To be physically nauseated by breastfeeding my child

[professionalnomad]

I had trouble and a lot of trauma establishing breastfeeding with my first child. It took 8 weeks to fully establish and I combo fed and pumped every three hours until then. I had horrendous guilt and shame. My second daughter has taken to it really well - breastfed straightaway although as I had a medical c-section - it took about 4 weeks to fully establish breastfeeding and combo fed (zero guilt) with pumping. Since then she has been exclusisvely breastfed (now in weaning phase as she is 8 months).

Here is my AIBU. I am physically repulsed by my own breasts. I was 38H before I started breastfeeding this time around and now my breasts are imagineably enormous. As soon as she latched on I start feeling increasingly nauseated at the feeling of fedding. I also can't bear to look at my own breasts as they are just so large and saggy - my nipples hang around my bellybutton so I always need one hand to hold the baby and the other to hold up my breast or she can't stay latched on as the weight of the breast pulls the nipple out of her mouth. I feel so unattractive. All tops are too tight across my chest, I am purposely avoiding my husband seeing me topless. I have started exercising and watching what I eat but my breasts are not deflating (although everywhere else is. (My husband is amazing - he is not pressuring me in any way and is a brilliant husband and father). I have started cutting feeding sessions shot because I just can't bear the feeling and the sight anymore. But this is a vicious circle as my baby feeds more now as she is not being satiated.

AIBU for feeling like this? Or AINBU and other women feel like this too? I honestly feel like stopping but I can't justify it. My baby feeds really well, she is happy and a healthy, I have lots of milk and its only a few more months (my first self-weaned at 14 months). I plan to wean by Christmas if she hasn't shown signs of doing so before hand (she will be 18 months).

Wanting to stop is as good a reason as any, you don’t need to justify it further. From what you’ve said, I don’t think you’d regret stopping.

What would be the plan after stopping? Cosmetic surgery?

Breastfeeding aversion. It’s a thing.

So - the baby is eight months old, you’re disturbed by feeding to the extent you’re cutting sessions short. You don’t need to answer, but why are you still doing it? And you say you’ve got ‘no justification’ - how much justification do you feel you need to stop doing something that’s causing you distress when there are acceptable alternatives?

☝️this

Breastfeeding aversion is a thing and there are many groups online to talk this through with. Some people breastfed through it and others weaned. You CAN stop breastfeeding anytime you want, yes yes breast is best and all that but you've given your child 8 months of breast milk and it's fine if you want to stop.

I had this - feeling nauseous and really negative/depressed about stuff while feeding. I think they call it D-MER if you wanted to look it up and see if it sounds familiar.

For me stopping breastfeeding would have made me feel worse about myself so I carried on and it did lessen, though I would sometimes have waves of it. It helped to realise I only felt that way while feeding. I think making sure you eat and drink enough (and get enough sleep but that's a joke with a baby) is supposed to help.

You're certainly not alone in feeling this way, and it is your choice if you carry on or stop breastfeeding you don't have to justify it to anyone else. Do try to get support if you want to carry on though, this stuff can be hard to get through alone.

You need to look after yourself in this situation also, theres more than just having a fed and happy baby. Your wellbeing is vital.

just give yourself permission to stop. You don't need any justification.

You hate it, just stop.

The nausea can be caused when your body releases oxytocin during a breastfeeding session. I am currently breastfeeding and am allergic to the prolactin the body releases during breastfeeding. I break out in hives everytime I feed and am also nauseous from the oxytocin. The ob had no idea what was wrong( since it is fairly rare) I did my own research and finally found why I was so ill. It may be that unless you're saying your body image is what is solely making you nauseous.

I didn’t feel like this, but have noticed my breast change dramatically with pregnancy, feeding, weaning, weight loss etc.
It’s disconcerting.

What would you like to do? Find a more comfortable way of feeding? When she’s able to sit up you won’t need to worry about supporting everything, or try feeding lying down, or use a cushion or…

stop feeding?

You’ve done an amazing job. You can keep feeding as long as you want- and it sounds like you don’t really want to.

Separately, your breasts will change again and again- they are doing a grand job. Being ornamental isn’t their prime purpose, but it is odd to have body parts that are so variable and so fetishised by the world! That’s a separate issue I think as it won’t change immediately on your stopping feeding.

You've done so well to breastfeed and persevere when your first experience was tough and feeling the way you feel.
No guilt. You've given your baby brilliant start. I breastfed and my boobs looked like deflated little bags after! They have recovered a bit but obviously 3 pregnancies (with big weight gain & loss after)and breastfeeding 3 babies has changed them.

I imagine bigger boobs must feel a lot more cumbersome when feeding. If you've had enough and its that mentally hard for you you can stop. Without feeling guilty. Be kind to yourself.

As others have said. Just stop. I've experienced breastfeeding aversion (in different circumstances to you) and it's extremely distressing and upsetting. I actually wanted to physically fling my child off me. Every fibre of my being was yelling at me to stop and I had to grit my teeth for every second of it. I just had to stop. The feelings of guilt may still continue but it's not worth the sacrifice to your mental health. You've already done several
Months of feeding. You've done what you can and you've done the best by your baby. Now give yourself permission to stop.

Stop breastfeeding and start saving for a breast reduction 😁

I know the most used parenting advice is always "breast is best" but I prefer "do what works until it stops". For everything but also breastfeeding.

Just because you are able to breastfeed doesn't mean you must. You've done incredibly well, but if it isn't working for you then you are allowed to stop.

In terms of body image, I understand what you've posted. I've always had comedy size breaststroke and they got bigger after breastfeeding. I've accepted them now, they just are the size they are. I buy bigger tshirts and learnt what to wear that makes me feel good about myself. A huge thing was moving away from breastfeeding bras - no support and made me feel like a dairy cow. I learnt how to scoop 36Ks up and over a wired cup. It meant that my clothes were about me and not feeding my child.

The time after giving birth is full of so many body changes, not all good, not all bad. Learning what you look like now and getting used to yourself takes time but will be worth it.

Sorry, but gently, of you have a problem with your breasts, you have a problem with your breasts. Could it be that you're repulsed by them anyway and not just while breastfeeding?
Again I'm not saying I know the answers but maybe stopping breastfeeding isn't the answer because breastfeeding isn't the main problem?

I would also consider a breast reduction after finishing bf, you'll be so much more comfortable!

You boobs will go down when you stop feeding. And nipples do go back to normal.
My tits look like old teabags now... firmly keeping my bra on until I'm in the ground.

Of course you can justify it, you don't like it. You've done amazing to get this far, you don't need anyone's permission to wean her or put her on bottles.

I actually couldn’t stand it. I persevered and felt just sick to my stomach. Oddly low and like I wasn’t myself. It was very very far from bonding. I couldn’t really say exactly what it was - but loved feeding my baby a bottle and when we moved on the feeling went straight away.

Second baby I didn’t even attempt to do it again and had a wonderful experience enjoying her baby years. I burst into tears at the prospect of doing it and the midwife hugged me and told me to forget trying ( loveliest midwife in the world)

This was my first thought when I read your post, although I couldn’t recall what it was called. It sounds like you have some body image issues too but there may be physiological processes that are causing these feeling. Plus it sounds physically challenging, bf can be hard enough! It’s ok to cut back or stop, if that’s what you want.

I absolutely loathed my boobs whilst breastfeeding. I was a 32/4 L and it was just awful. I had so much bloody milk it just was spurting everywhere all the time and I just felt like a cow. Literally.
They went back to vaguely pre baby size after bf but were just very heavy and caused a lot of shoulder pain. Eventually about 12 years later I got a boob reduction. I wish I'd done it earlier. It absolutely transformed me. I don't think people understand how awful big boobs are in terms of pain, inconvenience and how you feel unattractive when they are down around your stomach!
Just to say OP your feels are not unusual and do what's right for you including stopping bf. You've done a great start for your baby already!

Wow -thank you so much everyone for your kind and supportive responses. There is a lot to be said for just knowing you are not the only one in the boat - there are others with you.

@boomingaround I know exactly what you mean - I feel exactly the same way - strongly fight the urge to push my child off me.

@Youdrivemecrazymagic your words really resonate with how I feel - I think stopping would make me feel worse. I had such a struggle the first time round and that trauma has really stayed with me.

I should also mention I don't live in the UK. I live somewhere where formula is not commonplace and prohibitively expensive. Breastfeeding really is the more sensible option just in terms of finances and availability.

I have never been the biggest fan of my boobs (or body in general) but the feelings I have been experiencing since the baby was born were definitely different to the general unhappiness I have with my figure. I like the idea of having a breast reduction a lot and have brought it up with my husband. He thinks it would also be a good idea just because I am suffering with the extra weight along my back, neck and shoulders right now.

@Anameisaname @Hiddendoor I am the same milk wise! The only bras that fit me are these Bravado XXL bras I got off Amazon. I put one one in the morning and have to wear it for 24 hours. Then I change the following morning into a clean one. It is too painful and I leak too much milk (even now) to go without a bra. They are horrendously unflattering - think giant monoboob with no support and breasts only marginally higher than if I din't have one one!

Thank you to those that suggested D-Mer and breastfeeding aversion - I'm going to do some serious Googling to see if there are any things I can do to help with my feelings.

I really appreciate everyone that took the time to reply. And especially those of you that were very open and vulnerable about your own experiences. Thank you for sharing with me.

I took great pleasure in binning my nursing bras when it was over. I also lived in them 24x7 and hated them with a passion.

Honestly the boob job is worth looking in to. My scars are barely visible 5 years later and my shoulder pain all gone !

Your baby is eight months- that’s an amazing stretch of bf even if you didn’t have all of these issues. With them, you’ve done beyond incredibly.

I would definitely stop now. I think if you can be bf in some form until solids start that’s fantastic as the baby will be used to things that don’t taste the same every time already (as in formula milk, whilst perfectly fine and lifesaving for many, has the downside of always tasting the same, but the solids won’t so that’s good).

To put it lightly. Bloody stop breastfeeding. You have done amazing. Obviously though if formula is expensive where your living can you order online from Amazon etc?

If not and you can't afford the formula is there a way you can hang on 4 more months as perhaps having a goal that's not very far away will help you with this?

Also what about wearing long oversized t shirts with something like leggings and when your breastfeed you can just pop baby under your top so you don't need to see your breast? And do you use a nursing blanket there are lovely online

Just wanted to say also that you may hate your boobs but they have fed your baby and they are 'mum boobs' wear them with pride. You are and have done incrediable

@Anameisaname I actually went to bravissimo after finishing breastfeeding my first when I was back in the UK and bought 5 gorgeous new bras. I got to wear them for less than a year before I was pregnant again! They are now languising in a suitcase in the basement - I must admit wearing them made me feel a lot better than these horrid nursing bras do.

@handfulofsugar Unfortunately one of the few places where Amazon isn't really a thing yet and formula is just not widely available - only sold in certain pharmacies and it tends to go to mums who cannot breastfeed for whatever reason. I do like your suggestion of long tops and leggings though - I am going to have a look for a couple. I'll also see what a nursing blanket is and whther it is something I can get here. I do need to hang on a few more months - you are quite right but it is just getting more difficult everyday. Baby's two new teeth just came in the last couple of days - they are exacerbating the struggle! She is quite bite-y