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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To complain about policeman

30 replies

mousey24 · 23/02/2024 07:23

I divorced my violent ex several years ago. He then continued to abuse me through access visits until he lost his access to our child. He's now joined a forum linked to my hobby and is posting content I find distressing. I cannot block myself from seeing his posts or block him from seeing my posts. The admin won't ban him as he's just referring to "the ex". Admin say that could be about anyone and none of the other people on the forum will know it's about me. But I know it's about me.

I contacted a stalking helpline who advised me to report it all to the police. I filled in a lengthy form and sent it to the police. It detailed the past history, what he is doing now and how it is making me feel.

The police telephoned me and told me I needed to attend an in person interview. I was offered someone coming to my house or attending a police station. I chose the police station option as I didn't want the street curtain twitchers wondering why I had a police car parked outside.

I got to the station. A very disinterested officer took me into an interview room. He said he'd read my notes and nothing could be done about my ex's behaviour. He bluntly told me to delete my account from the forum and find another hobby. I was upset by this and said it was unfair that I have to keep moving on and cutting friendships to keep out of the way of an abusive man. He just slouched in the chair, repeated what he'd said and kept saying that's what he would do. He said there was nothing more the police could do and ushered me out of the police station. The whole interview lasted a few minutes.

He had no listening skills, no empathy and made me feel like a nuisance for being scared of my ex stalking me. I left feeling incredibly low and wondering what the point of having to go to the police station was.

Is it worth complaining to the police about him? Or should I just get over it and move on as he suggested?

Sorry for all the questions. I'm not in a good place mentally right now and I'm struggling to work out what to do for the best. I just want my ex to leave me alone so I can live my life how I want to.

OP posts:
Porageeater · 23/02/2024 07:31

I would OP. You should not have been made to feel like that as it is exactly what puts people off from reporting things. Can you get any more advice from the stalking line? I feel like you need someone to advocate for you. There has been a lot in the news about them not taking stalking seriously recently.

donquixotedelamancha · 23/02/2024 07:44

What is the content? If its not getting removed from a forum presumably there is nothing inherently objectionable, it just means something to you?

That being so, the police officer may have been crap but it sounds like he's right. I would not personally bother making a complaint because I'd feel like that's putting more energy into this situation with your ex.

I would just disappear from the forum and come back in a few months with a new name when your ex is bored of that particular game.

Porageeater · 23/02/2024 07:48

It doesn’t matter if he’s right. The point is his manner and the way OP has been treated will put people off reporting things in future which could have serious consequences. If nobody ever complains about these things nothing will ever change. It depends if OP feels able to put the energy in of course.

SharedAccountWithMySister · 23/02/2024 07:48

You shouldn’t have to do this, but I would try and make him think he’s won as a tactic to make him stop.

On your new forum create a new profile as your primary account. Use your current account sparingly - once a week/fortnight so that he thinks you’ve slowed down and are hardly using it. Hopefully he’ll take it as a win and will give up.

User19798 · 23/02/2024 07:54

I would complain but also leave the forum and delete your account. The Police do not care about women who are stalked by men, I was staled twice and on both occasions I was gas lit and lied to. "Why would be following you?" sneer and telling me I 'thought a lot of myself'. The last time I discussed this on MN I mentioned which force and a few details - the police contacted MN and made me take it down. They do not care and many women are attacked and even killed by stalkers - often exs - every year. It is horrendous but you must protect yourself. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Tel12 · 23/02/2024 07:57

Can you delete your account and rejoin under a different name? Assuming that somehow your ex knows this is you?

Soontobe60 · 23/02/2024 07:57

I’m not one for complaining, but in this case I absolutely would, and I’d ask to speak to an officer who deals with DV cases.
I would also contact a local Woman’s refuge for advice.

daffodilandtulip · 23/02/2024 08:01

The very first time my ex attacked me, the neighbours called the police. The police gave me a lecture on being grateful for what I had (pointing at my nice house) and staying out of his way if he'd had a drink. I was 22.

I then never called the police in 10 years of being beaten. Their attitude on the small things has a massive impact.

ThisHonestQuail · 23/02/2024 08:01

I wouldn’t bother complaining, it won’t change anything in the policeman’s life.

BunniesRUs · 23/02/2024 08:04

Poor you OP.

Can you get someone to go and beat him up? Sick of these men getting away with shit.

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 23/02/2024 08:15

Yes, I would lodge a complaint and also ask for a female or DV / stalking trained officer for support. He wasn't performing his duties as he should have. Police officers like this need a lot more training or shouldn't be allowed to serve.

6Y5T · 23/02/2024 08:16

BunniesRUs · 23/02/2024 08:04

Poor you OP.

Can you get someone to go and beat him up? Sick of these men getting away with shit.

Edited

The Jeremy Kyle Show finished years ago

Calllalllama · 23/02/2024 08:24

The last time I discussed this on MN I mentioned which force and a few details - the police contacted MN and made me take it down.

That is shocking I had no idea that you were not able to complain about them on an anonymous forum.

Naunet · 23/02/2024 08:56

User19798 · 23/02/2024 07:54

I would complain but also leave the forum and delete your account. The Police do not care about women who are stalked by men, I was staled twice and on both occasions I was gas lit and lied to. "Why would be following you?" sneer and telling me I 'thought a lot of myself'. The last time I discussed this on MN I mentioned which force and a few details - the police contacted MN and made me take it down. They do not care and many women are attacked and even killed by stalkers - often exs - every year. It is horrendous but you must protect yourself. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Wow, amazing what they do manage to find time to do.

You may as well report it OP, but sadly, don’t hold out hope that they’ll care.

cctvrec · 23/02/2024 09:14

We had a similar situation but not a real ex per se, just someone my husband dated/hung around with for a couple of months as a teen, now over 20 years ago. She saw him on FB so friend requested him. She began with polite chit chat and quickly flipped and started stalking, sending awful messages. "Someone" called his work anonymously claiming she was the police and was going to arrest him, She stalked my FB and used random information to tell DH I was cheating (such as an old check in and she'd say a mutual friend had reliably informed her that I'd had a one night stand there and conceived one of our kids)
It was weird and really unnerving because she was clearly batshit. All of her accusations were easily discredited but when she messaged our daughter, we went to the police.

The police man was really dismissive just like yours OP. I had to repeatedly push the point that this virtual stranger was obviously crazy and we had no idea if she would take it further. We lived in a tiny village (DH has always lived here) and therefore all she would have to do is ask one person in the street where DH's house was and they'd kindly walk her to our door. I had to threaten taking the matter further if they didn't do something.

Like in many cases of reporting stalking, it took me pushing for them to even speak to her. The officer wasn't even going to look her up!

They only took it seriously and decided to pursue the matter strongly when the police in her city contacted her to inform her that she had been reported and she needed to stop, she was extremely belligerent and aggressive towards the officer.

It was her attitude that spurred them into legal action, not her crime. She did and up being found guilty in court and it turns out, she had done it before!

OP, keep every shred of evidence and call someone who knows how seriously stalking should be taken, like www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline.

MinnieCauldwell · 23/02/2024 09:14

Had a similiar experience when I reported my abusive partner a few years back, the policeman said that they were not there to sort out my love life....
Wish I had complained. Clearly nothing has changed.
I think you should and make sure that your contact with them has been logged.

YouJustDoYou · 23/02/2024 09:21

I bet if your ex misgendered you and you were trans the police would care, seems to be all they care about these days.

SisterhoodNotCisterhood · 23/02/2024 10:02

YouJustDoYou · 23/02/2024 09:21

I bet if your ex misgendered you and you were trans the police would care, seems to be all they care about these days.

Hate to say it but you're not wrong. And you'd get to refer to it as "literal violence" too for that extra punch or seriousness.

cansu · 23/02/2024 10:07

Tbh I would just come off the app or change my profile. He sounds childish and pathetic. He will pack it in eventually.

I think expecting the police to take this on is unreasonable. It is undoubtedly nasty of your ex but the police can't act to protect your feelings. If he makes threats in his posts that is different and they should act. What are his postings about?

Lighteningstrikes · 23/02/2024 10:28

I would make an official complaint against the police officers conduct.

I would also pursue the matter of your ex-h. It will hopefully take one phone call from them.

Jellyx · 23/02/2024 10:34

The police office isn't a therapist. They've advised no criminal action has taken place and suggested what you can do to avoid him.

StrawberryEater · 23/02/2024 11:03

If you can face it, absolutely complain about the police officer. He is incorrect in his approach and attitude. It is harassment and you should be pushing for a harassment order. He should be taking it seriously and behaving with courtesy at the very least. That is literally his job and not doing so is a breach of the police code of conduct.

You should try to do the complaint in writing, because otherwise the police will dismiss what you say. And in writing you can be very clear in setting out the background facts that you told the officer and that he therefore ought to have considered, as well as complaining about his conduct. That will mean a more senior officer will have that before them and will see that there is a crime being reported and can make sure it is taken further, as well as looking at the officer’s behaviour.

Good luck OP.

celebritydiscodave · 14/09/2025 01:38

If he is not naming names I do see his point, and if they cannot do anything he is simply being honest about it. If you are not naming names, full names, you are not braking any laws.

PollyBell · 14/09/2025 01:55

Jellyx · 23/02/2024 10:34

The police office isn't a therapist. They've advised no criminal action has taken place and suggested what you can do to avoid him.

This, complain all you want i really dont know what you expect them to do

Ladyzfactor · 14/09/2025 04:13

YouJustDoYou · 23/02/2024 09:21

I bet if your ex misgendered you and you were trans the police would care, seems to be all they care about these days.

Trans people have an statistically an extremely high probability of abuse and violence. Your comment is disgusting but I honestly expect nothing less from this site

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