To think he is a liar?

[Ugliest]

"DH" and I have not been getting along for a long time.
I think the last time we had sex was around 5 years ago.
separate beds, typical middle aged couple.
He is quite emotionally abusive but I can cope.
I found some viagra in his work bag, checked a few days later and some had gone.
When I confronted him he said that he got them because he was hoping to have sex again with me at some point?? He had given a few to a friend to explain that some had been used and he has never cheated??

Thoughts please x

This is not typical Middle Ages couple.

Yes he's lying.

I'm sorry

But I have no where to go and no means of supporting myself.
im 52 years old with no work experience for 20 years.
Hr pays for my private health, dental, mobile phone.
not much equity in house, I would have to rent.
when I took an overdose he dropped me off at A&E and left me there :(

Why keep a family home that's is unhappy? Get out there. Get your divorce settlement a new home just for you and have a happy life. Life is too short your will regret it when your older.

You would be able to get some type of work. For example care work.

He dropped you at A&E?! Wouldn't being alone and poor be better than being treated like this?

This

How old are your children?

People leave. They get divorced, sell the house, rent if they have to, buy if they can, find work, claim benefits. Have you looked into it or just decided it’s impossible?

Are you getting help with your depression?

Yes he is cheating on you. Not surprised after 5 years. He should just be honest with you.

Children are 18 and 22. I am already feeling bad that I tried to kill myself, what a terrible thing to do to them?
I don't want to disrupt their lives anymore than I already have

Yes he's obviously cheating. So what are you going to do? Your children aren't tiny, they will understand, don't stay together for them.

Nobody should receive this treatment. You’ve asked the question, but deep down you know. Please get out, focus on yourself and the children. Renting is ok, a house is just bricks and mortar and most of us will end up selling them for social care when needed!
How he’s responded to your sadness and depression is thoroughly inhumane.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

The kids are old enough to know that you don't have to stay together. It might be hard to begin with but at least you can start again and do things how you want to. You deserve to be happier.

Not typical, but it does happen
due to an injury, we’ve got separate beds, also no sex so yes it does happen to middle aged people through no fault of their own

OP get the fuck out of there. You’re relatively young, do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? You can have a new start, a happy start, where you put yourself first. Your kids are adults and they will understand, I’m sure they’re not the only ones in their friendship groups who will have parents who split up. As for losing the family home…well it will be lost at some point anyway won’t it, being morbid here but unless they’re planning on living in it together after you and your h have passed.

As for work, no ok you won’t be able to waltz into a 100k a year job, but so many shops and hospitality businesses are literally desperate for staff, you’d find something easily enough. I would bet everything I have on your mental health making a dramatic improvement if you lost the miserable situation you’re in.

Bless you OP. There's light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Your children are old enough to survive losing their family home, I think you may be using that as a slight excuse. You're worried about how you'll sustain yourself. You may be surprised. Get yourself down to citizens advice for support to see what help you may get with housing and benefits.

You can't stay with your husband forever. He's making you unhappy and you've both checked out. Life's too short.

All the best, you're clearly a strong woman, you can do it.

I don’t want to stick the boot in but if he is cheating, as you know he probably is, he might be planning to leave you. I really would focus on what you need to do when you split up, either because he initiates it or you realise you have to leave him. You’ve got a chance to plan ahead rather than be caught in the headlights. He might be miles ahead of you, you’ve nothing to lose by getting your head into the logistics.

OP your DH sounds absolutely horrible , you deserve so much better. He is probably a huge reason why your mental health isn't the best. Easier said than done but leave that awful man. You will one day see the light of this horrible tunnel. Sending love OP x

This is heartbreaking.

You can’t stay in this relationship just for a house. In the long run, your children need a mum who’s well and happy not an unhappy ‘family home.’

You deserve much more than this ❤️

I’m in a similar situation with the no sex ( 4 years for us ) and mid forties though no abuse but he’s a miserable sod and drags us all down. I’m making plans to split up because my kids know I’m not happy and yours likely will too. Mine are 21 and 13 and it was my youngest who said to me that she would love to live with just me and her brother cos her dad is a misery. It woke me the hell up how much she was aware of.

you can absolutely start over. You can be happy and you are worthy of so much more than this pathetic excuse for a man. I hope you’re getting support for your MH and have friends and family to lean on. Sending so much love to you and a hug, sounds like you need one xx

Your kids are adults! Do what's best for you.

How is staying in a marriage to a lying cheating selfish uncaring arsehole, that is contributing (if not causing) your MH issues, going to be better for them?! They are adults now and will be making their own way.

You are two years older than me, we have a fair few years ahead of us work wise. I took a massive step back professionally due to covid redundancies and now work in a supermarket. No experience needed. Same with hospitality who are crying out for staff. Care work......people always suggest that but personally I think that you need the right kind of personality to do that and, crucially, do it well for the people you care for. Only you know.

Get a job, get a place, get a divorce then you will find that you have also got your life back. This is no way to live.

this is a very good point.

Right now he could be getting everything in place to fuck off with someone else. And if that days comes while you are still firmly refusing to accept the inevitable, it will hit you so much harder. If you at least have a plan of your own, it will make things easier.

If leaving seems to much, focus on getting a job. Part time to begin with and see how you go. And dont let him stop you. You can get a cheap mobile deal of your own and the NHS has always been available for everything else he pays for so he can stuff his medical insurance.

You can do this. Seems to me that the only person who thinks that you cant, is you.

A slight word of caution
The NHS is short on dentists at the moment- so you may have to pay private
As working in a supermarket previously the wages are not going to go far in private rent. And at 50 it can be hard physical work.
I'm not saying to stop where you are but putting yourself into poverty at this point won't help your mental health
Maybe work on yourself and become a stronger person mentally and get a job.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

I know in my heart that this marriage is over. I knew when I had my breakdown and how I was treated that I could never forgive him.
As some of you have said I don't think leaving right now will help my mental health.

I know I have to be strong and try and get myself together before I can do something .

I love my children so much and put them through a lot and the thought of them losing their home makes me feel so guilty.

Like I said it's the gaslighting that gets to me. He makes me question my thoughts and feelings.
Just to have the confirmation that I'm not going crazy really helps, thank you x

Go and see a solicitor to get the lie of the land. Maybe look for a part time job? Focus on yourself.