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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is a liar?

49 replies

Ugliest · 20/02/2024 19:37

"DH" and I have not been getting along for a long time.
I think the last time we had sex was around 5 years ago.
separate beds, typical middle aged couple.
He is quite emotionally abusive but I can cope.
I found some viagra in his work bag, checked a few days later and some had gone.
When I confronted him he said that he got them because he was hoping to have sex again with me at some point?? He had given a few to a friend to explain that some had been used and he has never cheated??

Thoughts please x

OP posts:
mummybt · 20/02/2024 19:39

If it was me OP, I would really think he's lying. I hope not :(

pictoosh · 20/02/2024 19:40

Yep liar.

DrunkenElephant · 20/02/2024 19:40

He’s cheating, but the marriage is dead regardless.

Why are you still with him?

PutMyFootIn · 20/02/2024 19:41

Yes he's lying. How old are you both? It's unusual for a healthy man to go for 5 years without any sex.

WhamBamThankU · 20/02/2024 19:50

He's cheating. A friend had this with her ex

Imfreetofeelgood · 20/02/2024 19:51

Sounds like lies. Why have you not had sex for 5 years? If it's purely because you don't get on, and don't want to, I can't really see how you are suprised. It sounds like you share a house rather than a marriage. Why haven't you split?

Imfreetofeelgood · 20/02/2024 19:53

You shouldn't have to cope with emotional abuse. What's the point?

TiredMummma · 20/02/2024 19:57

Sounds like he is probably visiting a sex worker, although tbh why are you bothering? Why not leave and be happy?

Bex5490 · 20/02/2024 19:58

PutMyFootIn · 20/02/2024 19:41

Yes he's lying. How old are you both? It's unusual for a healthy man to go for 5 years without any sex.

Edited

It’s unusual for anyone to go 5 years without sex…

@Ugliest It doesn’t sound like this marriage is making you very happy. Why are you still in it?

Bkjahshue · 20/02/2024 20:01

Yes of course he’s cheating. Had you thought that it could go on just not having sex and both of you would just be celibate? I’m not sure this is typical married couple.

Original poster
Ugliest · 20/02/2024 20:34

We haven't split because I don't want the children to loose their family home. Also I have been a stay at home mum so means to support myself ( let that be a lesson, could literally kick myself). .

OP posts:
FedUpMumof10YO · 20/02/2024 20:35

Yup, he's lying.

Notimeforaname · 20/02/2024 20:36

We haven't split because I don't want the children to loose their family home. Also I have been a stay at home mum so means to support myself ( let that be a lesson, could literally kick myself)

Then your only other option is to live with it..can you do that...forever?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2024 20:38

Of course he’s lying. Why haven’t you had sex for 5 years? Do you care if he’s going elsewhere?

BobbyBiscuits · 20/02/2024 20:39

The fact it was in his work bag..he claims he gave some to a friend? You can buy it from every pharmacy so why would his friend need him to?
So yeah I would say 99% likely a liar.

Nicebloomers · 20/02/2024 20:40

He’s lying

ChildofSunday · 20/02/2024 20:42

100% lie.
however if your marriage is more of a flatmate situation, do you really care?

BodyKeepingScore · 20/02/2024 20:43

He's cheating. No sec and separate beds is not typical of a middle aged couple

Mrsttcno1 · 20/02/2024 20:44

Imfreetofeelgood · 20/02/2024 19:51

Sounds like lies. Why have you not had sex for 5 years? If it's purely because you don't get on, and don't want to, I can't really see how you are suprised. It sounds like you share a house rather than a marriage. Why haven't you split?

This.

Honestly after 5 years I don’t even think I’d be particularly surprised or hurt, I would have made the assumption that he was having sex elsewhere a long time ago and not sure I could even bring myself to blame him if it was me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2024 20:56

Your username is really sad.

Original poster
Ugliest · 20/02/2024 20:57

I'm not surprised or hurt , it's just the gaslighting I can't stand.
i had a total mental health breakdown last year. Wanted to kill myself and when I told him he said to get my pension sorted and write my will.
Because he messes with my mind so much I just wanted validation

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/02/2024 21:05

As that’s the sort of thing he’s said I don’t think you’ll ever get any validation from him. I expect if you left him, while the practicalities will he tough to start with, your mental health would improve no end.

I’m also 100% sure your children don’t care more about some bricks and mortar than having happy parents. That’s not why you’re staying, be honest. It’s normal to be petrified of change but it’s always possible and you sound so unhappy now surely it’s worth a go.

Copperoliverbear · 20/02/2024 21:09

Liar x

DrunkenElephant · 20/02/2024 21:12

Oh OP, your last update made me so sad.

There is so much more to life than this! What is the financial situation? You would be entitled to some of the equity in the house and child maintenance - your children would want you to be happy.

redalex261 · 20/02/2024 21:13

Your kids will definitely be aware of the stress and indifference in the relationship. You honestly would be better leaving and they so would they. You deserve some happiness or contentment in life, you only get one life don’t waste it.