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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this comment a bit off?

51 replies

Thorntone · 21/02/2024 22:01

Today I hosted a team away day, about 40 people in attendance. My line manager manages 3 people and tasked us host a session individually & present to everyone solo. Colleague A went first. I went second.

When my session was over, colleague A said to me “I bet you’re glad that’s over”. I didn’t understand what she meant, as I like presenting and felt it went well. So I replied “I thought it went well” and she replied “oh right, are you sure?”

My line manager came over to compliment me on the presentation and gave me good feedback, well done etc. He didn’t do this with the other colleagues who presented.

The audience were really engaged and everyone interacted, I was able to get through everything I wanted to, the pacing was fine, my session ran the full slot, people said they thought it was interesting. So in my opinion, nothing went wrong. Looking back, I feel like colleague A’s comments were to just knock my confidence? Aibu?

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 21/02/2024 22:07

From what you've said it does sound like Colleague A was trying to knock your confidence. Maybe she felt your session went better than hers?

Healthyhappymama · 21/02/2024 22:07

If you felt everything went well , I'm sure it was. It could have been said to knock your confidence or perhaps colleague A felt herself she was glad it was over so assumed you felt the same way?

LauderSyme · 21/02/2024 22:10

Taking everything you've said at face value, yes, Colleague A sounds jealous and toxic.

Original poster
Thorntone · 21/02/2024 22:13

Healthyhappymama · 21/02/2024 22:07

If you felt everything went well , I'm sure it was. It could have been said to knock your confidence or perhaps colleague A felt herself she was glad it was over so assumed you felt the same way?

It’s more her comment “are you sure it went well” that’s bugging me, because she said it in a pointed tone with a confused look - enough for me to ponder whether it went badly!

we’re not close and I’ve never told her that I feel nervous presenting nor is she someone I go to for support generally, so I don’t think she was giving me reassurance or anything

OP posts:
Acapulco12 · 21/02/2024 22:15

Healthyhappymama · 21/02/2024 22:07

If you felt everything went well , I'm sure it was. It could have been said to knock your confidence or perhaps colleague A felt herself she was glad it was over so assumed you felt the same way?

I’m thinking the same thing as Healthyhappymama - I wonder if Colleague A made the ‘bet you’re glad it’s over’ comment because she was relieved it was over.

It sounds like you’ve done really well, as you felt that it had gone well and your manager also congratulated you. Presenting is not an easy task, even if you enjoy it and are good at it, so that’s an extra thing to feel good about. I think you should feel proud of how you’ve done 😊

ImInACage · 21/02/2024 22:17

Personally I'd read that as relating to her part not yours. Her first statement was probably because she was nervous and thinking about how she felt, then when you said it went well, she probably thought you were meaning her presentation, to which she needed reassurance, so asked if you were sure. I may be reading that completely wrong, but I don't think I'd jump to it being toxic, or trying to knock your confidence.

DifferentAlgebra · 21/02/2024 22:18

I wouldn’t leap to assuming malice. It’s perfectly possible she loathes presenting, gets really nervous, and doesn’t have your certainty that it went well afterwards, and assumes others feel similar.

Original poster
Thorntone · 21/02/2024 22:21

CherrySocks · 21/02/2024 22:07

From what you've said it does sound like Colleague A was trying to knock your confidence. Maybe she felt your session went better than hers?

so she did a game of “guess the lie” whereas I did an entire presentation on personal development including activities and interaction. The audience were really engaged & good chats held.

Everyone clapped after my session, they didn’t do that with hers but ultimately it was her choice to go for that game which people wouldn’t generally clap for/ the audience will react differently to. I didn’t bring her down so feels a bit strange for her to make those comments to me!

OP posts:
fitnessmummy · 21/02/2024 22:27

ImInACage · 21/02/2024 22:17

Personally I'd read that as relating to her part not yours. Her first statement was probably because she was nervous and thinking about how she felt, then when you said it went well, she probably thought you were meaning her presentation, to which she needed reassurance, so asked if you were sure. I may be reading that completely wrong, but I don't think I'd jump to it being toxic, or trying to knock your confidence.

💯 this

Mementomorissons · 21/02/2024 22:27

Hmm, it sounds like she's saying bet you're glad it's over as in 'the pressure's off now' and 'are you sure it went well?' could either mean her worrying that HER bit didn't go well and she was nervous, or it was just a poor choice of words and she was just saying words for the sake of it (I'm guilty of this, I know it's terrible).

Basically, if the person is generally nice to you, ignore it. If they always make you feel like they're trying to put you down, then you're instincts are probably right

Invisablepanic · 21/02/2024 22:29

To me, her asking if you were glad it was over just sound like a standard phrase after presenting, something which most people don't enjoy. You not responding in the way she was expecting possibly caught her off guard and she then said something a bit silly that she didn't really mean to come out in that way.

If she's generally fine, I wouldn't take it to heart.

Original poster
Thorntone · 21/02/2024 22:29

Thanks! There is a massive history of her being patronising/rude etc so it’s good to get a mix of opinions before I react. Not that I would “react” in terms of confronting her - more that her comment made me feel shit in the moment.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 21/02/2024 22:32

I would do this under protest so the comment to me would mean 'I hate this kinda thing so I am glad when it is over so I may make a comment to you about the same'

No i do not think there is anything moe complicated than that with the comment, extracting as much drama out of it as possible wont change it to me

Original poster
Thorntone · 21/02/2024 22:42

WandaWonder · 21/02/2024 22:32

I would do this under protest so the comment to me would mean 'I hate this kinda thing so I am glad when it is over so I may make a comment to you about the same'

No i do not think there is anything moe complicated than that with the comment, extracting as much drama out of it as possible wont change it to me

I get that, what annoyed me was when she asked if I am sure it went well. As if she was suggesting it didn’t? I think you can say a number of generic things to someone after they finished presenting eg “well done” or “thank you” that wouldn’t come across as critical, to a colleague you’re not that familiar with.

OP posts:
Musntapplecrumble · 21/02/2024 23:47

I think she meant her presentation, too. Like,
Are you sure (mine went well)?

Lavenderandbrown · 22/02/2024 00:11

I don’t know OP it’s sounds like a scene from a movie where you say “went well” and she slightly squints head tilts and says..do you now? Patronizing and meant to steal your confidence. Your post indicates you received very positive feedback from multiple sources….the clapping the level of engagement your manager congratulating you and your own overall assessment which is the most important. I would be gracious and non confrontational at this point but she doesn’t sound like a colleague to me. More like a nemesis. I would never express lack of confidence in myself by saying to someone else…oh are you sure? That’s a weird comment meant to literally question the accuracy of your response(I felt it went well )

WandaWonder · 22/02/2024 00:13

I really could not imagine giving this much head space to it

RantyAnty · 22/02/2024 00:25

You're giving this far far too much headspace, just let it go

CloudyHeadLikeLemonade · 22/02/2024 00:29

ImInACage · 21/02/2024 22:17

Personally I'd read that as relating to her part not yours. Her first statement was probably because she was nervous and thinking about how she felt, then when you said it went well, she probably thought you were meaning her presentation, to which she needed reassurance, so asked if you were sure. I may be reading that completely wrong, but I don't think I'd jump to it being toxic, or trying to knock your confidence.

Yup. I agree with this. I'm Neurodiverse and this is exactly the kind of thing I would say / do. I think this is why I struggle to relate to people and make / maintain relationships and friendships. I'm just self conscious and socially awkward, always second guessing myself.

julili · 22/02/2024 00:33

Well if you know she’s been patronising in the past then there’s your answer, surely?

Asiatoyork · 22/02/2024 03:12

Personally I'd read that as relating to her part not yours. Her first statement was probably because she was nervous and thinking about how she felt, then when you said it went well, she probably thought you were meaning her presentation, to which she needed reassurance, so asked if you were sure. I may be reading that completely wrong, but I don't think I'd jump to it being toxic, or trying to knock your confidence

This was my first thought too.

You got good feedback so even if it was meant badly, you know you did well :)

Coyoacan · 22/02/2024 03:20

That is the sort of comment I would have made as, like most people, I hate public speaking. I'm quite surprised at your interpretation

Lurkingandlearning · 22/02/2024 04:08

I think she was trying to undermine you. You didn’t ask for advice on how to deal with that kind of situation but…

whenever someone puts you in that sort of situation, tell them you don’t quite understand what they mean- can they explain (earnestly).

They then have turn their shitty comment into something else. It will probably tie them in knots.

It’s not easy to remember to do that in the moment but once you get the hang of it, watching them try to back track is great fun.

Eventually they learn to keep that passive aggressive BS to themselves

Lurkingandlearning · 22/02/2024 04:10

Edited previous post

Musntapplecrumble · 22/02/2024 07:20

Musntapplecrumble · 21/02/2024 23:47

I think she meant her presentation, too. Like,
Are you sure (mine went well)?

It's the "Oh, right..." beforehand that makes me think this...if it's a direct quote, of c. But what was the look on her face?!'🫠