To take time off work even though it's effectively my own fault?

[helpmedecideplease123]

Here is a TL:DR version of my situation:

• I'm currently mid-divorce, 3.5 years after separation, with an abusive ex who, even after all this time, still tries to control me from afar (he can't come into direct contact with me).
• I'm a single parent and the majority carer (court ordered) to primary aged DC.
• I have a highly demanding professional role.
• I'm working three jobs and yet I'm only just making ends meet.
• I have two court hearings scheduled within the next fortnight.
• My money has completely run out so I'm acting as a litigant in person, including representing myself in court.
• There is an ongoing police investigating into historic abuse I suffered, part of which includes an interview later this week.
• The occupation order on the FMH, where I live with DC, expires next month.
• My ex constantly takes me back to court, usually to request more contact with DC, but so far has been unsuccessful in gaining more time.
• My ex constantly reports me to SS/school/police for the tiniest of matters as part of his 'game.' None of his reports have gone any further but his threats remain.

Here's the thing I haven't told anyone: I'm not coping. At all. On the outside, you wouldn't know it. On the inside, I shut the door when I arrive home and burst into tears, I'm barely sleeping, I'm tearful all the time, my thoughts are muddled and I find it difficult to focus. However, I always get up, slap on the makeup and present a different person to the outside world.

I really feel like I could do with taking some time off work with stress and I think that if I went to the GP and asked to be signed off, they'd do it. (My blood pressure must be sky high for a start.) However, I feel terribly guilty at the thought. I think the situation I'm in isn't the fault of my bosses. It's effectively my own fault because of leaving my ex-husband and the related fallout from this. I'd also be letting a lot of people down in my jobs and others would have to pick up the slack. I don't think anyone in my jobs knows how I feel so it would all come as a surprise that I'm suddenly not there and then it might seem that I'm making it up. More than anything, I feel that the upcoming court hearings are nothing for my bosses to need to worry about and that I should be able to do the prep work in my own time (the non-existent own time...).

AIBU in considering asking for time off for stress even though it's not work-related? Would it look bad? I honestly don't know what to do and am open to opinions on both sides.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Are you not able to cope? It doesn't matter how a leg got broken a broken leg is a broken leg and it impacts your work the same way regardless of how it broke. Same with your mental health. If you need time off you need time off.

Stress is stress. It doesn't have to be work related for you to be able to take time off ill. If you're ill, then you just are. You don't have to justify it. Your list of what is going on would have long broken most people.

I’ve just had time off work following a relationship breakdown. Take the time off if you need it.

Sounds like it's time to put yourself first. Get yourself that GP appointment

Like @Lovingitallnow said that’s like saying it’s your fault that you went skiing or whatever and broke your leg. In fact it’s literally saying it’s your fault that your ex is abusive, which it obviously isn’t.

and even if it somehow was your fault, stress is still stress. That logic applies to calling in sick with a hangover but little else.

That sounds terrible, OP, I'm not surprised you're not coping.
I appreciate it's not work stress and how you'd feel bad about letting work down. But realistically, if you keep going to work, you are not going to be performing at your best anyway. And a lot of us struggle without revealing things to those around us.
Do you have a sympathetic line manager you can discuss with (first)? Gives them a heads up, and you never know, they might have a useful suggestion of their own.
(If not sympathetic, I would go straight to the GP).

This is not your fault.

As a manager I would want you to come and tell me you aren't coping. Then I would want US to discuss how we best manage this, whether its some sick leave, some flexibility around working, or a temporary drop in hours... there are many more options than you think. And if want to know so that I can watch out for your "not coping".

Of course, not all managers or employers would be like this. But if yours can be, go talk to people. What you are going through is tough, and if you are the kind of employee that I think you are, I wouldn't want to lose you...

This is absolutely what paid time off work is for. You go to work to be paid money to love your life outside of it nothing more. That's like saying you weren't entitled to the maternity leave you took because you choose to have a baby! Please take the time you need to get things together, from the circumstances above I don't think any boss or colleagues would have anything negative to say at all, not that it should matter if they did!

You look after yourself

Your employer has hired a human with an entire complex life outside of work, not a robot that is unaffected by anything other than work.

Life has thrown you a bastard of a ExH curveball that you need a bit of time to deal with. You're under so much stress you're not able to work.

Go and see your GP and take the time off that you need. 💐

I'm so sorry OP.

I can empathise, having been a not-dissimilar situation (also abusive ex, single parent, financial worries, pressurised job).

I didn't take time off - I definitely needed to, but in my case, I weighed up the likely consequences, which may have been worse for me - I too, put on a brave face and no-one really knew. Having to do that probably helped in a way, although deep down, I'm still barely coping and dealing with the effects of years of this.

I'm a manager, and ideally, I would like a direct report to talk to me about this and I would do whatever practical I could do to help. I have done so for members of my team - I think my own situation has helped me be empathetic in a practical way, rather than just sympathising.

Given your description, on balance it sounds like you would benefit even from a few weeks of a break. Time to sleep, reset, work on key priorities.

Regarding feeling guilty - please don't. Even crappy employers won't think like this - they may be irritated that they have a problem to deal with but they will see it as that, not a value judgment on you. And any half-decent employer would want you to look after your health.

I work in a reasonably supportive environment, in one way, but also a challenging one, with many team / personnel issues. What I ultimately would have liked is my manager practically looking at my workload with me and seeing how we could alleviate the pressure. She wasn't interested in doing this (but would have been fine with me taking time off). However, I'm at a level where I have enough control over my work / calendar and schedule that I can to an extent make the role work for me, sort of. I personally worried that taking time off would send me into a great phase of over-thinking and ruminating and then I would struggle to return to work.

It’s really easy to fall in the trap of believing that you have to give body and soul to work otherwise it’ll all fall down. Reality is they will cope without you, and there is no sense in not taking out the time you need as they certainly will not be there to help you pick up the pieces for yourself.

Take time out. And do it properly, don’t try to rush yourself back.

A colleague of mine (currently sitting 5 desks away from me now!) needed 2 months stress leave when going through her separation 5 years ago - and your situation sounds much worse. You need some leave for your mental health - it's just as important as your physical health.

Despite what the reason is, despite who is or who.isn't at fault, you are medically unwell. You are stressed. Your bosses will probably be happy to hear that they are not the cause of your stress. Remember you work to live not live to work.
A decent employer will fully understand, have procedures in place to help.

See your doctor, accept help

If you were my colleague I’d want you to take some time off.

It doesn’t matter that it’s not work stress, you need to put your own health first

Sometimes the only thing you can stop is work, so while the stress may not be work related, work is where you can find some much needed wiggle room. Take the time off before you break.

Honestly, OP, if you were one of my team I would love you to come to me and tell me you needed the time off so that I could look at what I/we could do to help you, beyond just the time off.

It's not unreasonable to be struggling with stress that's non-work related; indeed I'd much rather know that it wasn't work related, as your employer.

I don't actually recall any of my team(s) over the years being off with stress-related illness that was work related - several with other causes, though, which we helped them with as far as we could.

Completely understand that you may want to keep this private, but if it's more that you don't want to be seen as having personal issues that may impact on your work then please don't let that stop you talking to your manager/HR.

If you had broken your arms skydiving and could not work, that would not be your bosses 'fault' but would have an impact. Mental health is the same.

Take the time that you need.

You may feel irreplaceable at work but the only please you are irreplaceable is at home to your son, family and friends.

Take care xx

You’re the second poster today who I’ve thought was me. Hang in there. You’ll get through it.

Id you need some time off, please do take it. It’s not your fault.

Just book the GP appointment.
Then just go.
Then talk. Then hand in the note to work.

Baby steps.

Unless work is holding you together, they will cope. And if they dont, its poor business planning.

Dont frame this as letting work down. Frame it as booking a health appointment.

Exactly this.

It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

Also you don’t need a certificate for the first week you self certify so be nice to yourself and do that right away.

Then make an appointment to discuss with your GP. Maybe some medication would be helpful and/ or some talking therapy.

Right now put yourself first and get through the next couple of weeks. If you are more rested you’ll advocate for your family more effectively.

Very best wishes to you.

It's not your bosses' fault and it's not your fault either. If a doctor thinks you need time off for your health, you must prioritise that; how useful will you be if you drive yourself to a complete breakdown?

People take time off work; the workplace should be structured to cope with people being on leave, including the odd unplanned bout of sick leave. Do it.

Thank you everyone. I've cried all over again when reading your lovely messages. Some of them really hit home.

I'm a mess inside but no one would know on the outside. This afternoon, I just kept randomly crying until I had to leave for the school run. (Luckily I was wfh but this isn't always the case.) Anyway, I did what I always do - trowelled on the makeup, let the wind outside hit my face and ran to school.

Having read all your comments, I've decided to book myself a GP appointment first thing tomorrow morning and then I'll take it from there. I'm very fortunate that the bosses in my jobs are very understanding and I know they'll support me - but then that makes me feel guilty all over again.

Anyway - small steps. Tomorrow I'll chat to my GP.

Thank you all. The kindness of strangers has really helped me this afternoon.

Guilt is a useless emotion 99% of the time and at a time like this it's downright dangerous. You wouldn't be asking any of this if you'd broken your leg; you'd know everyone would just accept that something had happened which made you unable to work for a little while until you got better. Ditch the guilt.