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Original poster

can i rant? grabby brother after mums death

33 replies

dawnc27 · 20/02/2024 21:57

i just need a rant to people who dont know me
mum died less than 2 weeks ago and is not yet buried. i was her carer as she was disabled and i did everything for her, bill paying, shopping, taking her out and on holidays, everything.
my brother did fuck all, yes hes also disabled but has not problems getting 2 buses and walking up to watch his team play footy. its 1 bus (the same one to town) and about 1/8 of the walking distance
he barely rang her, his son hasnt seen her in 5 years and none of them said thank you for any presents yet now its constant messages saying how can i help, do you want help with the house and we know its just so he can eye things up so i asked how come he can offer all this help now and get over to mums yet when she was alive he could do fuck all!

whenever he did ring mum it was 30 secs of how mum was and then 30 mins of listening to all his problems, which he repeated when he did speak to her so the same news twice even if its had been months since they last spoke

i also have a sister, she lives 2 hours away yet still came over often, had mum to stay to give me a break
mums will is everything to be split 3 ways, profits from sale of house included.
in the last 6 days we have had basically demands not requests, for a sideboard unit, the brand new flooring downstairs and also mums chair which mum actually said i could have. brother wants this as apparently hes disabled and im not.... but i am! i have lower back problems following a slipped disc and removal 15 years ago, have the start of arthritis in my neck an upper arms and am also diabetic but i guess that doesnt count for this issue.
for a quiet life i said just let him have the goddamn chair, his response whan can you drop it off for me!
the flooring we told him no chance, its going with the house. this was also requested i remove and deliver
todays demand for the sideboard has been the one thats pushed us too far and we have told him that nothing is going to be discussed until probate is sorted.

personally i dont give a crap about anything, couldnt give a shit if i get £5 or £50k, id rather have my mum instead
even my kids have said do we have to have anything to do with him when its all over

that feels so much better just for writing it down

OP posts:
Pollyannamex · 20/02/2024 21:59

I’m so sorry for your loss

Original poster
dawnc27 · 21/02/2024 10:43

Pollyannamex · 20/02/2024 21:59

I’m so sorry for your loss

thank you

OP posts:
RichardsGear · 21/02/2024 10:46

I wouldn't engage with the fucker, and keep the chair for yourself. Certainly don't drop it off for him!

Timetodownsize · 21/02/2024 10:47

Sorry for your loss. Nothing like a death and the prospect of some "inheritance" to bring out the worst in some people. Do everything according thr your mums wishes as expressed in her will and just keep repeating " this is what mum saiud she wanted to happen "
Once its all done you dont need to have anything to do with him

PleaseletitbeSpring · 21/02/2024 10:52

Establish your boundaries now. You aren't a walk over and you are only going to carry out your DM's wishes. Don't give in by delivering anything. If he wins this battle, he'll expect more and more. The flooring is part of the house and will affect the sale price if it's missing. Does he want to get less for the house? He's truly a CF and I'd go NC once probate and house sale goes through.

LaraMargot · 21/02/2024 10:55

Are you the executor, if so take control.

Riverlee · 21/02/2024 10:59

From my experience of this situation, and talking to friends, there always seems to be one sibling that does nothing, but ‘advises’ from afar on what’s going to happen.

Sorry for your loss.

spanishviola · 21/02/2024 11:00

Sorry for your loss.

Say you’ve changed your mind about the chair and that everything will be divided up equally once probate is done with each of you choosing one thing at a time in strict turn, starting with you as you did most of the care. Your brother doesn’t get to choose all his favourite pieces over you and your sister.

Itiswhysofew · 21/02/2024 11:06

So sorry for the loss of your DM. Not even buried and the vulcher's circling. He's a first rate CF.

Tell him to wait and don't give him anything. You've been left to deal with everything. What a dreadful son and brother.

Caerulea · 21/02/2024 11:12

Wills seem to bring out the very worst in already crappy people to the point of being unhinged (BIL is enduring this atm). I'm so sorry it's affecting your ability to grieve, you & your sister deserve better. Sounds like you both really cared for your mum & I'm sorry you lost her. Hope you get some peace to allow yourself to process 💐

ZebraD · 21/02/2024 11:17

Just tell him to come get what he wants when it is convenient but that you’re not able to deliver it. Who cares what he takes, honestly, it’s just stuff. And I mean that with a kind heart. Focus on your mama and your loss and healing during this terrible, terrible time. Make sure to get some things that will help you feel close to your mom from her house. Any trinkets etc. then just leave him to it and if he really wants it, he will collect it. Best wishes

Heronwatcher · 21/02/2024 11:17

Can you tell him that your solicitor has advised that all requests need to be made in writing so that the executors can never be accused of unfair conduct? So you won’t be discussing by text, he can put all of his requests in a letter and you’ll arrange to discuss at a mutually convenient time when probate has been obtained. Or even better ask him to make all requests via a solicitor.

Much as it might be tempting to let things go I think you need to set a hard boundary here, or he will just get worse.

Heronwatcher · 21/02/2024 11:20

Just tell him to come get what he wants when it is convenient but that you’re not able to.

But the dickhead will strip the place and leave it unsellable! He was planning to LIFT THE FLOOR. Plus legally it’s not his to take nor is it the OP’s to give at the moment.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/02/2024 11:25

Where there’s a death, there are so often vultures swooping in. Stay tough, OP! If it were me, I think I’d probably get a charity to collect the sideboard (British Heart Foundation took one of ours) before he can get his grubby mitts on it, but I’m 😈 like that.

Cheekiest I heard of was after a SiL’s mother died, and before the house was cleared, the general family were told that they could take any item as a memento.

The wife of the dead woman’s grandson - not even a blood relation - swooped in ASAP and helped herself to all the jewellery!

I’m happy to say that they made her give it all back.

Overfullbookcase · 21/02/2024 11:26

I am sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately it sometimes takes this sort of life event for people to ditch toxic family members.

There is weird expectation that gets drilled into us that 'family' are so important, which means we often put up with appalling behaviour that we wouldn't put up with from friends.

I'd be having a strong conversation with this brother , letting him know that you realise he is only after whatever stuff of value he get his hands on, and that will all be done formally , then respectfully you would like to go your separate ways. (It doesn't sound like he would be bothered about that )

pokebowls · 21/02/2024 11:28

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/02/2024 11:25

Where there’s a death, there are so often vultures swooping in. Stay tough, OP! If it were me, I think I’d probably get a charity to collect the sideboard (British Heart Foundation took one of ours) before he can get his grubby mitts on it, but I’m 😈 like that.

Cheekiest I heard of was after a SiL’s mother died, and before the house was cleared, the general family were told that they could take any item as a memento.

The wife of the dead woman’s grandson - not even a blood relation - swooped in ASAP and helped herself to all the jewellery!

I’m happy to say that they made her give it all back.

Christ. That's awful

Alwaysgoingforit · 21/02/2024 11:37

Along with another nurse in a care home, I removed four relatives standing around a dying mans bed arguing over the remaining estate....
People can be total scum. I would have never believed it had another visitor to the man, not found me and reported it as she was so upset.

dottiedodah · 21/02/2024 12:35

Wills seem to bring out the very worst in people .I would say its going through probate ATM and you will sort it out after that.I am glad your Sister has helped you

Pollyannamex · 21/02/2024 12:41

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/02/2024 11:25

Where there’s a death, there are so often vultures swooping in. Stay tough, OP! If it were me, I think I’d probably get a charity to collect the sideboard (British Heart Foundation took one of ours) before he can get his grubby mitts on it, but I’m 😈 like that.

Cheekiest I heard of was after a SiL’s mother died, and before the house was cleared, the general family were told that they could take any item as a memento.

The wife of the dead woman’s grandson - not even a blood relation - swooped in ASAP and helped herself to all the jewellery!

I’m happy to say that they made her give it all back.

That’s awful! What a CF!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 21/02/2024 13:00

Pollyannamex · 21/02/2024 12:41

That’s awful! What a CF!

Show quote history

She was from a very wealthy family, too.
A very expensive education evidently hadn’t taught her the basics of civilised behaviour.

LakeTiticaca · 21/02/2024 13:02

As a former community carer I've seen quite a few circling vultures. Many don't even wait until the poor relative has passed. One family started decorating the elderly mothers home in readiness for sale, while mum was in hospital. She made a sudden recovery and came home. Not impressed at what had been happening in her home!!.
Another one was an elderly man whose wife was in a care home. He was about to move into the care home to be with her. They had 3 sons and the DILs came in and started stripping the place while he was still sat there in the house!!

Notchangingnameagain · 21/02/2024 13:12

I am sorry for your loss.

I am not surprised at all.

Death makes people do strange things.

For some reason, the ones who did the least always show the most heartbreak with sobbing and hysterical behaviour and/or become grabby vultures. It’s very strange.

My grandparent died last year. They had nothing of monetary value.

The behaviour of some of their children was absolutely bonkers.

One almost had a mental breakdown because I took a mouldy and broken coffee machine to the tip before they checked it was mouldy and broken and could not be sold on Facebook.

Silvers11 · 21/02/2024 13:12

@dawnc27 I'm so sorry for your loss

Does your brother have a key to your Mum's house? If so, please change the locks on it ASAP and don't let him have one. Who are the executors of your Mum's Estate?

My Sister went into my Mum's house, before the funeral and helped herself to various paintings, books and other items - after I had said that nothing could be moved until I had done what I needed to do as Executor

Alwaysgoingforit · 21/02/2024 13:14

These vultures had parents who hopefully loved / cared about them...I wonder how many mners will get treated like this in the future? It's a sobering thought.

unsync · 21/02/2024 13:46

You have my sympathies, I was devastated when my mother died. 💐

Who are the Executors for the Estate? They have a legal responsibility to execute the will properly. Everything should be valued so that when distributions are made, everything is above board.

If there are named bequests (jewellery, ornaments) etc, those can be easily released. All other items should be valued and documented.

The easiest way to deal with it, is to send all the big stuff to auction, then buy back what you want and divide the proceeds afterwards. He needs to be made aware that the market value of anything he takes now will be deducted from any eventual distribution.