To take time off work even though it's effectively my own fault?

[helpmedecideplease123]

Here is a TL:DR version of my situation:

• I'm currently mid-divorce, 3.5 years after separation, with an abusive ex who, even after all this time, still tries to control me from afar (he can't come into direct contact with me).
• I'm a single parent and the majority carer (court ordered) to primary aged DC.
• I have a highly demanding professional role.
• I'm working three jobs and yet I'm only just making ends meet.
• I have two court hearings scheduled within the next fortnight.
• My money has completely run out so I'm acting as a litigant in person, including representing myself in court.
• There is an ongoing police investigating into historic abuse I suffered, part of which includes an interview later this week.
• The occupation order on the FMH, where I live with DC, expires next month.
• My ex constantly takes me back to court, usually to request more contact with DC, but so far has been unsuccessful in gaining more time.
• My ex constantly reports me to SS/school/police for the tiniest of matters as part of his 'game.' None of his reports have gone any further but his threats remain.

Here's the thing I haven't told anyone: I'm not coping. At all. On the outside, you wouldn't know it. On the inside, I shut the door when I arrive home and burst into tears, I'm barely sleeping, I'm tearful all the time, my thoughts are muddled and I find it difficult to focus. However, I always get up, slap on the makeup and present a different person to the outside world.

I really feel like I could do with taking some time off work with stress and I think that if I went to the GP and asked to be signed off, they'd do it. (My blood pressure must be sky high for a start.) However, I feel terribly guilty at the thought. I think the situation I'm in isn't the fault of my bosses. It's effectively my own fault because of leaving my ex-husband and the related fallout from this. I'd also be letting a lot of people down in my jobs and others would have to pick up the slack. I don't think anyone in my jobs knows how I feel so it would all come as a surprise that I'm suddenly not there and then it might seem that I'm making it up. More than anything, I feel that the upcoming court hearings are nothing for my bosses to need to worry about and that I should be able to do the prep work in my own time (the non-existent own time...).

AIBU in considering asking for time off for stress even though it's not work-related? Would it look bad? I honestly don't know what to do and am open to opinions on both sides.

Situations where you're under a load of pressure for reasons beyond your control (and that bastards behaviour is beyond your control) is literally what being signed off with stress is for. Go for it and I hope you feel much better soon.

You are the victim of an ongoing crime, coercive control. You would not begrudge a colleague recovery time after surviving a crime.

Have you been to Women’s aid or similar for advice or support? Any counselling?

What you are enduring is too much for one person to handle, let alone one person with three jobs.

💐

I'm glad you are going to see your gp. I have been off work for nearly 6 months after leaving my abusive ex and just starting to look at going back on a phased return in March.
I started off with primary care in the community for my mental health. But then moved under crisis care as I was suicidal and diagnosed with complex PTSD, dissociative disorder, depression and anxiety. The MH team and my bosses knew that work was an escape for me and had been for a while. But equally knew it was a stressful job that could have been triggering. So there has been a lot of communication between us all to be able to start back again. But ultimately my employer was really understanding.

Not read the whole thread.
However in reply to OP.

I went through something similar. There were bits of what you are going through I happily escaped but the stress sounds all too familiar.

Let me warn you like this. If you do what I did and "just pushed through" i.e. keep getting up each morning and carrying on with loads of makeup and a brave face telling myself/yourself you cannot afford not to because of the money/kids/whatever, then what happened to me might very well happen to you.

And that is this.
You get through the other side, have some kind of semblance of normal and think you might have made it, you start to sleep better and feel more like the old you.

And then. And then. Like me, you are diagnosed with something which was brewing all that time. In my case it was stage 3 breast cancer which had spread to my lymph nodes. It was caught in time for a mastectomy and chemo/radiotherapy in my case.

But, whatever any doctor on Mumsnet comes on to say about stress not causing cancer, I am sorry but I do not believe it. Somehow, somewhere it is affecting your body. Read The Body Keeps score.

It sounds as though you've got a lot of trauma that you've not been able to begin to process. You're constantly on high alert for the next abusive action and it's exhausting.
Better to take a week or a month now than have a complete breakdown and be off for months.

None of this is your fault. You are divorcing your husband because he is abusive. You are not responsible for the abuse, that's on him.

You are doing so well, but obviously need to take care off yourself, which is probably something you are not used to doing. Take the time off and look after yourself.

Goodness - some really hard-hitting stories here, many of which I can really identify with. Thank you for sharing and for helping to make my mind up.

@ScaredAndPanicky you hit the nail on the head with work being a form of escapism. It's a place where I can feel relatively normal for a while. A big part of what I do includes presenting and this gives me the chance to show my best side and not have to think about anything else. I'm sorry about how tough it was for you and, if I'm honest, that scares me more than anything. If my ex found out that I was struggling, he would use it against me BIG TIME.

@millymog11 I'm so sorry about what you went through. I firmly believe that stress impacts physical health and the book you recommended was actually also recommended to me by my counsellor so I'll add it to my book list. I really hope you're fully recovered now.

Bloody hell OP you deserve a medal for keeping all those plates spinning and after what you've been through. You need to look after yourself because when it's all over, and it will be eventually, you'll crash. Try and pace yourself and if that means taking time off work to concentrate on the most immediate (court) matters then so be it. I would disagree that any of your situation is your fault!

None of this situation is your fault. Absolutely none of it.

Yes you should go amd see your GP and get signed off. What is important here is you getting through this for your children. You need to put your emotional and physical health first in order to be present to support your kids.

Work will cope without you and still be there when you are out the others ode pf these next few weeks.

Sending lots of strength and un-mumnety hugs 💐

It sounds like you are suffering from post traumatic stress - whether or not this is PTSD or “just” stress after a series of traumatic events is really not important. If you can find a therapist who specialises in this it might be really beneficial. You could do EMDR or other techniques. Throwing medication at the problem is not likely to fix the situation long term (most antidepressants just make you feel numb which can help temporarily but doesn’t get to the root of the problem - which is needing to process your trauma).

Hi everyone,

I just wanted you to know that I read every one of your comments and took them all on board. I booked myself a GP appointment and have been signed off work for a month, with a review in three weeks to consider whether this needs extending. I wouldn't have seen the GP without the messages you all sent yesterday so thank you to all of you.

That's good to hear, OP. I hope the time off helps you feel a bit better about things and that you get back on top of everything. 💐

Hi OP
Sorry hear that you are under alot of stress . I have read all your thread and I would like to wish you all the best for the future
Pleased you have taken the first step towards your recovery to getting stronger

Take good care of yourself x

Aww OP, this really isn't your fault and it sounds like you have a very valid reason to be signed off sick.

Unless someone's job is the reason for an illness or injury, it's never the bosses' fault they need to be off ill. I don't think someone with cancer or a bad injury would question whether it's fair on their bosses/colleagues to take time off, so try to apply that analogy to your situation.

Wishing you all the best, I hope the court hearing goes well and I hope the stress lifts soon 💐

I once had six weeks off work because of stress. I needed to reset and rest after an acrimonious divorce so I get it. I'm very glad your GP has signed you off. Try to stop feeling guilty. No-one is indispensable and said they wished they'd worked more. Putting your horrible ex to one side, working three jobs isn't sustainable. You must be beyond tired.

1. Can you contact someone to go through your finances with you?

2.Please share your exhaustion with family and trusted friends who might surprise you with help and support.

1. Use this time to rest. Do not contact work. Do not let your ex know you are not working at the moment.

All the best

Buggeration! Should be 1-3.
If someone can help you go through your finances perhaps you can give up some of the workload on you.

Reading this hurt my heart, I'm so glad you're taking the steps to see and GP and get some help. It must feel so hard right not but don't give up, keep going. I can tell you for a fact that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I think a lot of people forget that mental pain is just as bad/impactful as physical pain and should be treated with just as much compassion and help.
I can't offer much more help that the other commenters haven't already given so I'll just leave some advice here that helped me get through my divorce as I was also a litigant in person. I couldn't afford to have a solicitor either, but there are lots of free online resources that might make your life easier during this process. This was the easiest one that I used - https://iamlip.com/ so i'll leave it here in case it might lighten the load a little.
Also in case you haven't tried it, see if you can get advice during a first consultation with solicitors as they can sometimes give free half an hour sessions. But before that, please take some time for yourself.

@Anita848 I've had a look and that's such a useful website which I will definitely be using. Thanks so much for sharing.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand unfortunately since ex left the FMH, I have had to pay the mortgage (which was based on both incomes) by myself and this, combined with the seemingly never-ending rises in mortgage rates plus COL, has meant that things are dreadful moneywise. Unfortunately I can't do anything about the mortgage as it's in both our names and therefore needs both of us to approve a new mortgage deal, payment holiday, etc. Ex will never agree to that so here I am, still married to him whilst paying 2k per month for a mortgage which he will still do very nicely out of, despite not having contributed a penny to for several years. I'm basically biding my time and scraping through until the divorce and finances are sorted, and I'm finally free. Until then, I just need to get through as best I can.

helpmedecideplease that is complete shit. I'm sorry. My exh decided to behave really badly when the marital house was sold and refused to sign some paperwork which effectively made me and his children homeless. Fortunately my lawyer suspected he would do this and organised a bridging loan for me so my house move could go ahead. It cost me financially but it was worth it when the bastard phoned me to find out where I was because he presumed I had been unable to complete and I could tell him his children and I were at our new house. The sound of impotent fury in his voice stays with me.
I really really hope you can get sorted

helpmedecideplease123 I should have said