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AIBU?

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Original poster

Newish partner's son staying with us

38 replies

RickA · 20/11/2023 23:27

My girlfriend and I are a mature couple and we both have kids from previous marriages. We've been together a year and 4 month ago or so she moved in with me temporarily as she picked up a job in my area, and she’s selling her house. We get on great and I love having her here. We are very happy. She will buy her own house eventually - we both prefer it that way but will spend most of our time together.

She has an adult son who works as a military contractor and works abroad. When he was off he used to go to his wife, but they are splitting up. So while he is off this time, and between contracts, he wanted to come and stay with us. I have a smallish house and I like my privacy, but being kind, and being assured it wouldn’t be for too long, I agreed. It’s difficult to put a firm date on when he will leave as he has to get medicals and then flights. I accepted that although she never actually sat down and asked me if it was ok. I can't explain why but I just don't like having people staying with me for more than a day or 2.

Anyway, he arrived last Monday - we were given less than 24 hours notice - she couldn’t get a firm commitment from him until the day he was flying in. We get on OK - but this was the first time I had met him and is a bit intense having him in my small house. And of course he has no money…

He was supposed to have a medical on the Friday, 4 days after he arrived, and I was told it would be about a week following the medical that he would be on his way. I agreed, although to be honest I like a bit more predictability in my home life.

Well, he missed his appointment. I was told he had re-scheduled one for 3 days later, close to where my partner used to live, so he took that appointment, and she had planned to go back to her own house to prepare it for sale anyway, so she went, and took him with her of course. I have just been told he will not now have his medical for another 8 days. I don’t know yet why the plan changed. I suspect he's not very organised. There’s a big dinner planned here at my house with my kids, between now and his medical, so her plan is to come back here for the dinner, with him, then take him back for his appointment at her old house and after that I don’t know. And it’s a 4-5 hour drive each way.

There will be a period between the medical and the flight which no-one can be definite about which I’m not happy about. I feel I’m being given the run around. First I was given less than 24 hours notice RE his arrival. Then the appointment was last week which he missed, then I was told it would be today, now I am told it will be in 8 days. I think I’ve done enough and maybe I’m being selfish but I’m not keen on him coming back again for an undetermined amount of time. I might just tell her to come for the dinner if she wants (or stay there and miss the dinner, I'm pretty fed up right now), with him, then when she goes back to her own house for the appointment to stay there until he gets his flight but is that too mean on my part? I know she will be upset, but I just don’t like having people in my house for more than a couple of days. I’m torn.

OP posts:
Azandme · 20/11/2023 23:31

You aren't being unreasonable, it's your house.

That said I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who didn't have room for my family. That's also not unreasonable.

If your partner feels like this too it could be a deal breaker, if you can't find a compromise.

That aside, military contractor with no money? Unusual.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/11/2023 23:35

No, she's taking the piss and didn't even ask you beforehand and not paying towards anything either.
Tell her it's too much having him stay in your small house and he isn't welcome back with her, he can stay at hers if she's concerned for him, he isn't your responsibility.

Ispini · 20/11/2023 23:35

You are effectively being asked to accommodate a stranger in your home. No way! You need time to settle into this relationship and get to know him. I would also be very annoyed at the lack of clarity re all the arrival arrangements. You are so not in the wrong here.

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 20/11/2023 23:36

If it bothers you, you need to talk about it with your partner. You need to communicate so you can come up with a compromise, or just say no if that’s how you feel. You need to listen to what she says, and work with her if you want to relationship to last.

talknomore · 20/11/2023 23:39

Why can't he stay in his mum's house all the time?
Is he unwell?

Original poster
RickA · 20/11/2023 23:39

I do want to make room for her family - and she would for mine - but as it's the first time I have met him it seems a bit much. I can't handle things being all over the place. with arrangements.

And if she had asked "He's coming Monday and would like to spend a week" that would have been fine as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
RickA · 20/11/2023 23:41

"Why can't he stay in his mum's house all the time?
Is he unwell?". Good question. He doesn't have a car here and she says he can't afford to rent one. She could rent one for him, but she's continually bailing him out - he hasn't paid her for the last two times she paid for his flights.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 20/11/2023 23:42

Hmm, he’s got no money, and he’s missing appointments that would put him in a position to earn money, and he’s split up with his wife. It sounds like his Mum is doing her best to help him, but I’m wondering why he can’t stay at her house? I guess because she doesn’t get to see him that often and wants him near her?
If it’s only for a few more days, I’d suggest you suck it up to support her, but this sounds like it could go on for a long time/ has he actually got another job lined up? And why hasn’t he got any money?
Im sorry, I’ve got lots of questions but no answers.

Fionaville · 20/11/2023 23:43

I'd hate it too. YANBU. There's no reason at all for her son not to stay in her house.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/11/2023 23:44

Also, what has his lack of car got to do with this?

Original poster
RickA · 20/11/2023 23:45

Yep he has. another job lined up - the flight will be forthcoming after his medical - which he missed. And now, apparently is 8 days away. Her house is away from public transport and he has no car.

OP posts:
WillowCraft · 20/11/2023 23:53

Military contractors are usually extremely well paid, aren't they? Why has he no money? There must be something going on. I wouldn't like it either, I would want to know what was going on. You and your partner don't properly live together and don't plan to so this isn't really on I'd say.

LaurieStrode · 21/11/2023 00:11

Something is very fishy. What has he been doing with his wages? Does he have children?

Original poster
RickA · 21/11/2023 00:44

He had a very dysfunctional relationship with the woman he is splitting from - he was working away and sending all his money to her and his baby (yes they have a child) to support them. He twice left jobs at a moment's notice to return to them. He's a fun lad and and I don't dislike him - but not responsible at all. His mother has bailed him out at least twice that I know of - and he's 40 now.

Oh yeh - just to add a bit of spice he's a Q Anon follower. Yeh, isn't that lovely?

I just talked with my partner and it didn't go well. She said I have my kids and grandkids over all the time - which I do and I set up my life so I could be close to them. But she says I can't support her kids? I said how would it be if I had moved in with you and my son gave me less than 24 hours that he was going to visit - miss his appointment - and want to stay for an indefinite period of time with no money? The two things (my own kids visiting for dinner, for example) are not even in the same ball park.

Anyway - we calmed down and I was very clear - she can come back with him for our dinner - it will be another 5 days because she has a business appointment here she can't miss - and I'll be polite and make him welcome - then she can take him back for his medical appointment and that's it - I don't want him staying in my house again until his next leave when we can plan it properly. I was firm and she wasn't very happy. I told her to get someone else's view - like one of her sister's.

I don't know whether I'm odd but I just don't like even good friends spending more than a couple of nights.

OP posts:
Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 21/11/2023 02:46

You are not unreasonable not to want him staying. But he is her child, and she will always want to help him.

FictionalCharacter · 21/11/2023 03:00

RickA · 21/11/2023 00:44

He had a very dysfunctional relationship with the woman he is splitting from - he was working away and sending all his money to her and his baby (yes they have a child) to support them. He twice left jobs at a moment's notice to return to them. He's a fun lad and and I don't dislike him - but not responsible at all. His mother has bailed him out at least twice that I know of - and he's 40 now.

Oh yeh - just to add a bit of spice he's a Q Anon follower. Yeh, isn't that lovely?

I just talked with my partner and it didn't go well. She said I have my kids and grandkids over all the time - which I do and I set up my life so I could be close to them. But she says I can't support her kids? I said how would it be if I had moved in with you and my son gave me less than 24 hours that he was going to visit - miss his appointment - and want to stay for an indefinite period of time with no money? The two things (my own kids visiting for dinner, for example) are not even in the same ball park.

Anyway - we calmed down and I was very clear - she can come back with him for our dinner - it will be another 5 days because she has a business appointment here she can't miss - and I'll be polite and make him welcome - then she can take him back for his medical appointment and that's it - I don't want him staying in my house again until his next leave when we can plan it properly. I was firm and she wasn't very happy. I told her to get someone else's view - like one of her sister's.

I don't know whether I'm odd but I just don't like even good friends spending more than a couple of nights.

I think you did the right thing.

Yes of course she wants to help him, but that doesn’t mean she can invite him to stay in your house. He can stay in hers until you’re happy to host him.

Something isn’t right about his job and money situation. A military contractor shouldn’t be broke. I don’t believe he’s sending his ex “all his money”. He jumps out of jobs and now he’s likely to lose his next job if he misses medicals. Why did he miss his appointment? I’d be wary. I wouldn’t want to risk having a sponger as a regular fixture in my home, expecting to live off you.

SwedishSchnauzer · 21/11/2023 03:09

It’s difficult, she must enjoy spending time with him, after all he is a part of her life just like your kids are for you

user1492757084 · 21/11/2023 03:46

Honesty is the best policy.
Be honest and say that you are stressed with the unpredictability of your house guest as well as having just met him. You like the chap but you feel over whelmed at hosting for so long.

Offer that you think it would be best that he and you both have the opportunity for a little bit of private space. Suggest that he stays at his mother's house while it awaits sale.

Have him to the meal or organise a meal out at a good pub to serenade him off again.
It is a hard life for him - and he is getting divorced.
Does he have mental health issues that make him not keep appointments? Should he approach his defence force doctors?

Ihadenough22 · 21/11/2023 03:47

Your new partner son is 40 years of age and does military contract work. Other posters here have said that is well paid so why is he broke? He said he is sending all his money to his ex partner and his baby which I find hard to believe. He come back to the UK and misses a medical exam which he needs for work. Meanwhile he is staying in your house.
You did the right thing talking to your partner about his plans and when he is going to leave.
It one thing staying in some one house but you want an end date. You don't want him or your partner thinking he can fly into the UK between jobs and have free accommodation with you.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 21/11/2023 04:15

'missed his medical ' ???

Nah, that screams dodgy to me. My bet is he had drugs or alcohol in his system and knew he'd fail the medical so put off going

Wedontdeservedogs · 21/11/2023 04:16

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 21/11/2023 04:15

'missed his medical ' ???

Nah, that screams dodgy to me. My bet is he had drugs or alcohol in his system and knew he'd fail the medical so put off going

Exactly my first thought too

Ascubudr · 21/11/2023 04:23

Wedontdeservedogs · 21/11/2023 04:16

Exactly my first thought too

Show quote history

Me three

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 21/11/2023 04:57

Anyway - we calmed down and I was very clear - she can come back with him for our dinner - it will be another 5 days because she has a business appointment here she can't miss - and I'll be polite and make him welcome - then she can take him back for his medical appointment and that's it - I don't want him staying in my house again until his next leave when we can plan it properly.

Well done for setting boundaries.

Are you sure she is planning to buy her own house?

Appleblum · 21/11/2023 05:06

YANBU yet at the same time I think you could be alot more generous and tolerant. He only arrived last week, it's not as though he's been squatting in your house for the past month.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 21/11/2023 05:23

Appleblum · 21/11/2023 05:06

YANBU yet at the same time I think you could be alot more generous and tolerant. He only arrived last week, it's not as though he's been squatting in your house for the past month.

He’s a stranger to OP, they never asked OP if it was ok if he could stay, the girlfriend just assumed it was, the OP’s been told it would be for a few days and the son repays OP’s generosity by missing his appointment. The son is also penniless and I doubt OP’s girlfriend is paying for his food.