Encouraging independence in teens

[Neverendingwinter]

I need a sense check on whether I'm being unreasonable here. We have a 17yo who doesn't go out or ever leave the house other than for college and the occassional after college KFC with friends. I think we should be encouraging a greater level of independence at this age - eg get a PT job, arrange things with mates on a weekend, etc etc. Last week during half term he only left the house to walk the dog (when forced to). I don't think this is in any way healthy, but DH doesn't agree.

What do your teens of that age do outside of their home and what do you do to encourage independence?

I don’t know if this is particularly about independence. I think you need to try and understand why he isn’t going out and see if there is an issue that needs to be addressed.

At 16 my teens had part time work and took themselves places by foot or bike.

By 17 they were responsible for their own washing and at 18 they cooked once or twice a week.

Its a gradual process of standing back and letting them do stuff for themselves.

If they are not sociable and don't like going out is there an underlying reason?

Ds 17 learning to drive, has a part time job. Just been away on his own to a sports training camp. We encourage independence but say that we will be there if anything goes wrong. He does his own washing and will make a meal if asked. He does not go out a huge amount with friends i must admit but does sport etc. i think it is hard at this age as the world can feel like a big place. Small steps and he will get there.

What are DS's plans for after college? If he wants to go to uni away from home, I would certainly start to try and increase his independence by sorting his own travel arrangements, learning to cook and do laundry etc. If he plans to work, I would be encouraging him to get a part time job to put on, and boost, his CV.

I would also be concerned that he might be lonely, or not have any friends. You mention his mates, but he didn't meet up with any of them over half term? I would have a chat with him about this.

At 17, still at school, my DD had a part-time job, or two, saw her friends, went on holiday abroad with her friends. Travelled around the U.K. on her own. Didn’t have any particular hobbies. Also, would cook, do her own washing etc.

Does he live in a place where there’s places to go to?

I have a 17 year old who is on half term and out doing some errands today but at the moment he doesn’t go out long because he hasn’t passed his driving test yet and it’s cold/wer. He’s out most of the day during the summer months.

It’s impossible to judge if it’s independence or his personality that means he stays in. I think that a lot of teens will have spent half term chatting to friends on head sets or catching up on gossip via social media. Does your son go out more during term time ?

My son knows how to get trains, buses and taxis because I went out of my way to teach him. He’s had part-time jobs because he wants more money than the allowance that I give him. He’s seen his older siblings do the same in year 12 so sees getting a job as normal. It’s very common to see people from their school working hospitality and retail at weekends.

PT job is very helpful to develop skills. I think not working at sixth form does them no favours.
Mine also learned to drive.
I’d also encourage a volunteer role - my 18 yr old volunteers one evening a week.
Cooking - get them on rota to cook for the family each week.

They live in a different world to the one we grew up in. I am a 70s child so 3 TV channels growing up and only a small portion of that suitable for my age group. Radio was king. Therefore we went to youth clubs as a place to hang out a couple of times a week. Now everything is at your fingertips and on demand, want to watch a film? Netflix, Amazon, Youtube, no need to pay to go to the cinema, want to chat to your friends? Do it on headsets whilst playing games together. You can see why they don't really need to leave the house. We were often kicked out so my parents could get some peace.

As for independence, mine never had "Saturday" jobs, as far as I was concerned their job was to excel in school. Ds got a summer internship like lots in year 2 of uni that led to a graduate job. Independence in other areas, yes, dishwasher emptying, laundry, cleaning, cooking family dinners, taking bins out, helping with gardening or any other DIY task we asked them to participate in.

Can they read a bus/train timetable? Do they know how to buy a ticket? Can they choose food in supermarkets for weekly shopping? These things are important to foster becoming a functioning adult.

I was against my OH when at 16, all three turn by turn, our children did 6 weeks at their place, summer hols work. I was wrong as it was the best thing and they have been on their two feet since

PT work is a good idea

Dd got a job at 14 and has worked ever since. I've always expected her to be age appropriately independent since starting secondary, plus she's always had lots of autonomy which I think helps. She now at Uni and whilst still financially reliant on me, she's very self-sufficient when it comes to everything else.

Tbh, I think there could be other stuff going on with your son, because no social life and no job at 17 isn't normal and isn't good for him.

We live on the outskirts of a large city and there are buses - he gets himself to college on the bus. He has been encouraged to get a job but nothing happens. I think DH expects him to magically become independent at the age of 18.

He's my DSS, not my son, so I have limited influence. I didn't mention that before as I didn't want the stepmum pile-on.

Mine work.

I insist on it.

They do not see what I see - they are more confident when they work. In command, busy, and kind of thriving. On some level they are proving to themsleves that they can take on their life.
They also get a kick out of going on school trips/ days out or simply buying something for themsleves that I will not (on a point of principal!).

They are not in uni yet.

Difficult as he’s not your child. Has your DH spoken to him about plans for next year?

i assumed you would be asking about a much younger child. My two have been out with friends since around 10 tbh, eg off to the park with a few friends and a football. Have these kind of meet ups not happened at all?

17 can be a tricky age because you are still barred from a lot of pubs and clubs.

Still I was doing stuff like bowling, going to sports events, cinema at that age.

If he is going to uni maybe he can find more of a social life there.

Mine are 13 and 16 and are always making plans. DD16 has taken friends to stay with GPs in London, they go into town, cinema, swimming, play footy, hang out at friends houses, organise sleepovers, have friends over and bake or do homework or watch sports / play Xbox. DD babysits locally

Is he planning to go to uni/apprenticeship?

Mine weren't particularly sociable in the winter months until they could drive themselves.

Buses aren't an attractive option in a rainy winter.

Also my DS mostly games online with his friends, there was no point going round as the each only had one gaming set up.

I don't know what he's doing after college, he doesn't seem to have decided. He's only in his first year of 6th form. I don't think he'll go to uni but who knows. He has no desire to learn to drive. He doesn't do anything in the summer months either.

My kids were like this but we live in the countryside so it was harder to do stuff. They rarely had play dates, sleepovers, parties, no part time jobs. My friends always commented how my kids were coddled/sheltered too much and would never be independent. They are now 21 and 19. One has been living in Japan for over a year and the other is at Uni in America.

I would largely leave him be, other than making sure he gets some fresh air every day and you have a chat and laugh with him every day. No rush to suddenly be an adult.

He sounds like a pretty normal, introverted seventeen year old to me.

What does he do at home?

In the circumstances if you want to encourage independence/moving on I would be inclined to have a conversation along the lines of are you interested in doing anything over the summer/can we support you with helping your uni application look better.

Get him out and about but being supportive.

Lots of summer schools for various subjects, or perhaps you could persuade him to try some hobbies in the interest of "having a more interesting uni application".

Or he could be persuaded to try out some jobs to see if he likes them?

Lack of desire to do anything doesn’t seem normal. Even quieter teens usually have hobbies.
Maybe book a few university open days and go and look together - they start June yr 12. It will at least get conversations started about what next.
I don’t think hours in room all summer is great I’d encourage a job for skills and social side. Plus it’s easier to get a job under 18 in lots of areas, once 18 wages are higher and they expect more experience. I’d recommend McDonalds - pays well and the one my dd works at they put them where suits best so lots of lads do kitchen, she is good with customers so just does headset drive thru.

I have two very quiet teens and one extroverted one. One meets with friends occasionally but not often, yet they have a lovely friendship, I think they're all similar so that works for them. They can do what they need to when they want to go out. One rarely goes out but has asd and has a lot of anxiety about going out so isn't very independent at all. My other is much more extroverted and is out a lot and much more independent, probably more independent than their two older siblings. Sometimes it's just personality. I guess the main thing is, is he happy?

Lack of desire to do anything doesn’t seem normal. Even quieter teens usually have hobbies.

In fairness, she doesn't say he doesn't have hobbies - just that he doesn't leave the house. Loads of hobbies can be done from home.

He just likes gaming - that's it really. Assume that's what he does in his room all day, along with talking to friends online. I just struggle with the concept that he'll magically become independent without some encouragement. DH says he can't put a gun to his head and force him to get out and about but surely there's a middle ground?