To be concerned about what DD said

[Goolash89]

So basically, I kicked my husband out as he never prioritised us and was always out with his friends, working late and literally joining every social situation he could to avoid coming home it seemed.

He does come round the odd night as I keep thinking he might actually realise, however, my DD who is 6 randomly said "is Daddy coming round tonight as I don't want him to come, I want you to live apart"

I literally could never imagine saying that as a child as my Dad was my favourite person in the world and did everything for us. I know I need to maybe take what she says with a pinch of salt and it will not influence my final decision I don't think.

Maybe talk to her more fully about what being around her dad is like for her.

Just as importantly, what makes you think he's going to have a complete personality transplant?

Every time I think I am getting somewhere, he will text me and say, will you be pissed if I did this tonight, and then I remember why I did what I did.

Children say what they think their parents want to hear, especially at 6

Might be she’s just got used to you and her most of the time. When I was little my dad worked long hours so I didn’t see him that much in the week and really enjoyed having my mum to myself. I once said I hoped they got divorced. Ungrateful child I was! My dad was working so much so my mum could stay at home and look after me. He always was and still is a brilliant dad. I genuinely feel guilty when I think back to that.

Do you argue a lot when you're together?
I might have said that as someone who grew up with parents who had regular shouting matches. The atmosphere at home was often horrendous and a lot of time was spent wondering when it would kick off again. Even six year olds can pick up on a bad atmosphere and prefer it if one parent isn't there.

At 6yo that could have lots of meanings:

"Daddy did things that upset me", is clearly where you're worrying. But there are other possibilities.
"I get more attention from you"
"Mummy is happier and we do fun things together"
"You were always arguing"
"I think saying that will make mummy happy"
"I get to play in daddy's study now"
"Daddy is more fun when he only sees me sometimes. Before he never had time to put me to bed, but when he comes he reads me a story every time"
"My friend says they get two Christmases and twice the presents because their parents live apart"
"Daddy was always fussing me about tidying my room. Mummy doesn't."

All sorts of things that could have the result of her saying she prefers you to be apart.

I was very much a daddy's girl, and loved doing things with him and me. But I can remember one bank holiday he had to go into work and I said "oh good" when I saw him going.
Not because I didn't want him there, but he had a habit on bank holidays of either deciding it was a good day to clear a room out, which meant the whole family helping, or that we'd go for a all day walk, which I hated.
So him not being there on a bank holiday meant I could get on with what I wanted to do without being interrupted to do something else.
But often on bank holidays he would just get on with DIY jobs he needed to do, and I'd trail round after him chatting and "helping" and I loved doing that probably more than I wanted to do my own things.

We never argue, The only thing I can think of is that I let her stay up a bit later!

It really isn't something I want to hear as when she says negative things about I tell her it is not nice at all and that he loves her very much.

I’d just ask her 🤷🏻‍♀️ DD was 8 when her Dad moved out. To start with, she kept asking why he couldn’t just move back in, she was happy when we all lived together. After about 6 months, she changed her mind and said she was happier now. She just said he was grumpy a lot (he was and still is), he never joined in when we did things (similar to your ex from the sounds of it) and she felt calmer and the house was happier since he left. Been a couple of years now and she still says similar. Just say ‘You said x, what did you mean?’..I’m sure she’ll give you a sensible reason.

Is it possible you were right and your husband didn't want to come home and was already thinking of leaving? He might have pre-empted you kicking him out and had a discussion with your daughter to see how she feels about it.

It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want to see him, just that she senses neither of you are happy living together.

It really isn't something I want to hear as when she says negative things about I tell her it is not nice at all and that he loves her very much.

I don't think that's wise. You need to acknowledge what she is feeling/thinking/saying and help her navigate the situation she is in. Telling her it's not nice to say negative things about her father is setting her up for trouble emotionally.

If she says it again I'd just say casually 'Oh, why is that then?' as this really could be anything from behaviour towards her you're not aware of on his part, to simply enjoying the extra attention and late nights of one on one time with you. I'd want to understand what was behind it though if I were you.

You never argue? But yet the relationship has been bad enough that you kicked him out - the must be a terrible atmosphere even if it's not shouty arguments.
She has probably picked up on the fact that you are happier or at least calmer when he is gone.
I do think you need to commit to either kicking him out or letting him back, the popping in and out must be very confusing for her.

Well it could be for anything really. My kids made similar comments when they were younger and yes it was because they wanted 2 lots of Christmas presents. One also said they wanted to go and live with their friend and have their Mummy because she made better pancakes than I did.

It’s got to be very confusing for her if you’ve separated and he’s not living there but comes round on the odd night.

Perhaps when he’s there you put all your attention on him, hoping to get him back and less on your DD.

Why are you allowing this to happen?

If you want him back then he needs to be trying to prove himself.

Right now he’s laughing because he gets to act like a single person with no responsibility but knows he can click his fingers and spend the night at yours whenever he pleases.

I don't think it is confusing for her currently as we have said he is looking after her grandparents house whilst they are away. Although I am aware I need to make a decision.

My attention isn't on him when he is here as I am not sure I know what I want either, I am really not fussed either way what happens as I just want to be happy, and I wasn't happy with how it was.

Ooookey. So going with that logic, why would a 6 year old think that's what her mum wanted to hear?

Perhaps she isn't enjoying the uncertainty of the situation. Kids tend to thrive and routine and knowing what's happening. Him turning up on the odd night could be very unsettling rather than regular scheduled contact

My dad was not an active father and I knew by that age that he wasn't interested in parenting. I was never, ever close to him and am NC with him now. Your DH needs to buck his ideas up as it sounds like DD realises.

I told my Mum, for the first time, at 8 years old I wanted her to divorce my Dad. They weren't having any obvious issues I just wanted him gone.

I was 17 when he decided to end the relationship, I have ptsd, my mum didn't listen to me

I was desperate for my mum to leave my step dad. Yes it’s different but the tension and unpleasantness in the house affected me a great deal as a child and still does now at 46.

A child of 6 saying that is telling you she’s unhappy. Listen to her.

OK. You tell DD it's "not nice" to say negative things about her Dad - which means she's said these things before.

She isn't going to tell you freely if she feels negatively about him, because you criticise that. Even so, she did say she wished he wasn't always coming round.

You're invalidating any bad feelings she may have about her Dad, yet you're giving extremely mixed messages about how you feel. You chucked him out because he doesn't engage with family life and wasn't making you happy, right? And you're still welcoming him back whenever he feels like it (and still sleeping with him?)

Going by your actions, not your words, you don't seem all that bothered about your little girl's confusion or your own happiness, tbh. You can't genuinely imagine that letting your husband act like a part-time boyfriend and disappearing Dad will improve his commitment to either you or your daughter?! I can certainly see that your kid doesn't know which way is up, and is not allowed to express any fears she has.

As for your H, he's got it made by the looks of things. I don't yet know whether this situation's actually how you want it. Do you prefer it when he's only part time? Are you happier now? Do you want him properly gone?

It might not be what you want to hear but it's how she feels. Rather than shutting her down and telling her it's not nice, why haven't you asked her why she doesn't want Daddy there?

Yabu to not listen and validate her feelings about her daddy- maybe she has good reasons to feel that way. Dismissing her opinions as “mean” will be unhelpful if you split, as she will feel unable to confide in you when she doesn’t like her daddy’s behaviour.

As a complete stranger on the internet, I'm confused about how you feel about your relationship with your husband, so how your poor child feels, I really can't imagine. You say you kicked him out because he didn't prioritise his family, but he's still not prioritising you, so why put up with him keep popping in? If you didn't like it the way it was, then surely it's over, as nothing appears to have changed, but perhaps your child prefers you on your own, as maybe you're not constantly fretting about what excuse he's going to come up with next, or whether you need to cook dinner for him, etc. I think you need to have a serious think about what it is that you REALLY want from this man, you either want him in your life, or you don't, and if you don't, then separate, and be done with it. At least then your poor child will be able to have some sort of routine, whereas at present, she's really unsure of what's going on, and is trying to tell you so.