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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends big birthday no invite

40 replies

mickey54 · 22/02/2024 16:37

Aibu to feel really hurt by friend? A long term friend has a big birthday this year. I have been asking her if she wants to go away or go out suggesting various ideas however all she has been saying is I don’t know.
so today she tells me she is going away when I asked about an event to go to, I just happened to say with the kids etc and she said with friends. To the place where I got married overseas. She has other sets of friends who she has known less time but they are in a group. So assume these friends.

I feel really really upset that this trip is obviously where she has chosen for her big bday as she came to my wedding. It’s just after her birthday. So presume she is doing this instead. But I feel really upset she has dismissed me and almost rubbed salt in the wounds albeit she prob wouldn’t see it like this.
I feel like she is not the good friend I feel she is too me. AIBU and stupid.
I have not said anything else to her since she told me this.

OP posts:
Rialoulou · 22/02/2024 17:32

Kindly, YABU. you're not in that circle of friends. My friends sometimes do things with other friends. You can't expect an invite to their holiday!

TenderChicken · 22/02/2024 17:44

I also think you are being unreasonable. You are making her birthday a bit about you. It's her birthday, if she wants to go on a trip with a different group of friends, there isn't anything wrong with that.

I understand being hurt that you weren't who she wants to celebrate with, but there could be various reasons why she prefers a trip with this group.

pictoosh · 22/02/2024 17:49

I don't think it's a slight on you. She is allowed to pick her own birthday celebration and to have other friends. It's a group holiday and given you aren't part of the group, you haven't been included. So far so normal.

IncognitoUsername · 22/02/2024 17:53

It’s a bit odd to pick the place you got married - do you mean the same country or the exact same hotel? Has she organised it herself or is there a partner who she may have mentioned that she loved that place and it’s been organised for her?

thaisweetchill · 22/02/2024 17:58

I think YABU. They're a different set of friends why would you be invited? I have four best friends from all different parts of my life I never do anything with all of them at once.

Original poster
mickey54 · 22/02/2024 19:04

It isn’t the fact she is doing it with other friends more the fact she hadn’t responded to any request from me to do anything at all then seemed a bit secretive about actually saying what she is doing. Then to choose my wedding place (town in Italy) when she came to my wedding all a bit strange and upsetting it would be ok if she had maybe wanted to so something with me but I’m thinking perhaps she doesn’t value our friendship ☹️

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 22/02/2024 19:05

I think it's off to be all vague and I don't know to your face whilst planning a trip with other people.

Original poster
mickey54 · 22/02/2024 19:07

@Isthisexpected thsnk you yes just this ☹️

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2024 19:09

mickey54 · 22/02/2024 19:04

It isn’t the fact she is doing it with other friends more the fact she hadn’t responded to any request from me to do anything at all then seemed a bit secretive about actually saying what she is doing. Then to choose my wedding place (town in Italy) when she came to my wedding all a bit strange and upsetting it would be ok if she had maybe wanted to so something with me but I’m thinking perhaps she doesn’t value our friendship ☹️

Edited

Omg you don't own the town now!! She visited there for a wedding, really liked the town and is now going again. She doesn't need to take you or ask your permission. I got married in Shrewsbury. Should I take umbrage with anyone who knows me who visits?

Rainraingoaway21 · 22/02/2024 19:11

I get why you're hurt OP. I celebrated mine several times with different groups of people! One thing with family and 2 other events with 2 different friend groups. It would have been nice for her to say about doing something separate with you, especially as you'd been asking. It didn't have to mean going away.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 22/02/2024 19:11

Its not your wedding town, its a holiday destination.

She probably doesn't want to arrange anything else around that time because she will be skint and felt awkward saying so.

The fact you're taking her birthday as a personal slight against you says it all really.

ZebraPensAreLife · 22/02/2024 19:13

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2024 19:09

Omg you don't own the town now!! She visited there for a wedding, really liked the town and is now going again. She doesn't need to take you or ask your permission. I got married in Shrewsbury. Should I take umbrage with anyone who knows me who visits?

Show quote history

Yes. You now own Shrewsbury. Congratulations!

Original poster
mickey54 · 22/02/2024 19:13

@Rainraingoaway21 thank you just this we all have different friends but I consider her to be a long term friend ☹️ and ti say nothing when her bday is a few weeks has got me down x

OP posts:
chiwwy · 22/02/2024 19:16

mickey54 · 22/02/2024 19:04

It isn’t the fact she is doing it with other friends more the fact she hadn’t responded to any request from me to do anything at all then seemed a bit secretive about actually saying what she is doing. Then to choose my wedding place (town in Italy) when she came to my wedding all a bit strange and upsetting it would be ok if she had maybe wanted to so something with me but I’m thinking perhaps she doesn’t value our friendship ☹️

Edited

But if it’s a big birthday she may want to celebrate with a group of friends rather than one friend that’s not part of the group?

The idea of celebrating a big birthday fills my introverted heart with horror but even I can see a lot of people like to celebrate in groups.

And you know you’re being unreasonable about the town, just because you got married there doesn’t mean you have to be invited there for all events.

Maybe this is a sign that you should focus on other friendships.

pictoosh · 22/02/2024 19:17

She may have liked the holiday destination town when she visited. That's ok. It's not your special place now...it's for anyone to go.

She may have been secretive because she didn't want to say, 'actually my birthday plans are with other people, sorry' for fear of offending you.

Why not do what everyone else does for their friends' birthdays and treat her to dinner/lunch/cocktails/whatever on another date?

Original poster
mickey54 · 22/02/2024 19:17

@chiwwy its not really the point of where it is . It’s the fact it’s been bit secretive when there is no need. But yes agree about focussing on other friends x

OP posts:
chiwwy · 22/02/2024 19:17

ZebraPensAreLife · 22/02/2024 19:13

Yes. You now own Shrewsbury. Congratulations!

Show quote history

Dibs on Hampshire

AstralSpace · 22/02/2024 19:18

It is hurtful that she seems to be avoiding any celebration with you and it looks like you have a different opinion of your friendship than she does.
I would step back.

chiwwy · 22/02/2024 19:18

mickey54 · 22/02/2024 19:17

@chiwwy its not really the point of where it is . It’s the fact it’s been bit secretive when there is no need. But yes agree about focussing on other friends x

Ah ok. I can see why that’s hurtful.

It’s ok to take a step back for a while.

Don’t send her a birthday card or present.

Original poster
mickey54 · 22/02/2024 19:37

@AstralSpace thank you I agree x

OP posts:
gmgnts · 22/02/2024 20:25

I have a big birthday coming this year and have decided to go away with DH, just the two of us - in the past, I've had parties and celebrations for big birthdays, but I feel there's too much scope for upsetting people if they get left out. I'm sorry you've been excluded. It must be very hurtful Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 22/02/2024 20:35

It sounds as if she knew you’d be unhappy about her choosing to go with her other friends hence not being upfront.

If she’s a good and valued friend then swallow your pride and ask if you can arrange another date for a birthday lunch/ drinks. It’s very normal to have different celebrations with various friends.

Original poster
mickey54 · 22/02/2024 20:45

@gmgnts thank you x

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 22/02/2024 20:47

mickey54 · 22/02/2024 19:04

It isn’t the fact she is doing it with other friends more the fact she hadn’t responded to any request from me to do anything at all then seemed a bit secretive about actually saying what she is doing. Then to choose my wedding place (town in Italy) when she came to my wedding all a bit strange and upsetting it would be ok if she had maybe wanted to so something with me but I’m thinking perhaps she doesn’t value our friendship ☹️

Edited

Maybe she feels overwhelmed by your requests?

I would have mentioned it once then left it

Original poster
mickey54 · 22/02/2024 20:47

@MatildaTheCat yes I think maybe now she does feel awkward she hasn’t mentioned it before. I feel a bit like I’ve asked three times and I even text asking if she wanted me to help arrange a party for her as she was contemplating this but she doesn’t want one .

OP posts: