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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Any mention of my husbands family turns into an argument

48 replies

natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 07:39

It's been a challenging start with my relationship with my husband's family. Despite apologies for their initial behaviour, things haven't fully recovered. Recently, I overheard my husband discussing me in a negative way to his family. He since apologised and explained that he always feels caught up in-between me and his family and this is something I don’t want for him. So I had agreed I would visit his family with our baby but explained that I would need reassurance from him to help ease my anxiety. I assumed we had turned a corner but then the discussion around visiting his family came up with no mention of me and our DD.
Despite feeling hurt I didn’t mention anything and he went to visit his family for a weekend. In the meantime my family were shocked that I didn’t go with him but I didn’t tell them that I wasn’t invited. I ended up confronting him about this last night, which led to a heated argument where I felt my perspective wasn't understood and was misrepresented. I'm left unsure about the way forward, as discussions even touched on separation. Am I unreasonable in expecting my husband to understand my anxiety and provide reassurance?

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 22/02/2024 07:41

I don’t get this.
why do you want to see them if you don’t get on with them?

i send my DH on his own to see his mother because I don’t like her 😬

also none of this can be new… you let, married and have a child! You must know what his family is like!

Tempnamechng · 22/02/2024 07:45

Your husband is a dick if he get caught up in beating you just to please his parents. I find that odd and it wouldn't make me feel safe. It's as though he is playing you off against each other and perhaps he is the reason the relationship with them is difficult.
It's fine for him to have a relationship with the separate to you, if you don't get on with them. It's their loss though, because they won't have the bond with their grandchildren.

Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 07:45

@GreatGateauxsby thanks for responding.
I would love to cut all ties but I also don't want there to be any awkwardness and I don't want my husband to feel he is stuck in the middle. I would also like my daughter to have a relationship with her dad's side of the family. They also visit us occasionally so in the future I don't want it to be awkward.

OP posts:
Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 22/02/2024 07:48

Do you want to stay with them for an entire weekend?

GabriellaMontez · 22/02/2024 07:49

Have you asked him why you weren't invited?

Why weren't you honest with your family?

Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 07:49

Tempnamechng · 22/02/2024 07:45

Your husband is a dick if he get caught up in beating you just to please his parents. I find that odd and it wouldn't make me feel safe. It's as though he is playing you off against each other and perhaps he is the reason the relationship with them is difficult.
It's fine for him to have a relationship with the separate to you, if you don't get on with them. It's their loss though, because they won't have the bond with their grandchildren.

Yes you're right I think he should just have a relationship with them separate from me however this isn't something I ever wanted for my children. I grew up surrounded by my cousins and siblings which wasn't the case for him. I wanted my DD to experience growing up with her cousins but i guess she will always have my side of the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 07:53

He said he didn't want to invite me as I made a comment to him that he spends way too much time on the phone to his sister. I don't get how that is even relevant as either way if he wanted us to go he would have asked.
To be honest I don't want to go but wanted to help build bridges and this would have been a start I thought.

OP posts:
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/02/2024 07:54

What did you hear him saying about you? I think there is a lack of communication between you. He is defensive of his family when he should be defensive of his wife and mother of his child!!

Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 07:58

I heard him on the baby monitor saying that I have only agreed to go to Ireland for two days and how he doesn't see the point in returning with a baby for only two nights. He also said he doesn't want to sit there and watch my "sour face". He has since apologised and said he was ashamed for speaking about me in this way and the reason he felt this way was because he felt stuck between us. This is why I made the decision that I wouldn't do that to him so I will go back to Ireland with him but just need his reasurance as I will have anxiety about going.

OP posts:
p1ppyL0ngstocking · 22/02/2024 08:00

To me it sounds like he just wanted a lazy weekend, so ditched you.

It's a lot easier to run back to mum & dads for a carefree weekend, rather than stay at home and do 50% of childcare for an 18month old and 50% of the cooking, cleaning etc whilst home.

He could have taken his DC with him and given you a free weekend, but he couldn't be arsed.

DifferentAlgebra · 22/02/2024 08:02

This sounds like a total mess. How long have you been with your husband? You mention a ‘challenging start’ to your relationship with his family, but presumably that was a fair while ago if you’re married with a baby how?

GabriellaMontez · 22/02/2024 08:05

Are things generally good between you? How long have you been together?

Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 08:10

We have been together 5 years. I don't believe he wanted a relaxing weekend because he's not a lazy dad. He always helps out at home and does his fair share. Apart from this one issue things are good between us. He is a good husband and a great dad to our DD but i do feel he neglects my emotional needs. I have suggested councelling which he refuses to even entertain.

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Newestname002 · 22/02/2024 08:13

@natureandsunshine

In the meantime my family were shocked that I didn’t go with him but I didn’t tell them that I wasn’t invited.

You need someone supporting you, OP. Even if they don't speak to him about your parents could have given you comfort if they knew the real situation. Where do your parents live - perhaps you could have spent the weekend with them either at your house or theirs?

Your husband really doesn't sound nice at all, slagging you off to his closest relatives. I doubt he'll stop - he'll just continue on his visits with them or he'll make sure he's nowhere near a baby monitor so you can hear. 🌹

Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 08:24

I ended up telling my sister yesterday as she asked me straight up. She and my family assumed I was being difficult because of the previous incident that happened when I went back a few years ago. I explained that had I been asked I would have gone. I think because I spoke about it I became emotional and this is why I then brought it up with my husband, even though I now regret it.
My family live close by and I'm very close to them and spent most of the weekend with them.

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 22/02/2024 08:29

So you regularly see your family and he's not allowed to go to see his? 2 nights wouldn't be long if he doesn't see them often I'm not suprised he wanted to go longer. The comment of him being on the phone to his sister too long is very telling are you controlling? What incident happened previously? The fact your own family thought you were being difficult is very telling. I suspect we aren't getting a full picture here.

Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 08:33

@PrimalOwl10 I have no issues with him seeing his family in fact when he was booking his flights I told him to go for longer. The comment about him being on the phone to his sister was completely taken out of context but yes I understand why you may think that with such little information.
My family live 5 minutes away his family are in another country so of course I'm going to see my family. My mum also helps us with child care, if we have plans for the evening, so yes my family are very much involved and this is why I was trying to savage some sort of relationship with his family as I want the same for my daughter on both sides.

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 22/02/2024 08:37

Op your telling us about the incident that happened context is key here

PrimalOwl10 · 22/02/2024 08:37

Your not*

Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 08:42

So the incident regarding his sister happened when our daughter had her first injections which also happened to be on my birthday. He spend the entire day texting his daughter back and forth calling her when I needed help with DD. I mentioned to him on the day, that your family take up too much of your time. He never mentioned this again until yesterday. He also works 6 days a week so yes on that particular day I did want him present with his family.

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Notgivingup54 · 22/02/2024 08:51

I think you need to accept that he is probably just going to have a separate relationship with his family. I understand you want this to be different but we don't all have the same family experiences and you can't force something that's just not there. I would refrain from any negative comments about his family, let him bring it up if he wants to. He may change his feelings as your child grows & want his family to have more contact. Don't let it eat you up or ruin your relationship. Families can be notoriously difficult and sometimes it's better to just withdraw, you live your lives and let them live theirs.

Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 09:04

@Notgivingup54 I will accept that if he says that's what he wants. I have no issue stepping back and not trying to savage a relationship for his family but I explained to him previously I would try for the sake of our daughter and for him. Problem is he never discussing this issue with me and if we could have an open and honest discussion it wouldn't get to this extreme but he always gets very defensive even if I mention his family.

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PrimalOwl10 · 22/02/2024 09:06

Daughter or sister? I've had 3 kids who had injections they didn't require 2 adults op. What if one of your family needed you would you have been pleased if your dh was dismissive and told you, you were too involved with them. They don't live in the same country op so he doesn't get to see them. What was the reason for the call?

Allfur · 22/02/2024 09:10

He should be putting your needs first and trying to build bridges

Original poster
natureandsunshine · 22/02/2024 09:13

PrimalOwl10 · 22/02/2024 09:06

Daughter or sister? I've had 3 kids who had injections they didn't require 2 adults op. What if one of your family needed you would you have been pleased if your dh was dismissive and told you, you were too involved with them. They don't live in the same country op so he doesn't get to see them. What was the reason for the call?

My daughter had her first injections and she had a temperature and was crying. I needed him present to help with getting calpol and helping me to ensure she was comfortable. This is my first baby so it was all new to us both. I understand what you are saying and I do try and see things from his perspective so yes can see how it could have come off as dismissive of his sister but I just wanted him to prioritise us if that makes sense.

OP posts: