to be so annoyed by dh's inconsiderate selfish sister. Soem partial advice needed please!

[soworndown]

This is such a long and potentially boring tale I hope someone can give you some impartial advice.

Background:

My dh comes from a very dysfunctional family (in my eyes) There are 3 children including my dh who is the eldest,a middle brother and a younger sister.

The middle brother is very ambitious, a real high flier/achiever, he has as little to do with his parents (due to his upbringing) but remains a dutiful son in some respects (always visits but keep sthem at a distance) Dh's sister, the youngest was, from what I have been told, very indulged she was a very wanted daughter and the parents spoilt her form day one. Dh isn't too bothered about this (he says) but I believe this is in part due to his being conditioned to accept his lot over the years, unlike middle brother who is very feisty and has never put up with anything he did n't like

The problem:

My MIL had some property, she had it for a while and quite fancies herself as an entrepeneur, the truth of the matter is she has collected a number of businesses which have failed over the year when she gets bored. Whlist trying to renovate the recent property she was victim to a con artist and was fleeced to such an extent that she faced having to give up the lot. Nobody was interested not even her husband. The middle brother openly berated MIL for being such an idiot, her dd stopped calling round (in case I suspect she was asked for help and because MIL had no money to give her) even her husband wasn't interested. She begged my dh for help and he agreed but there were conditions. he said that he would bail her out but that if that were the case he would want a share of the profits for the following reasons:

1. It was very high risk and he was putting our home at risk
2. he already had a demanding job that saw him going away from his family adding another full time job on top of that meant he wanted to be certain that we would see the long term rewards of this
3. We would, until the project had been turned around be totally skint, really watching the pennies because he was comitted both in terms of time and debt

4.The time away from me and the kids

MIL assured him that if he took it over (she gave the reins to him completely) that she would agree to all.

Roll on nearly 4 years (it has been very hard) I find out that the reason his sister does not speak to us (she has never wated to meet my baby)is because she is furious that we are close to completion and may (if luck is on our side)be in line for a very substantial profit. It could mean to us that we can move house and not have to shop in salmonella corner in the supermarkets and buy our children charity shop toys and clothes.

I am so hurt that she could be so selfish in first considering that what my dh has worked so bloody hard for she is entitled to and that she puts money in front of her having a relationship with my children.

Am I being unreasonable? Should she get a third of the profits?

Middle brother is appauled and asked us if she was expecting to get a third of dh's xmas bonus too? he has told us he wanted nothing to do with the project and put nothing in as so expects nothing back?

Am I too wrapped up in this? Are we doign something really wrong here?

Thanks for reading this.

She is entitled to NOTHING she did nothing.
Your husband and you and your children have been the ones going with out and making it all work.

Tell her she is not getting anything and behaving like a spoilt child will not help.

Then get as far away from these stupid people as you can.

If you PIL are so set on giving this brat money let them give it to her out of THEIR share.

Tell your DH that after all you and your children have given up and gone through that you will not stand by and see him give away the money that she has no right to and did nothing for and he will lose more in a divorce then he would by giving in to his simple sister .

His whole family (except his brother) sound a bit simple and a grown woman should not get in to a situation where she has to go cap in hand to her child, but I bet once she has been hauled out of the shit by you and your DH she will jump right back in thinking "oh well he will make it all better again".

Good luck and stand your ground.

Thank you KIMI Divorce erm, no you're ok.

divorce was tounge [sp] in cheek.

Stand your ground, she has no rights, and if PIL want to give her money (for her doing nothing) then it must be out of their profit and not yours.

Your husband sounds a lovely man to do this for them and you are lovely for standing by him.

No way would I of let DH risk our home and is health to help out someone who should have known better.

His sister needs to grow up and earn her own money

Sounds like your DH worked extremely hard to pull the project off, as well as keeping his normal job too. You as a family have scrimped to make it happen... what has SiL contributed to the project?

Kick her arse out of town. Or threaten that you'll be seeing a lawyer.

I'd be bloody furious with her

A simple 50/50 split then between your DH & the in-laws.

What they do with their share is up to them, time you started seeing a return for putting up with a shitty lifestyle for the last few years & enjoy the profits.

YANBU-she is & if the in-laws can't see that why should you & DH lose out?

Good Luck-blardy families eh?

did your dh pay himself a wage for all this graft?

It was a business deal/venture between your PIL & DH and it was clearly set out as such. Your SIL is entitled to nothing you if your PIL want to keep her sweet and give her something from their share that is up to them.

Perhaps MIL needs reminding the conditions DH stipulated when stepping in and if he hadn't she may now have nothing and that you as a family have gone without and risked your home on the hope of decent return.

If the company is in the names of your dh, your MIL and your FIL, then technically dh is only entitled to a 1/3 share of the profits, unless there is an agreement in writing for the shares to be different. So you may find that dh takes his 1/3, FIL takes his 1/3 and MIL gives her 1/3 to spoilt brat.

You need to ensure that dh has an agreement that he is initially paid back all the monies he invested and that the remaining balance is divided into two shares, one for him and one for MIL/FIL.

Did you agree the profit share in writing?

Also it's irrelevant she has no interest in your child. Even if she was the loveliest sil in the world this is a business deal.

Dont let her have a bean!

We have a similar situation with dh's entire family. Dh comes for a very large dysfunctional family that had a very tough upbringing. Dh has worked blinking hard for the last 5 years on bulding up several companies and when we sold one earlier in the year we started getting the 'begging' texts and phonecalls. Its not that we are being mean by not helping his siblings out (have bought his mum a house and a car) but they all think that dh owes them something just because he has made something of himself where they are happy to sit on their backsides and do nothing. (2 of them are exempt from that rule and we would do anything for them because they never ask or expect anything.)

Stick by your guns, it wont earn you any fans (i know, my sil and 2 bil's think i am a tight b*tch) but who cares! You and your dh took a risk and thankfully it has paid off for you. If it had been the other way round then she would give you a penny would she.....?

Be strong

Get some legal advice, and make sure DH gets his mother to commit to something in writing. Hopefully your DH has kept records of all the expenditure, etc and can demonstrate how much he has actually put in to the project financially. You need to make sure your DH (and your family) get your fair share of any profits. However, you can't insist that your MIL gives your SIL nothing: what your MIl does with her share is her business.

Sorry, not read all of this but imo sil is bu, if your dh hadn't bailed his mother out then your sil would have less inhritance overall iykwim

Get something in writing and tell her to pick her teddy up.

Message withdrawn

Oh my mum had (we think) a similar falling out recently with her sister- actually almost 2 years ago. Many years ago my grandparents bought a flat and my dad lent them 7 grand (which was a stretch for him, but affordable iykwim). He said to pay them back (no interest) either when they could or when they died. So it was written into the will that 7 grand was to go to my dad after the second death. As it happens he was paid back about 10 years ago so that clause in the will was ignored.

My aunt got hold of a copy of the will after my grandmother's death- didn't realise that the 7 grand had been paid back and made comments about taking money from the grandchildren (the remainder of the estate was split between 13 grandchildren). Which of course he didn't as the loan had been paid back years before (with no profit to him).

Aunt hasn't spoken to my mother (he sister) since and that's the only reason we can think of even though it seems barking. She's the most well off in the family btw- by some distance.

Your SIL is being totally unreasonable- ignore and enjoy the profits of the hard work your dh has put in.

But if there is a company formed in your PILs' and dh's name, how can they just cut your SIL in on the profits? I can understand why you're upset but I don't think there is much she can do other than sulk and badger your PILs for some money.

HI Thanks again for the updated posts.

I'll try to clarify a few points here.

Up to date aside from almost doublng our mortgage we also incurred credit card bills of £35k (in the last 12 months) which thankfully with a sale of one of the units we managed to completely clear and MIL took the rest Perhaps she has givem some to SIL to keep her from yapping I do not know and further more do not care but she did pay all of our expenses which was to pay builders/goods and services etc. The incredible thing is Dh has not taken a single penny in a wage in all this time- he wanted the profits in case it all went brown.

he has been project managing it for all that time and has his own full time position. I and the children have goten the leftovers.

It kills me that we are spending like this for them and yet in my heart of hearts I feel it is going to go tits up.

Dh has made several measures one of which is he has charges for several of the properties.

MIL relies so heavily on dh that I am quite certain that she wouldn't screw him over entirely- she wouldn't be that stupid I am hoping and as Dh also deals with the sales as well and the lawyers he knows exactly how much money is due and where it is going.

A poster mentioned that this is not personal but business well if that were the case surely SIL would leave that behind and still see to her personal affairs and at the very least acknowledge my children- they saw her at PIL's house a month ago and as soon as she saw us she took her bag and left the house.

Ds said to me "who is that lady mummy?"

Her loss I have to keep reminding myself.

I am finding- when I re read these posts that I have a mental list of things to ask dh just to cover ourselves.

Thank god for Mumsnetters I would have been going spare if I didn't have you all today.

the typos are terrible apologies.

Goodness your SIL sounds like a moneygrabbing COW. I cannot imagine letting anything get in the way of my relationship with my nieces and nephews

There is no WAY she should get anything out of this project aside from disdain.

She clearly acted to protect her own interests and ONLY her own interests, 4 years ago. Let that be a lesson to you all now- to do what you need to do to protect the interests and financial security of your family.

If anybody should feel any guilt or regret it should be her; she has after all behaved very thoughtlessly and selfishly.

Look, I don;t know you or your family and appreciate that yo0u do need to get some good legal advice, but your hatred of your SIL is your problem. It's starting to sound as though you won't be happy until your SIL has been publiclypunished in some way.

madamez. Thank you for that comment.

I think it's the bitterness talking and don't want her to be punished but I feel very strongly how dare she try to take away from my children.

That makes me fume.

She doesn't have a job that she likes, has always expected her parents to bail her out and yet I still liked her because I really didn't blame her for being like that. In the same way that dh has been conditioned to behave and act the way he does I think the same with SIL- she is the product of her upbringing- not her fault.

I think its a good thing that your dh has been the contact with the Lawyer. Always good to know what's what.

Do you think it would be worth speaking to your SIL? Could you call her or go round and have it out with her?

I only say that because i had an issue with my sil and i let it bubble away for ages and the longer it went on the more wound up i got and in the end i just asked her out right. Now she definately isnt speaking to me but at least we both know where we stand..

The whole 'product of your upbringing' makes me a bit mad tbh. My IL's are exactly that and it annoys me sooooo much. I have told them time and time again that life is what YOU make it not how you were brought up otherwise dh would be as much of a loser as 2 of my bil's.

How old is your sil?

Aprilmeadow she is 33.

Sorry AM I didn't see your previous post. I have tried a dozen times to arrange a time for her to see the children, not to talk about anything else- she has to date just ignored my texts so I have stopped bothering.