I should no longer have to work, seeing as my husband has ' made it '

[klangr]

Said my mother.

Quick background. My parents both come from nothing. Very very poor- we are talking going hungry as kids. Especially my mum. Very very bad circumstances. Abuse too. Think, my grand parents had too many kids- they gave some of them away to work for rich families age 10. It's even worse than that, I could go on.

My father set up his own business and my mum helped out a lot in the beginning and took care of the family. It was a family business with all of my dad's siblings etc and they didn't treat my mum particularly well or respect her. Neither did my dad. She had a pretty shit deal.

Eventually when the business took off enough, she refused to keep working there. She looked after her children and got the odd part time job, because my dad only gave her a tiny household allowance - because she didn't contribute enough in his eyes. Because she didn't work in the business full time and help out. Even when she helped out though, he never paid her anyway.

Anyway, my dad was also pretty abusive to my mum. His entire reason was always that she didn't help out. That was the bee in his Bonet. That she didn't work in the business. He made our child hood miserable. We were always walking on egg shells. A lot of screaming and shouting and occasionally hitting my mum. All because she was lazy apparently. Wow just writing that down makes me realise how awful it really is. Anyway, I often wished he would die when I was a child. I just felt everything would be easier if he was no longer there. He wasn't abusive to me though.

In any case, my mum's point was always the fact that she did contribute in the beginning to the business and that when things took off, she shouldn't have needed to go and help out anymore, especially as she hated the environment and felt ridiculed there and treated badly.

So she didn't work always. Sometimes she had part time jobs. She'd go out to lunches and coffees with friends and play tennis and my dad just despised her for not pulling her weight in the business.

I am not sure where I'm going with this. I guess I read so many threads on here about women who don't work etc and how they're not contribution to the family. How they're living off their partner, rather than recognising that they fulfil the home role.

My mum really felt she shouldn't need to work anymore, because my dad was very successful. And on some level, I can imagine some judgement coming from some of the women on here about that attitude.

What does everyone think about this ?

It doesn’t matter what you think. It’s their relationship and whatever you say won’t make a difference.

Sorry OP, sounds like your mum has had the shit end of the stick throughout her life. I’m not sure why you think other women would judge her decisions? I think women more than anyone recognise the hidden labour that comes with running a household and raising kids.

What do you think about her statement?

That sounds like an absolutely awful environment for you to have grown up in. Generally speaking, I think that if one person in a marriage/ partnership is very successful and both parties agree that the other person will stay at home and not work, that is absolutely fine. But I don’t think it should ever be assumed or expected.

I think that there may be a mix of huge empathy for the abuse and a wish that she had been able to escape that.

There is also some understanding though of being the one with all the financial responsibility. There is a lot to be said for more equal responsibility for family, bringing in money, sharing the work at home and having more equal leisure time and fun. It is great if one spouse prefers to take on responsibility for bringing in the money and the other prefers sorting everything else, but few people really enjoy one side all being on them.

I think the statement in isolation isn't right in itself.

I can understand if he was keen for her to contribute in some way, financially.

There should have been an understanding that he didn't want to face the financial burden alone.

However - he needed to respect that working in the business wasn't for her. She didn't like it there and wasn't comfortable. The way he handled it is disgusting.

The thing is though. She waited on him hand and foot. Even when she worked full time, that was absolutely expected.

And I mean, serve her husband. I mean, my dad never even took a plate to the sink. If he sat down and something was missing, he'd scream at her.

If anything in the house was below the standard or she forgot something when we went on a trip. It was hell. He would berate her endlessly.

He told her she was worthless continuously too.

So, yeah I don't have any sympathy for the fact that he went to work and provided for his family and had that burden.

It’s a shame she didn’t divorce him and take her share of what she was legally owed.

Too afraid he'd chuck her out on the street with nothing and potentially kill her. Fact.

I don't think your mum stopped working because "your dad had made it" but more because he treated her badly and clearly he would have not been happy with any contribution any way...

I never "made it" as such but I always had a good, well paid job. DW quit work when she became pregnant and never worked (PT charity jobs excepted) from then on.

What we lost in income we more than saved in child minders etc.

That worked for us. It might, or might not, work for you. There is no universal answer.

Yeah totally.

I just always think when she says it that it sounds bad.

He wouldn't have been happy either way. It's just the stick he used to beat her with all those years.

He would have found a different excuse to hate her. Or maybe not. Maybe if she had been 100 percent subservient to him, doing exactly what he wanted her to do, he wouldn't have been so nasty.

Who knows. It's fucked up.

She probably uses that as a reason because she is embarrassed to say the real reason.. unfortunately the victims of abuse are more embarrassed than the perpetrators of the abuse 😢

Clearly he was a nasty abusive fucker and would have found any excuse.

But i don't believe women (or men!) should have a sense of entitlement that their partner earning a lot means they should be allowed to reduce their contribution and most importantly, enjoy far more leisure time than the main earner does.

No judgement at all where one parent is handling multiple preschool age kids, all the cleaning, cooking etc and has no more time to themselves than the one working outside the home. But do judge those who quickly drop into a life of leisure as soon as their partner shoulders the financial burden. Leisure time should be equally shared out.

It's sounds like, in removing herself from the business, she was partially removing herself from the abusive environment that surrounded her. But she didn't have the confidence or financial independence to go the whole way. And she also didn't have the points of reference (as was probably true for many women in the past) to understand that she was indeed a victim of abuse.

As for the financial contribution/independence thing, I think there was very much a tendency in the past to undervalue non-financial contributions or "women's work", as it was still seen as. So women would be expected to "do it all" - work, then come home and do everything at home. While paid work was the only work that was valued. Nowadays I hope that has changed somewhat and I do think the healthiest relationship set-ups are where both parties contribute both financially and in terms of chores/childcare.

I don’t think you know what really went on, though you seem to have the measure of your dad - it would have been any stick to beat her with. Literally, sadly.

He hit her and abused her. Does it really sound like she just stood up to him and said, “nah, I don’t want to work in the business”? You really think she dared? This otherwise subservient woman?

I expect that he actually made her not work there - so he could belittle her. I expect if you knew the truth, you’d find he “sacked” her.

I think your Mum tried to make a better life for herself with the limited resources she had. He sounds a nasty man.

How successful? There's a difference between being OK month to month and being in a situation where you are comfortable financially whatever the future brings

"Anyway, I often wished he would die when I was a child."

Nobody can ever understand what that feels like as a child unless you've been there (I have). It was a constant wish for several years throughout my childhood. I used to dream of my father dying and being carried out in a bag by undertakers and feeling very happy about that. It's a terrible burden to bear because you know it's not how you should feel but my hatred for him was overwhelming. He mellowed as an old man and was an OK grandfather so the hatred reduced to tolerance but no more.

Why do you even care. Focus on your own life

How is that relevant? How successful do you have to be to earn the right to abuse your wife and children?

Are your parents still together? Someone had to look after the kids! As others have said nothing can be done now.

Your mum was/is in an abusive relationship. Does it really matter? I think she should try and enjoy her life as best as possible

It's abusive, I rely on my partner financially and don't work. Housework/childcare is still 50/50. My husband specifically does not want me to work as he wants me to have an easy life/enjoy my life doing the things I love.

Sorry but your dad sounds horrible.

Working in your father's business and being totally dependent on him were not the only options though, she could have got a different job.

She was dammed if she did and dammed if she didn’t and rather than be dammed if she did, she chose to be dammed if she didn’t, whilst doing things that brought her joy.

So your mother’s choices were; continue being an unpaid or poorly paid and unappreciated servant or when the family finances were considerably better, a woman who was head of domestic services and spent her free time doing things that brought her pleasure.

Your father abused your mother and not continuously working for the family business was his excuse to continue to disrespect her. You’re conflating things and comparing are apples and pears.