Friend constantly analysing children's behaviour

[ARMSDOWN]

I have a friend who I'm very close to. She has a daughter the same age as my son. Today we were out at a day event. My son was really hyper as he was excited to see his friend. Not so much that he was doing anything dangerous, just very excited and chatty (and yes, annoying!). My friend later texted me telling me he might benefit from this that and the other her daughter benefited from (mainly square breathing exercises and focusing techniques). My son has suspected adhd, she knows this, I'm working on it. It seems every time I see her she is analysing something about my and her child's behaviour and googling some kind of answer even if it is just normal behaviour. It's driving me a bit nuts and makes me feel deflated like she's always analysing my parenting (given, she does it with her own child too). We've been friends for 15 years and I've never had this issue before. I can't work out if it's just me being over sensitive. Would this annoy you? Would you raise it?

It’s annoying. My sister died the same with our boys. Hers is a year older than mine. They’re quite different. They also do things differently to us, at home. She acts as if my child is some kind of street urchin… When he’s just a lively little guy.

I do this (in my head, as I fully get that a commentary would be annoying) with my little relations and friends' kids.
I am working up to eg mentioning neuro divergence/assessment to a friend about her son.
It comes from a place of love. If you are an outsider you might see patterns but want to make sure the parents have seen them.
Or there's no patterns and that's good too!

Just send her a breezy message staying you are happy just enjoying him as he is right now... Plenty of time for a diagnosis...

I just find it so irritating. It's like every time I see her she's giving me some kind of new parenting tip like trying square breathing, parenting books and podcasts, lavender pillow spray, etc etc, and always after she's pointed out something about my son that I should be working on changing. They're always relatively minor things. If he was hitting or being mean or destructive I would appreciate the tips but he's not at all.

@ARMSDOWN i can understand your frustration but then if the methods help then surley thats a good thing ? to me im reminded of the big bang theory with Leonards relative

As I said I may just be reading too much into it. When you're given 4/5 unsolicited parenting tips every time you see someone you start to feel criticised.

true and i can see your point, i guess in their view they know the methods work and in theory are trying to help you, especially if they think your methods are not producing results ?

Oh absolutely! It would drive me nuts too. She's probably trying to help though. Either agree/say you're reading another parenting book, or try a jokey 'we're all set for breathing techniques today thanks, now it's playtime' might help :-) .

Actually as she's a parent herself, is she trying to reassure herself, or perhaps she feels she has to do them all and can't just BE a parent....?

Children aren't a problem to solve! They are little humans learning and growing into bigger humans.

Honestly it's out of control this attitude. Where's the autonomy, where's the understanding of natural child development and key stages? Just diagnoses and drugs and pathologising every aspect of normality.

The dark side of me thinks it's all compliance driven. Comply with the system, sit down shut up do as you're told. If you don't like it or don't do it, YOU are the problem. Not the system being absolutely fucked and actively damaging

Unsolicited advice is never helpful. This would drive me mad too OP. However I would give her a pass considering she's like this with her own child too. She sounds like an anxious overthinker and has an empathy blindspot- she doesn't perceive that it's coming across as though she has a critical eye on your son. I would gently share with her how it makes you feel- I'm sure she'll be mortified and stop. Fwiw in the past I think I've done this a bit with friends (hopefully nowhere near the extent your friend is doing) and it's always been during times when I've felt Insecure about my own parenting, ie classic projection

“That’s interesting but we are following the advice of the SENCO as they are trained to help support us” and repeat every single time you get any advice.

I'd find it really irritating too. Just say "oh, we tried that, it didn't work for us." Or "I'm pleased you've found something that works for you, as I know you were struggling with your daughter."

She could be the best parent in the world to her daughter, but that doesn't mean she knows anything at all about how to parent your son. Different strokes for different folks.

And with the best will in the world, breathing exercises aren't going to make a kid with ADHD behave like a kid without ADHD.

This. Gently tell her how it makes you feel. Sounds like your friend means well but i‘d be annoyed, too.

I agree - I would find it very annoying. I’ve had something similar before in a few contexts (and not just with my dc)

its intrusive somehow - like their caught up in your life as if it’s their responsibility and not recognising the boundary. Sometimes I’ve found ignoring ir making comments like those suggested above helpful to an extent.

If being a helper is deeply ingrained though I think it’s harder - they don’t always get the hints!

I feel you though!

She absolutely means well. She has a heart of gold.

I’ve had this with a friend giving advice on my ND DC. Sooo annoying ( especially since I suspect her DS may be on spectrum but she doesn’t notice because he’s quiet)

no advice- except just laugh it off and ignore

I think her own social skills aren't great if she thinks this feedback on your son would be well received

Totally get this OP as it feels like they are suggesting that what you are doing is wrong somehow!

I think you also have to parent a bit differently when you're a lone parent and some people don't quite understand this.

Indeed.

I do this automatically in a vague way because it’s my wheelhouse, but it is an in your head thing beyond the rare occasion someone asks for your opinion!

No one wants comments passed on their children.

Funnily enough, I'm 53 with adhd and I've just started using box breathing and the "psychological sigh" to help my anxiety and overwhelm and gave this advice to some random bloke last week...

But it's generally best in life to never comment on other people's kids, you just don't know why they do things the way they do. There is always a reason.

Absolutely. It's also very different trying to get a 5yo to do it. I know already he won't.

My wife is a cbt therapist for children- will our ADHD/autistic son use any of the techniques she tells him? Will he buggery.

She means well. I’d just say thanks then ignore it.

I think you just need to say something like 'we all parent differently' and let her work out that you're not after parenting advice.

My sil said this to me once when I made a suggestion on getting my niece to sleep a bit better and I took the hint!

Unless parents are asking for advice - don't give it.