Girlfriend's adult son unable to support himself (40 yo)

[RickA]

I posted this a few months ago:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4947324-newish-partners-son-staying-with-us

Well he stayed with us for two weeks then she took him back to the house she owns and he stayed there. When her daughter visited he came back again nd stayed here for 2 weeks then left again back to her old house. Well the job fell through - so now he's here permanently. She still owns her old house with her previous partner - so her son is sharing a house her her ex lover. She goes over there regularly to stock him up with food etc. and she stays there in a spare room of course. I totally trust her although her former lover did ask her to sleep with him one night.

Two weeks ago he decided to go back to his partner while waiting for the job to vote through - they were going to give it another try. She game him about 1,000 pounds for the trip - well it lasted about 5 days and now he's heading back - to her old house.

Now he has "found" 4,000 he forgot about and he says he plans on buying a car and working whatever jobs he can and he'll pay her ex to live there, while sending money to his own son and soon to be ex wife, and while repaying my girlfriend. Yeh right.

I can't get my head around why this bothers me so much. He's not living here but it stresses her and affects her mood and she's not much fun to be around. She wants to go to bed at 8. That doesn't sound very nice does it but I just want a quiet, fun life.

I asked her how she would like it if my 40 year old son stayed with my ex (to whom he is unrelated), or how she would feel if I took a trip and stayed with my ex in a spare room. Of course she wouldn't like it.

The other thing I don't like is that she doesn't pay anything to live here - that's fine as it was the agreement - she pays for most of the food - but the idea was she could save money while here to help her with a new place to live and of course she's saved nothing while funding her son and I don't see an end to it. She's funded him for years and as a result has a large credit card bill she's trying to pay off. I've paid for 3 trips this year - flights and accommodations and food - first so she could visit her grandson, then one to visit her daughter, then one to attend my nephew's wedding. It's getting old.

She is not going to change so unfortunately you need to make a choice - whether you can accept it or if you need to break up.

Yup. You have to make a choice OP. Or we can look forward to the next thread.

Either send her back to her own house permanently or suck it up. It's not going to change. It sounds as if you're getting to the resentful stage anyway.

Op, FFS, throw in the towel already. Nothing about this woman, her useless son, or this untenable situation is ever going to change. You've been fed up for ages and I don't blame you one bit.

This isn't the relationship for you and you're just wasting precious time on her. Send her packing, ASAP.

Mate.

She’s taking the piss.

Couldn't put it better myself.

This is not living ..its enduring and you do not need it. You honestly are wasting your time. Call it a day and move on.

Send her back home. Let her and her ex deal with their deficient son.

There comes a point at which we all have to decide whether to accept a situation we can’t change, or change what we can’t accept. It’s clear that you have reached that point in your relationship with this woman.

This situation is not going to change, and no amount of complaining about it is going to resolve anything, so it’s time to suck it up or end it. I think you know that. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

To be clear - it's her son. He is staying with her ex who is not his father. Not surprisingly he has nothing to do with his real father.

Right? Doesn't really mean much to your situation though does it?

He's a chip.off the block. Where's all his money gone? Workers abroad usually are paid enhanced rates and earn a good living. He returned with nothing. Your partner is paying little into your household but is propping wonder boy up. He is not going to change and nor is she. Unless you're willing to support them both you need to extricate yourself from this unequal partnership.

Once a parent, always a parent but 40yo still asking mum for money is a joke. He needs to grow up and the only way to do it is for her to apply tough love.

But as others have said, will she?

She's only able to do this because of you're support too so in reality you're funding this.

You need a frank conversation with her. And the outcome is whether you put up with the idiocity, the idiocity stops or you cut loose from it.

Good luck x

I'd rather be alone. I couldn't put up with it, it's unfair. Especially financially. I'd be seething inside, get rid.

I've paid for 3 trips this year - flights and accommodations and food - first so she could visit her grandson, then one to visit her daughter, then one to attend my nephew's wedding. It's getting old.

Uh?

Why are you moaning about her bankrolling and grown adult whilst you’re doing the same thing? (for the first 2 trips)

All of the stuff about him is just waffle really. Look at your own behaviour. Then stop it.

Effectively you’re bankrolling a 40 year old man. That doesn’t sit well. I’d be looking to end this messed up relationship.

Your GF is not going to change. There isn't the option of having a relationship with her plus the quiet life you want, so you just have to decide whether being with her is valuable enough to you that you're ok with funding her to bankroll her son.

Given his age I’m going to assume that their relationship has been like this for a long time and she has lacked boundaries for a long time. On that basis I’d say it’s highly unlikely she’s going to change the way she is. You could, if you haven’t already, share your observations with her that she seems miserable, is in debt, and is limited on what she can do, because she’s supporting another adult, and see if it prompts any stirrings of change. If it doesn’t though you need to think really carefully if you’re happy with things carrying on exactly how they are. If you’re not then you know what you need to do.

She is not the one Op. There are lots of lovely women out there.

Women who have boundaries, who pull their weight in a relationship, who don’t expect to have either themselves or their feckless adult offspring subsidised .

Go find one of the lovely ones.