Any mention of my husbands family turns into an argument

[natureandsunshine]

It's been a challenging start with my relationship with my husband's family. Despite apologies for their initial behaviour, things haven't fully recovered. Recently, I overheard my husband discussing me in a negative way to his family. He since apologised and explained that he always feels caught up in-between me and his family and this is something I don’t want for him. So I had agreed I would visit his family with our baby but explained that I would need reassurance from him to help ease my anxiety. I assumed we had turned a corner but then the discussion around visiting his family came up with no mention of me and our DD.
Despite feeling hurt I didn’t mention anything and he went to visit his family for a weekend. In the meantime my family were shocked that I didn’t go with him but I didn’t tell them that I wasn’t invited. I ended up confronting him about this last night, which led to a heated argument where I felt my perspective wasn't understood and was misrepresented. I'm left unsure about the way forward, as discussions even touched on separation. Am I unreasonable in expecting my husband to understand my anxiety and provide reassurance?

@Allfur yes this is exactly what I asked of him.

'Recently, I overheard my husband discussing me in a negative way to his family.'

I couldn't be with someone who was not in my corner.

You now know that if there is a side to be taken it won't be yours.

From what he says it sounds like he was venting that if you go there you will sit looking grumpy the whole time. OP you haven't said why there is actually so much friction with you and his family which I think is key here. I'm assuming you're in the wrong if you won't say why. Yes I also get you'll spend more time with your family as you live by them but he's allowed to go without you to see his, maybe he didn't want to go and there will be a row or maybe his family asked you not to come. But that all depends on what's actually happened

You’ve got your family, just around the corner it seems.

Can’t you let your husband have his, occasionally?

It doesn’t sound as if they have done anything dreadful to you, your original incident was apparently about your demand that he prioritise you and your daughter, nothing that they did as such. You don’t like him talking to his sister for ‘ a long time’, but your family do childcare…..

Time to press reset on this issue, OP.

The original incident happened when I went to Ireland his mum was very abusive towards me I was pregnant at the time and didn't say anything back (I lost that baby). Since then she has apologised but I still have anxiety about going back and this is where I have asked for his reassurance because I don't want him to feel he has to choose sides. I have no issue with him going to see his family on his own.

@natureandsunshine So what bad words have you had with either his parents or his sister to create these feelings you are having? why would he be texting his sister when you need his help? too much info missing to make any kind of judgement. None of what you have said really tells us why you have not been invited to his parents!!!

I've not had bad words with them I don't say anything back as I don't feel it's my place but I do say it to my husband. The reason I have never said anything back is because I never wanted my children to not have a relationship with both sides of the family. He says that he didn't invite me because he said I didn't want to go anyway, which I don't disagree with but I would do it for him and his daughter sake and I need to go there in order to not always get anxious about being around them. This was all explained to him when I overheard him talking about me to his family. I feel instead of trying to mend the broken relationship with his family he has helped to make it worse.

What did his mother say to you op context us key here.

This was the first time she had met me and at the end of the weekend, whilst she was drunk, she said she doesn't like me she doesn't want me and my husband to be together , she said I would take him for everything even though he has no assets and I do and we actually live in one of my parents house. I think it was a combination of racism and her being scared of losing her son and that's why she said such things. My husband stuck up for me because all of this was said in his presence whilst I stayed quiet. She has since apologised and even been over to visit us, she has been over to visit us which always causes me anxiety but I never say anything and just go along with it. I have not been back since this incident.

Well he should fuck himself royally. By the way, he does not feel stuck - he wants to bitch about you to please his mother. It’s sick. And it will never end because it’s his parents and he can act like a twat but then point the finger at you and claim you’re making things difficult between them and him. - he doesn’t have your back now, he’s telling you he cares more about them than you. Trust me, it will never change.

ps also how unattractive a fully grown man can’t stand up for what or who he believes in, and chooses instead to be weak and two-faced? Cowardly as well as a crap husband - you can do better love

This was the first time she had met me and at the end of the weekend, whilst she was drunk, she said she doesn't like me she doesn't want me and my husband to be together , she said I would take him for everything even though he has no assets and I do and we actually live in one of my parents house. I think it was a combination of racism and her being scared of losing her son and that's why she said such things.

I would not want the racist bitch in my house.

Tell DH he can visit her but she is not welcome in your home.

You said he 'texted his daughter', your daughter with him is a baby and could not text with him, so does he have another daughter with someone else/your step daughter?

Regardless, he sounds truly selfish. He needs to be told that when he marries, he leaves his former family behind and enters a family with you and your family is the family that he has now and takes precedence. The fact he won't communicate with you and gets defensive spells problems for your marriage. I would give him an ultimatum; he either agrees to go to marriage counselling, or you divorce. Plain and simple. And if that happens, he'll have to find someone else to live as it's your parents house, so that will really make him not look a gift horse in the mouth and agree. That's what you do; ultimatum time. This is not the 1940s, he needs to know real men in 2024 agree to counselling.

I think that was a typo for ‘sister’.

Apologies I meant he was on the phone texting his sister all day. He doesn't have any other children but my daughter.
Right now I want to give him this ultimatum but I'm not sure if it's just because emotions are so raw right now, and if I will later regret it. I always wanted my daughter to have a two parent family although I'm fully aware in the long run I maybe showing her that it's is acceptable to accept such behaviour in a relationship.

Family dynamics are hard. But he should be making sure you feel comfortable and supported.

He should be trying to build bridges between you and his family, not burning them.

Does he want you to have a relationship with them? Surely for everyone, including you & your child, it's easier if everyone can be civil.

I would not want to civil with a racist.

What's the other option? Go NC?

OP has made it clear she doesn't want that.

This is exactly what I wanted for our families sake. I also hate any sort of hostility and I wanted to get to a point where I feel comfortable with being around his family but I explained this will take me time but as long as he has my back and can reassure me I am willing to try. However, this has shown me that he doesn't seem as concerned about it even though he has previously said this is what he wants for us.

In your shoes I would definitely give up on trying to get on with his family, especially if his mother is racist - out of interest, what race are you?

I'd also seriously be reconsidering my marriage to this man - he seems fundamentally unable to fully 'launch' away from his family of origin, to realise that you and his daughter should be his number one priority now. To add to that, he also seems more than willing to 'throw you under the bus' to them, which is extremely distasteful and doesn't bode well for the future. He shows all signs of being a very weak and cowardly man.

If you are determined to stay with him, I definitely wouldn't be having any further children with him.

I'm British born Indian.
You have raised some valid points and I have a lot of thinking to do on a way to move forward from this.

So why are you allowed to talk about him to your sister but he’s not with his sister?

What reassurances are you expecting? His mom said some mean things years ago, apologized, hasn’t don’t it since, but you keep using it as a stick to beat him with and keep his family shut out.

Lived in Ireland for 15 years. Irish in-laws can be lethal. They hold grudges like no one else I know. A lot of Irish men are total Mummies boys. He probably just wanted a nice relaxing weekend in the pub with his mates and being fussed over by his Mammy. Leave baby with him for the weekend and go visit your parents. Wouldn't let him take my child to Ireland without me. He will leave the child with mean Mammy and enjoy himself with friends. My exs neices and nephews are still traumatised by things the grandmother said.

Ps A lot of lder Irish people are extremely racist. An uncle of my ex married a Chinese women in America. He left her and came back to Ireland when his son visited he barely let him out of the door because he looked to chinese. He had to go jogging at night. His daughter looked more western she was warned mot to say her mother was Chinese. It was OK to say his ex wife was a doctor tho. Parts of Ireland really didn't see anyone who wasn't white until the last 20 years.