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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about what DD said

38 replies

Goolash89 · 22/02/2024 18:47

So basically, I kicked my husband out as he never prioritised us and was always out with his friends, working late and literally joining every social situation he could to avoid coming home it seemed.

He does come round the odd night as I keep thinking he might actually realise, however, my DD who is 6 randomly said "is Daddy coming round tonight as I don't want him to come, I want you to live apart"

I literally could never imagine saying that as a child as my Dad was my favourite person in the world and did everything for us. I know I need to maybe take what she says with a pinch of salt and it will not influence my final decision I don't think.

OP posts:

Gowlett · 23/02/2024 01:01

When you say he comes round, do you mean that you’re still sleeping with him? In the hope that he’ll “realise” & become the perfect partner & husband… I’d take your child’s comment at face value. It must be quite confusing for her.

Gowlett · 23/02/2024 01:01

Partner & father.

Trulyme · 23/02/2024 06:13

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 23/02/2024 00:52

As a complete stranger on the internet, I'm confused about how you feel about your relationship with your husband, so how your poor child feels, I really can't imagine. You say you kicked him out because he didn't prioritise his family, but he's still not prioritising you, so why put up with him keep popping in? If you didn't like it the way it was, then surely it's over, as nothing appears to have changed, but perhaps your child prefers you on your own, as maybe you're not constantly fretting about what excuse he's going to come up with next, or whether you need to cook dinner for him, etc. I think you need to have a serious think about what it is that you REALLY want from this man, you either want him in your life, or you don't, and if you don't, then separate, and be done with it. At least then your poor child will be able to have some sort of routine, whereas at present, she's really unsure of what's going on, and is trying to tell you so.

I completely agree.

LightSwerve · 23/02/2024 06:28

Goolash89 · 22/02/2024 19:24

We never argue, The only thing I can think of is that I let her stay up a bit later!

It really isn't something I want to hear as when she says negative things about I tell her it is not nice at all and that he loves her very much.

Don't shut her down like this. All kids have negative feelings towards their parents, it is normal.

Original poster

Goolash89 · 23/02/2024 07:44

Although I completely agree with what you're saying about her being confused, that is the last thing I want to do. I am trying to do what is best for her. The kids see him now more than ever as like I said he works late, always at hobbies, events etc.

I just keep questioning if my reasons are good enough to end the relationship and m aware I need to make decision. I just don't know what to do for the best. I thought it would be best to tell her he was looking after grandparents house rather than telling her we were splitting and then it didn't happen?

OP posts:

Original poster

Goolash89 · 23/02/2024 07:46

Gowlett · 23/02/2024 01:01

No we do not sleep together, I am miles away from being intimate with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goolash89 · 23/02/2024 07:56

Even before I asked him to leave, DD would say "are you on your own tonight" and would be disappointed when I wasn't

OP posts:

BoohooWoohoo · 23/02/2024 09:39

Yanbu to say that he’s looking after the house but it sounds like you should consider having your h visit on a schedule so that dd doesn’t have to ask if he’s coming round? Is she getting any benefit from these visits? He must be pretty crap for a 6 year old to comment on multiple occasions.

It sounds like you and him are stuck in a fucked up cycle. Why’s he telling you his social plans when you’re not even living together? Time to lay boundaries and tell him that he can do whatever as he’s not living with you and the kids. Don’t fall into his traps when he taunts you with his social plans next time.

You’ve not mentioned any reason to stay with him in your posts btw. He might have been a better man in the past but you and the kids deserve a better man now and in the future.

Moneybum · 23/02/2024 09:49

I said something similar to my mum at that age. i meant it, and was right. When they finally divorced my mum and me were happier.

but my home life won’t be hers and her motivations could come from all over the place.

you need to make the decision evaluating what you need and on her behalf. Involving her with too much discussion could make her feel responsible in some way and it is decision for an adult. Good luck x

Sweetheart7 · 23/02/2024 09:56

How long has he been out of the house? It could be a one OP just move on from it. I agree it's confusing and given your reasons for splitting up I would give your DH the full lead so you have time for yourself. Let him do a full weekend or 1 day to start with at least without you round. Why is he coming to visit? He's not going to learn is he!

JasminShire · 23/02/2024 10:09

Is your partner aware of your feelings towards the situation?

FictionalCharacter · 23/02/2024 10:21

GalileoHumpkins · 22/02/2024 19:02

Do you argue a lot when you're together?
I might have said that as someone who grew up with parents who had regular shouting matches. The atmosphere at home was often horrendous and a lot of time was spent wondering when it would kick off again. Even six year olds can pick up on a bad atmosphere and prefer it if one parent isn't there.

Same here. It was such a relief to leave home. They should have split years before they eventually did.
@Goolash89 this separated-but-not-really arrangement is no good for any of you, certainly not your child.

BobbyBiscuits · 23/02/2024 12:09

I think that's a normal thing. A lot of little kids feel closer to their mum. Especially as you say he was often out and not active in your lives enough. She probably likes having you to herself, seeming more relaxed. She may also like seeing him in a structured way elsewhere rather than wondering where he is or why not at home. She obviously sensed all wasn't well between you both in the home together.

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