to be so annoyed by dh's inconsiderate selfish sister. Soem partial advice needed please!

[soworndown]

This is such a long and potentially boring tale I hope someone can give you some impartial advice.

Background:

My dh comes from a very dysfunctional family (in my eyes) There are 3 children including my dh who is the eldest,a middle brother and a younger sister.

The middle brother is very ambitious, a real high flier/achiever, he has as little to do with his parents (due to his upbringing) but remains a dutiful son in some respects (always visits but keep sthem at a distance) Dh's sister, the youngest was, from what I have been told, very indulged she was a very wanted daughter and the parents spoilt her form day one. Dh isn't too bothered about this (he says) but I believe this is in part due to his being conditioned to accept his lot over the years, unlike middle brother who is very feisty and has never put up with anything he did n't like

The problem:

My MIL had some property, she had it for a while and quite fancies herself as an entrepeneur, the truth of the matter is she has collected a number of businesses which have failed over the year when she gets bored. Whlist trying to renovate the recent property she was victim to a con artist and was fleeced to such an extent that she faced having to give up the lot. Nobody was interested not even her husband. The middle brother openly berated MIL for being such an idiot, her dd stopped calling round (in case I suspect she was asked for help and because MIL had no money to give her) even her husband wasn't interested. She begged my dh for help and he agreed but there were conditions. he said that he would bail her out but that if that were the case he would want a share of the profits for the following reasons:

1. It was very high risk and he was putting our home at risk
2. he already had a demanding job that saw him going away from his family adding another full time job on top of that meant he wanted to be certain that we would see the long term rewards of this
3. We would, until the project had been turned around be totally skint, really watching the pennies because he was comitted both in terms of time and debt

4.The time away from me and the kids

MIL assured him that if he took it over (she gave the reins to him completely) that she would agree to all.

Roll on nearly 4 years (it has been very hard) I find out that the reason his sister does not speak to us (she has never wated to meet my baby)is because she is furious that we are close to completion and may (if luck is on our side)be in line for a very substantial profit. It could mean to us that we can move house and not have to shop in salmonella corner in the supermarkets and buy our children charity shop toys and clothes.

I am so hurt that she could be so selfish in first considering that what my dh has worked so bloody hard for she is entitled to and that she puts money in front of her having a relationship with my children.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she get a third of the profits?

Middle brother is appauled and asked us if she was expecting to get a third of dh's xmas bonus too? he has told us he wanted nothing to do with the project and put nothing in as so expects nothing back?

Am I too wrapped up in this? Are we doign something really wrong here?

Thanks for reading this.

haven't read all of the posts, but it seems to me that no, she is not entitled to anything, this is not her birthright, it is a business arrangement and her "birthright" is only what your PILs choose to give her, out of their own assets and funds, not yours, or any other partner's. You made an investment, you put in the work, the returns are yours. It's great that the other brother is being sensible about it all, he's right - no investment, no work = no return.
But yes, get it legally all in writing asap if you haven't already. If your PILs choose to then split their share of the profit and share with her that's up to them, but your correct share is your correct share. There is no "doing the right thing", it's a business arrangement pure and simple.
As for her being a part of your daughter's life, if it were me I'd want to wait until she'd grown up a bit before I let her be an influence (your SIL I mean, not your dd!). Do you really want your dd copying princess tactics?

Why does she think she has any rights? I agree with your bil, she wouldn't expect a share of your dh's wages as her birthright so why this? Selfish little mare.
What a twonk. Give her the bums rush and then ask her to say thank you

Soworndown, I too have a 33 yr old "princess" SIL. She is constantly bailed out by her mother, has done dozens of courses/degrees, yet never settles at anything for more than a few months. SHe has finally (4 months ago) moved out of home into her own flat (mortage heavily subsidised by FIL- much to his distaste). MIL had the cheek to ask us to help towards the mortage as we are preety well off financially (dh said "NO"). We are doing well because we got jobs, stuck with them and worked/saved damn hard!

Believe me, from personal experiece, it's better for your children to not have an aunt, rather the the headache that comes trying to keep,spoilt,greedy adults sweet. It really isn't worth the effort, they aren't going to be lovely, sweet, generous aunties, when they're a PITA usually. YANBU.

Lovely BIL has devised a cunning plan.

He suggests that he start getting huffy and insisting the money be split four ways as he wants a cut too (he doesn't)

Then he will sign over his quarter to us, effectively leaving dh and I with half.

Sounds good to me. I did ask dBIL if he wanted a quarter because to be honest with you if she is getting some I'd rather he got it too at least he has always supported us.

I don't think he will want to keep it.

On the surface, it sounds like a great idea.

LOL - thank goodness for having a great BIL!!!!

I know, he has always been like this. Cargirl it is a good plan isn't it? I can't get a hold of my dh and I am itching to tell him.

actually what is so funny is the look that is going to be on SIL face when she hears that BIL is demamding a share too she will be gutted as she'll get less!

Have just read through all of this and - to be honest - I think your BIL's plan is generous but will possibly confuse the issue even more. Him saying that he wants a quarter is an implicit acknowledgement that she is also entitled to a quarter when she's actually entitled to nothing at all! Yes it would be nice to see the look on her face but you're starting to play games with something which is a serious issue affecting you and your family.

I really think your dh - who sounds like an absolute saint! - should go to a lawyer, get something drawn up which explicitly states your and his understanding of the situation (i.e. a straight 50:50 split). Then he should give it to his parents to sign and threaten to stop any more work on the project until they do.

Your SIL is not worth you wasting any more of your valuable time over. Yes it's sad that your dcs don't have a relationship with their aunt but that's just life.

I hope you don't think this is being harsh, I just think you need to have some real clarity. Good luck with it. Families are a fecking nightmare and I really feel for you (my parents have had a similar situation with grasping money-grabbing relatives - contributing to a heart attack for my dad at one stage).

Thank you Squever and whilst I appreciate your post I don't agree with it

I know that she is going to get a third so why not at least try to salvage a bit of dignity here and get what is ours. I don't think it is about playing games it's about being as crafty as she is surely? And in a warped sense I quite admire her for having the brass neck.

There is very little to do now in fact aside from installing one kitchen and finishing someother imterior work (which is down to me) We are then just waiting for the summer to push the sales more aggresively.

Of course SIL would be delighted to help at this stage- there is nothing to contribute.

If it had all gone pear shaped would she have wanted to share the loss? no I don't think so.

But why is she going to get a third? Your BIL would be better off telling her she, like he, is entitled to absolutely nothing. I cant understand why you are even entertaining the idea of giving her something. Get a backbone and tell her to get lost.

But, she's not got a leg to stand on legally, surely? For her to get a third, she'll have to take from your dh as well as your in-laws.

I'm no lawyer but - on the basis of what you've said abut the company set up by your dh and mil - your mil can't just decide to change the rules. Maybe someone better qualified than me knows better???

If your in-laws decide to give her something from their share more fool them, but she has no right to take from you and your dh (and your kids, as you say).

Sorry for getting so riled up - I just feel so sad and angry for you.

I don't care what his arse hole parents do. They have treated dh like this his entire life. She seems to escape all of it.

We had agreed to undertake this so we have to money to piss off, far away from them.

As for the backbone comment

Nice and constructive thanks Trifle, I'll be sure to make sure I'm as helful when you ask anything in future.

Soworndown, we are at a very difficult point with ILs (well MIL really) over SIL and her partner. MIL won't hear a word against them. SIL partner had a massive unprovoked (drunken) rant at dh a few weeks ago and we have not seen SIL/partner since. MIL knows who is the injured partner, but is siding with SIL and partner (of a few months) rather than her own son (with wife/partner of 17 years and her only granchildren). FIL is close to moving in with us, DH is distraught. All in all it is very ugly. It is nothing to do with backbone.

I think the plan for BIL to say he wants 1/4 is a bit daft tbh.

Surely the point is, SIL is entitled to nothing...not even 1/4

Actually, that's funny, as I was reading above I was going to suggest you ask bil for precisely that! He has exactly the same claim as she does, so either neither of them gets it (in which case you get 50%) or they both do (in which case he cedes you his part and you get 50%.

The effect is the same as telling your pil to pay her out of their portion if they so wish, and you'll pay bil out of your portion if you so wish. It just so happens you don't want to and neither does he.

Your post should have read that your SIL wants a third of your profits which you know she is not entitled to but hey ho you are going to do it anyway but thanks for listening, no need to post.

If you had said that then people wouldnt have bothered posting advice as you have openly opposed and ignored it.

"have to shop in salmonella corner"

Made me titter - sorry!!

If you go down the (dangerous) route of your bil also "claiming" his share of the money, then surely your husband should also claim his share on top of his rightful profit!!?? if you see what I mean.

I would recommend you going to a solicitor and get all the money that your husband and you have worked for.

What exactly does your pils say to all this? Do they seriously think that the money should be split in 3?
If yes, does your husband not see how disrespectful that is to him and his family?

I would possibly get your BIL to sign something first to make sure he keeps to his side of the deal.

I hope this all works out for you.