I had trouble and a lot of trauma establishing breastfeeding with my first child. It took 8 weeks to fully establish and I combo fed and pumped every three hours until then. I had horrendous guilt and shame. My second daughter has taken to it really well - breastfed straightaway although as I had a medical c-section - it took about 4 weeks to fully establish breastfeeding and combo fed (zero guilt) with pumping. Since then she has been exclusisvely breastfed (now in weaning phase as she is 8 months).
Here is my AIBU. I am physically repulsed by my own breasts. I was 38H before I started breastfeeding this time around and now my breasts are imagineably enormous. As soon as she latched on I start feeling increasingly nauseated at the feeling of fedding. I also can't bear to look at my own breasts as they are just so large and saggy - my nipples hang around my bellybutton so I always need one hand to hold the baby and the other to hold up my breast or she can't stay latched on as the weight of the breast pulls the nipple out of her mouth. I feel so unattractive. All tops are too tight across my chest, I am purposely avoiding my husband seeing me topless. I have started exercising and watching what I eat but my breasts are not deflating (although everywhere else is. (My husband is amazing - he is not pressuring me in any way and is a brilliant husband and father). I have started cutting feeding sessions shot because I just can't bear the feeling and the sight anymore. But this is a vicious circle as my baby feeds more now as she is not being satiated.
AIBU for feeling like this? Or AINBU and other women feel like this too? I honestly feel like stopping but I can't justify it. My baby feeds really well, she is happy and a healthy, I have lots of milk and its only a few more months (my first self-weaned at 14 months). I plan to wean by Christmas if she hasn't shown signs of doing so before hand (she will be 18 months).