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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Final answer to if hen invite SHOULD mean wedding invite.

63 replies

Chickitychick · 20/02/2024 23:38

In response to the poor lady with the CF friend who wanted her to make all the wedding signs 🙈.
I would never have invited anyone to my hen do that wasn’t invited to my wedding. I think it is rude and could be really hard for the person having to hear all about an event they are not invited to.

SO. My AIBU:

Its rude to invite people to a hen and not to invite to the wedding / evening invite only (basically anything other than all day) YANBU

Its fine to invite someone to your hen and not invite them to your wedding / evening only invite. YABU

OP posts:
trisky · 21/02/2024 07:51

Totally fine to invite to hen do and not all the wedding if clear up front,

If it's £250 and you don't want to go then don't. It's that simple.

It's the word 'expected' that changes it. Still, no!

Ineedanewsofa · 21/02/2024 07:55

I’d not invite anyone to the hen who wasn’t going to be invited to some part of the wedding but I think evening only is fine. I felt a bit guilty when I got married as my colleagues did a surprise mini hen for me - meal and drinks with a silly outfit - straight after work one eve and none of them were invited to any part of the wedding! They were fine about it though and we did end up being able to exceed numbers and invite them to the evening

fritaskeeter · 21/02/2024 07:55

It's absolutely fine to invite people to the hen and then only invite to the evening of the wedding.

In some situations it's also fine to invite someone to the hen and not invite to the wedding.

For example, I had a colleague who got married a long way from where I live, but had her hen do locally. I went to the hen, as did a bunch of colleagues, but I would have been surprised to be invited to her wedding as we are colleagues and just not close enough for me to travel across the country and stay over and spend the whole day with her close family etc. That would have been very strange!

But in most situations, yes, a hen invitation should mean at least an evening wedding invitation.

IcyCat · 21/02/2024 08:07

It would be weird to invite someone to the hen but not to the wedding at all, but I think an evening only invite is ok depending on the circumstances.

For example, my MOH arranged my hen do and invited an old school friend of ours who we had previously lost touch with and recently reconnected. She came to the hen, so I invited her to the evening do. Incidentally she wasn’t very happy about that, but it was a small venue for the daytime (max 35 people) so I wasn’t going to invite someone to my wedding that I hadn’t spoken to in 5 years over close friends/family!

ihavespoken · 21/02/2024 08:09

Hen + evening is fine but hen + no wedding at all is just weird

bravotango · 21/02/2024 08:28

YANBU in general but there are some scenarios where I sort of think it's fine e.g. local friends invited to a local hen but wedding is far away, tiny wedding somewhere just family but hen party for friends etc. I was invited to a hen party but not a wedding before (and my DH invited to the stag and also not the wedding) and tbh we were a bit upset because all of our other friends were invited to the wedding. We just didn't attend the hen/stag, sent a card for the wedding and actually now our relationship is fine, didn't affect it at all. At the time I was annoyed though.

Createausername1970 · 21/02/2024 08:32

ZebraPensAreLife · 21/02/2024 00:28

I think it depends on the hen party.

If it’s basically a night out, more-the-merrier kind of thing then I don’t think I’d expect an invite to the wedding / full day unless I was particularly close to the bride or groom (I’d be surprised not to get an evening invite if the couple were doing those, but not all couples do)

If it’s a more select group, cottage / spa break kind of thing, then I would assume if I was close enough to be invited to that, I’m close enough to be invited to the wedding / full day.

This.

I have been on work colleague's hen parties but not gone to the wedding. Wouldn't have wanted to have gone either as would only have known the bride. But these were nights out, not going away or committing to expenditure.

Candleabra · 21/02/2024 08:35

Depends on your life situation (age), closeness to the bride and size of wedding.
I went to a few hen dos in my 20s where I was just invited to the evening do - but these hen dos were more like a big night out in a city so it was more the merrier really. And an extension of our normal social life. They weren’t 5 day expensive bonanzas abroad which appears to be the norm these days.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 21/02/2024 08:37

I always thought hen nights were for those you are not that close to, workmates old school friends etc basically a consolation prize for not going to the wedding. But I got married in the 80s I had a night out at the Indian restaurant with pretty much everyone I knew, 75 of us and got married in register office with 30 people, no evening do or anything as we couldn't afford it. These days it seems everything got bigger.

CurlewKate · 21/02/2024 08:40

I thought one of the points of a hen do was being able to invite all your women friends including the ones you're not inviting to the wedding because of space/cost/whatever.

IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy · 21/02/2024 08:51

I've been invited to hen dos where I'm only an evening guest. Doesn't bother me. As long as you know in advance I think it's fair enough. You might be more of a work friend or part of a wider friendship group but not particularly close to the bride.

WandaWonder · 21/02/2024 09:00

I think it is odd to invite some people to part of a one day event as in 'you are invited to the evening do but not the ceremony' of ceremony and not reception - fine if you are royalty type thing

But to me a hen/stag can be considered seperate so I have no issue being or inviting this but not the wedding, like a hen do bit used as just as an excuse to have a work colleague evening out

Tatonka · 21/02/2024 09:01

Rialoulou · 21/02/2024 00:04

I've been to multiple hens and only the evening of the wedding, I really don't see an issue in it.

This. It's really not a big deal

Stupidliefromfriend · 21/02/2024 09:02

Usually yes I'd consider it very rude - I would like you to come and celebrate me at your own considerable expense even though you're not important enough to be on my wedding guest list where I will foot the bill. I can't imagine experiencing this tbh.

However there are some rare exceptions -
The wedding is absolutely tiny and the vast majority of hen attendees aren't going either.
The wedding is overseas.
The wedding is family only.
The hen party is with a particular group eg work or hobby and nobody is going to the wedding or very few.

LolaSmiles · 21/02/2024 09:06

think it depends on the hen. Saturday night bar hopping and your extra financial contribution is to split the brides drinks and cover charges? The more the merrier. It’s really just a regular night out with friends with some extra theming.

elaborate events or full weekends should be wedding invitees.
I agree with this.

A last hurrah night out in your local town/city then it's fine for the hen to have non wedding attendees or evening only guests.
If the bride is expecting people on the hen to have an expensive city break or travel overseas, or fund a cottage or spa or something else that's a lot of time and money then it's rude imo to not extend a full wedding invitation.

noooooooo · 21/02/2024 09:37

maybe the rule should be if the bride is expecting you to foot the bill for a hen night extravaganza equal to or more than the price of a wedding meal THEN she should tell everyone invited to the hen in advance of the hen night whether or not they’re coming to the wedding? This gets round the whole small numbers family only at the wedding thing as well. Yes it’s a bit transactional but since basic manners are apparently not doing the job anymore get the spreadsheet out👍

sawnotseen · 21/02/2024 09:37

I had a couple of friends (not close friends, more friends if friends) come to my hen who I couldn't invite to my wedding due to numbers. But I didn't invite them to come (nor obv expected them to); they asked if they could join the hen do as they wanted a weekend away with friends and go to the spa, clubs, hotel, restaurants. So it was their choice.

Bartlebum · 21/02/2024 09:39

Depends on many factors.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 21/02/2024 09:44

It depends on the hen - if it's a larger group going for a few drinks locally, maybe colleagues or someone you're not close friends with, I wouldn't expect a wedding invite. If it's a close friend and a weekend away, I'd definitely expect a wedding invite. Unless they were only having a small wedding and I knew in advance that no-one was going to the wedding

NotFastButFurious · 21/02/2024 09:45

I also think it depends on the type of hen do e.g. we've had a local afternoon tea or drinks one evening with the girls from work and weren't going to the wedding (but any excuse for a celebration!) but if someone invited me to a weekend away or foreign trip then I would definitely expect a wedding invite to at least the evening do.

MaggieFS · 21/02/2024 09:47

ZebraPensAreLife · 21/02/2024 00:28

I think it depends on the hen party.

If it’s basically a night out, more-the-merrier kind of thing then I don’t think I’d expect an invite to the wedding / full day unless I was particularly close to the bride or groom (I’d be surprised not to get an evening invite if the couple were doing those, but not all couples do)

If it’s a more select group, cottage / spa break kind of thing, then I would assume if I was close enough to be invited to that, I’m close enough to be invited to the wedding / full day.

This is what I would expect.

And I can't vote because I use the crappy app.

TonTonMacoute · 21/02/2024 09:54

Chickitychick · 21/02/2024 00:44

I wanted to add the AIBU vote to get a definitive answer to the general question. Of course the other thread is an absolute piss take and the OP on the other thread needs to ditch that CF asap. I did mention that thread on my opening statement….

Show quote history

There isn't a definitive answer!

HTH

There are all sorts of ways in which people you thought were friends can behave irrationally and unkindly, weddings are one of these. Introducing a firm rule about who people can and can't invite to weddings and hen dos is a step too far and won't solve anything.

yeahiknoww · 21/02/2024 09:54

Evening invite is ok.

No invite at all would be weird.

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 21/02/2024 09:55

I think it depends on the expectation. I went to the Hen evening of a close friends daughter knowing I wasn't invited to the wedding . I was delighted to be invited and not at all offended at not being included in the wedding party as I am not family and not a close friend of the bride . If I had been sent a " Save the date " card , invited to the Hen party and asked to help with wedding preparations and then wasn't invited I would have been very annoyed.

MaggieFS · 21/02/2024 10:07

TippledPink · 21/02/2024 07:31

I am going to a hen do in a couple of weeks and I have only been invited to the evening. I think it's rude. The bride is also messaging me for advice on things for the wedding, I helped her find her wedding venue, she has asked to borrow several items of mine for her wedding. She came to my whole day too. I said yes to the hen before I got the evening invite, otherwise I would have said no. Feel a bit used to be honest.

I would too. It sounds like she's just using you and the evening invite is a token gesture.