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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being woken "gently"

34 replies

mrsm43s · 21/02/2024 10:51

I'm possibly being unreasonable, but then again, possibly not!

My DH sometimes has to travel further afield for work, and therefore has to leave early. When he does this, he always likes to kiss me goodbye before he goes, even when I'm sleeping. He only leaves about 15 minutes or so before my regular alarm goes off, so I have no problem with being woken earlier and actually I think it's sweet after 20+ years of marriage that he still wants to do this.

However, my issue is that he, trying to be considerate, creeps around getting ready quietly so as not to wake me, and then swoops down to give me a very gentle kiss before leaving which startles me awake. It's really uncomfortable to wake up because I have the sensation of someone swooping down towards me.

I've tried to explain to him that kissing me before he goes is always going to wake me, and I'd rather be woken up by normal noise than by the sensation of someone moving down towards me. I've also explained that I'm fine waking up a bit earlier on the days that he's leaving early. But still he insists on creeping around because he "doesn't want to wake me". I think as a man, he just doesn't understand that a sleeping women is vulnerable and the sensation of someone swooping down towards you while you are sleeping is startling and sets off a physical response. It actually takes me a couple of hours to not feel a bit jittery after being woken like this.

So, am I unreasonable to tell him to not bloody kiss me goodbye in the mornings if I'm not already awake?

OP posts:
catsnore · 21/02/2024 11:11

Definitely not unreasonable! I'd tell him to bugger off quietly and leave me to sleep 😂

MeinKraft · 21/02/2024 11:14

You could set your alarm for half an hour earlier on the days he's going so you know you'll be awake before he kisses you?

Mumoftwo1312 · 21/02/2024 11:14

Yanbu I remember when my dh used to do this. He'd have been so offended if I'd explained what you said about the vulnerable woman reflex (although I think you're absolutely right and that's exactly what it felt like).

My solution was just to set my own alarm for when he'd be getting up. "Just in case yours doesn't wake you up"

Mumoftwo1312 · 21/02/2024 11:15

I've literally sometimes said "who are you?!" in alarm when dh does this, if I'm deeply asleep. We've been together since 2010 lol. It's a reflex

Rosestulips · 21/02/2024 11:16

I have a similar issue. I always have to get up before my partner so hardly ever get a lie in by myself. On the rare occasions I do he thinks I want to be awoken by his hands all over my body and I hate it

Why can’t I be left to lay in peace rararrrgh

He does stop if I say no but I’m already awake by then!!!

Octavia64 · 21/02/2024 11:17

Hmm.

I have possibly slightly more of a vulnerable woman reflex and I'd probably hit anyone trying to do that - I don't like people in my personal space generally and anyone unexpected in my space risks a reflex defence.

Yes I did grow up in a very bad environment.

I'd try to explain to him that you find it scary, and would rather he didn't? It's the kind of thing my ExH would only try once to be honest.

PoliteTurtle · 21/02/2024 11:18

mrsm43s · 21/02/2024 10:51

I'm possibly being unreasonable, but then again, possibly not!

My DH sometimes has to travel further afield for work, and therefore has to leave early. When he does this, he always likes to kiss me goodbye before he goes, even when I'm sleeping. He only leaves about 15 minutes or so before my regular alarm goes off, so I have no problem with being woken earlier and actually I think it's sweet after 20+ years of marriage that he still wants to do this.

However, my issue is that he, trying to be considerate, creeps around getting ready quietly so as not to wake me, and then swoops down to give me a very gentle kiss before leaving which startles me awake. It's really uncomfortable to wake up because I have the sensation of someone swooping down towards me.

I've tried to explain to him that kissing me before he goes is always going to wake me, and I'd rather be woken up by normal noise than by the sensation of someone moving down towards me. I've also explained that I'm fine waking up a bit earlier on the days that he's leaving early. But still he insists on creeping around because he "doesn't want to wake me". I think as a man, he just doesn't understand that a sleeping women is vulnerable and the sensation of someone swooping down towards you while you are sleeping is startling and sets off a physical response. It actually takes me a couple of hours to not feel a bit jittery after being woken like this.

So, am I unreasonable to tell him to not bloody kiss me goodbye in the mornings if I'm not already awake?

YANBU op, my DH does this too… it’s hard to be mad at him but also WTf!

takealettermsjones · 21/02/2024 11:20

Put bells on his sock drawer 😆

littlegrebe · 21/02/2024 13:15

YANBU. DH knows the only acceptable way to wake me is with coffee.

sunflowersd · 21/02/2024 14:40

As he’s trying to connect with you, could you ask him to leave you a quick note to find when you wake up instead? That way shows you love the thought but allows you to sleep?

ICantLogIn · 21/02/2024 14:45

Ask him, specifically, to crouch at the side of the bed, wake you first, and then kiss you? And if he swoops, scream.

ICantLogIn · 21/02/2024 14:47

But.... How has it taken 20 years to come to this?

Original poster
mrsm43s · 21/02/2024 16:01

ICantLogIn · 21/02/2024 14:47

But.... How has it taken 20 years to come to this?

It's only recently that due to children being grown up and changes in job roles that he's sometimes leaving home before I'm awake.

It's actually been reassuring to hear that other women would have this reflex too! DH is a real softie and would never, ever hurt me, so it was quite disturbing to find myself being freaked out by him leaning over to kiss me while asleep. However much I trust DH (and I really do) it seems to be an instinctive reaction that I don't have any control over.

OP posts:
Doormatnomore · 21/02/2024 16:07

I’d suggest he gives you a kiss before he gets up, so from his pillow if you see what I mean. Then he can blow you one from the bedroom door on the way out. Which sounds weird but I do this to the kids if I’m leaving when they are asleep

Mumoftwo1312 · 21/02/2024 16:08

sunflowersd · 21/02/2024 14:40

As he’s trying to connect with you, could you ask him to leave you a quick note to find when you wake up instead? That way shows you love the thought but allows you to sleep?

This is a really lovely idea. You could set up a post it notebook and pen on your bedside table.

For a while when my dd was about 1yo, I used to have to sneak out to work really early before either dh or dd woke up. (Dh would then get dd to nursery a couple of hours later). It was heartbreaking not to be able to say bye in the morning... but we have a Ring doorbell so I'd wave and say something to them on that, and dh could watch it with her when they got up.

My dd's routine then shifted earlier so they'd get up with me.

Springisintheairohyeah · 21/02/2024 16:26

My OH did something similar recently and I punched him in the face (not intentionally - just a totally unconscious just coming out of a deep sleep and taken by surprise reaction). He hasn't done it again.

Musntapplecrumble · 22/02/2024 00:01

Springisintheairohyeah · 21/02/2024 16:26

My OH did something similar recently and I punched him in the face (not intentionally - just a totally unconscious just coming out of a deep sleep and taken by surprise reaction). He hasn't done it again.

That should sort it...😂

chattyness · 22/02/2024 00:27

YANBU
My DH used to give me a really sharp dig in the ribs,bedside light on, it was horrible to wake up to quite scary actually, but once I told him he was hurting and scaring me because I was in a deep sleep he was very apologetic and from then on he just started reaching out gently and quietly, so much better.

Could your DH swap to kissing you softly on the cheek or back of the neck before he gets out of bed instead ?

Remaker · 22/02/2024 00:37

This wouldn’t bother me and I would possibly sleep through the kiss lol. But DH has a really strong startle reflex and I would never lean over him as he would probably sit bolt upright and head butt me.

Not that I’m recommending this as a strategy of course…

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2024 00:48

YANBU

My DH has done this and I startled him because as he was leaning down to kiss me, I woke up, my eyes snapping open and asking what he was doing? 😂

I’ve always been one of those sleepers who wakes up if there is an unfamiliar noise and a much lighter sleeper after having children unless I’m exhausted.

RantyAnty · 22/02/2024 00:48

I guess on the surface it seems nice but when you really think about it it isn't all that nice.

he's putting his own selfish whims ahead of your feelings of safety when asleep and also sleep in general

he could always do something else like leave a note for you or have your tea or coffee ready for when you wake up. I think it would be much more loving than creeping on you when you're asleep

Emma8888 · 22/02/2024 02:26

I'm a ridiculously light sleeper so there's no chance I'd sleep through someone else getting ready and I'd be fully awake before they got within 10 feet of me if they came back into the room after being in another part of the house and I'd gone back to sleep. But if I was the OP I'd ask DP to say 'Hey Emma, I'm heading out now' to wake me up before coming in for a kiss so they wouldn't be in my personal space when I actually woke up.

bradpittsbathwater · 22/02/2024 02:34

YANBU. I hate being woken up even by a kiss.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 22/02/2024 07:15

I don't have this reflex but I get it.

The thing I can't get my head round is how you've given him the exact recipe for a welcome wake up and he has ignored it! I can't imagine someone telling me they dislike something I do and giving me a really easy adjustment and me taking no notice.

Can you make one of those videos where you don't speak but hold cards with sentences on and drop them to reveal the next - Very Clear.

It shouldn't have to come to this but... 🤣

P.s that idea was inspired by the trees that yesterday where a DH had ignored tears of requests to put less milk in until she did a video of her making her own tea, now he has reduced how much milk he's added! 🙄🤣🤣

ArchetypalBusyMum · 22/02/2024 07:16

Tea thread yesterday

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