins talking. He just listened. He then replied with how it's getting late and he has a meeting in the morning and the stuff in the washing machine needs hanging up. I felt a bit stung as I felt like I was speaking about a really important thing and he literally said nothing in response. So I said "yes, ok, I'll take the washing out" and I so I did the laundry and went up to bed but I was seething. He called out if everything was ok because I left so abruptly without saying goodnight and that made me snap. I started telling him to eff off and that he's either completely insensitive or on the spectrum. But I was screaming it repeatedly. That I literally spoke about us for him to completely ignore me and then ask me why I didn't say goodnight. He replied that he thought we'd pick it up in the morning because it was late. I said that he never even said that etc. I just stormed off again after that. But as I lay in bed, my head was almost ringing with anger and when I reached out to reposition our DC in her sleep, I couldn't really feel her if that makes sense. Like my senses felt numb.

My point is, this explosion of anger is something I really want to stop being like. My husband finds it "foul, vile and repulsive". He in general hates shouting and swearing. And that's what I'm naturally like when I get angry. And I would love to be more level headed when I am upset. Does it sound like I have anger issues? I am considering CBT.

My 2 cents not knowing the back story.

"I explained in a calm way that I feel like we aren't doing much as a couple. I spent maybe 20mins talking. He just listened"

You spent 20 minutes talking 'at' your husband.
That's a rant not a conversation. Did you invite him to speak?

Was it like this:
He sat there, maybe saying to himself 'she's ambushed me. She's on one of her agendas now. This is her agenda for me. I don't really know how to respond. I'm not sure what she's asking me. She has really invited me to have a conversation, she's sat me down and given me a 'talking to' then she demands I have answers to make her life the way her inner critic has told her it 'should' be. No matter what I say it probably won't be the right answer, because it's a trick question to get me to say she's right and I'm always doing things wrong. Sometimes it seems she's angry and she looks for a fight in order to get the anger out and sometimes she comes in real close like this to 'talk' to me and if can feel like a trap to me. And I'm starting to feel worried and how best I can escape this situation before it goes tits up'.

Did you invite your husband to have a conversation? Did you ask him his opinion on how he feels your behaviour affects him?

I'd imagine if he usually gets a behavioural out-burst with very very visible signs of you losing emotional control, then there is a possibility he is being controlled by his fear of your inconsistent responses.

If you are shouting, screaming and thumping pillows on a frequent basis in front of your children then yes that's an issue that needs addressing.

BUT having said all that, it is a MASSIVE achievement for you to turn towards yourself and ask yourself these hard questions. This is real progress.

Curiosity about yourself is the first step. You have taken that step.

By doing it therapist they can make sure you don't turn the harsh judgemental voice against yourself while you are working through it.

I think you’ve extrapolated far too much here. You’ve instantly landed at the OP was talking ‘at’ her husband and lecturing and harassing him. All she said was that he didn’t respond. It could just as easily be she sat down and talked to him calmly about a problem in their relationship and he just doesn’t give a stuff and was not interested.

What’s wrong with you? Why are you attacking. My standards are fine thanks. No one said she should be happy. The issue being discussed is her anger issues. He didn’t make her do it, and living without sex doesn’t mean she’s entitled to do it. If she can’t control her anger she needs help.

@Janetime

''What’s wrong with you? Why are you attacking. My standards are fine thanks. No one said she should be happy. The issue being discussed is her anger issues. He didn’t make her do it, and living without sex doesn’t mean she’s entitled to do it. If she can’t control her anger she needs help.''

You made the choice to highlight my post and start your response to it with '''I abhor this kind of response'...then you complain that I am ''attacking'' you?

Anger is a perfectly understandable and human reaction in this contest.

The OP does not need help controlling her anger.

She needs a supportive partner who does not ignore her needs and is willing to communicate with her.

I criticised your post.

you criticised me.

I think on mumsnet you’ll get a very strict view on this.

people argue, OP. Or at least that’s my experience in real life. My parents (married almost 50 years) argue and bicker. My husband and I argue and bicker. My friends argue with their husbands. Sometimes we argue the worst with the people we’re closest to.

you’ve recognised that you don’t like the way you behave and I’d just try to make some small changes. Before you say anything when you’re annoyed breathe and think deeply about what you’re about to say. Train yourself to do it.

likewise, stand up for yourself in other situations. Be assertive but try to veer away from aggressive.

give it a shit op but remember life is very complex as are relationships. We say things in the heat of the moment and it doesn’t make us (man or woman) terrible People.