To think my children should be able to be home for more than an hour during the day?

[Doesthisdescribeyou]

We got back about fifty minutes ago. Three year old and baby. Made lunch for three year old and he ate it, spilling a fair amount on the floor. He then lay on the floor so got covered in food. Took him to the toilet and he’d wet himself, ran to get clean clothes. Meanwhile the baby is crying and I’m running back and forth trying to sort her. As I’m trying (unsuccessfully) to feed her the three year old is going to his toy box and bringing toys into the lounge which now looks like a tornado. To my shame I ended up shouting.

Yet all morning we’ve been out and they’ve been delightful.

Am I doing something wrong here?

I have a three and one year old so feel your pain. Lower your standards and expectations. Sometimes food stays on the floor for a bit. It’s not the end of the world if the house is a bit trashed by the end of the day 🤷‍♀️

My general rule is feelings before cleaning. In practice, this means shutting the door on a messy kitchen to go to the park or adding more mess by cracking the paint out. We do a very slow tidy before bath time together… then me and DH clean up again properly when they are in bed.

The kids are happier because I’m spending time with them instead of cleaning around them and I’m happy because they’re not crying (well, not as much anyway).

Goodness me, have we all woken up on the wrong side of bed today?

OP, ignore the holier than thou comments, honestly the way you feel is perfectly normal. As is being frustrated and shouting. I empathise; all I want is for my house to stop feeling like a screaming vortex of chaos, but some days the only thing I see when I walk into a room is a never ending list of things that need doing and it's exhausting. Plus 3 year olds are hard, never mind with a baby in the mix!

Give yourself a pat on the back for getting through what sounds like a shit storm of a lunch, and enjoy the park

Gosh some of the replies on here are so judgmental. Ignore them!
You're not doing anything wrong and we all lose our temper sometimes when you're exhausted and overwhelmed (which is pretty much all the time when your kids are that young). Just apologise to your 3 year old and say mummy shouldn't have shouted.
I also agree that being out the house is soooo much easier, and it still is with my 7 year old!

It’s normal and awful. Does the baby sleep? Or are you in that hideous stage where you’re basically on duty 24/7, relentlessly, with zero sleep and zero time to be a human rather than a mechanism for your kids to wipe yoghurt on? The less sleep and the less break you get, the less patience you have for normal kid stuff: parenting is basically drudge work of clearing up mess and making food and doing chores for people who have zero gratitude for it, zero patience for waiting for it, and zero sense of not immediately undoing your efforts. It’s hard not to feel like you’re drowning, and just wanting them to PAUSE so you can exist in a moment without being surrounded by chaos.

I find I am on edge permanently with two children at home; marginally less on edge while out and about but I hate juggling the different needs of two, especially when one is too small to understand waiting their turn. It’s really hard! It got drastically better once DS started nursery and I got regular breaks; also DD was three when he was born and at nursery, now she’s four and at school. Her helpfulness and understanding and independence have come on leaps and bounds and it is miles easier.

But don’t beat yourself up: your three year old is being normal, so’s your baby, so are you. We all bellow sometimes or abandon all gentle parenting and let rip: it’s usually a sign that you’re pouring from an empty cup and you need a proper break, if such a thing is forthcoming. Accept any offers of help. Team up with other mothers on maternity leave and take it in turns to host the chaos: two parents against four kids is miles easier than one against two, even though the ratio is the same.

Things you're doing wrong:

Too much at once. I get it, I do it too and end up completely flustered. Wet clothes can be removed, three year olds are allowed to be naked for a bit at home, floor can be cleaned when everyone is sorted, it is a good thing he gets his toys to play with. Some children never take it upon themselves to go and play and want constant interaction so let him play and tidy up later. What exactly was he doing wrong by getting his toys?

@Doesthisdescribeyou I suggested the shower curtain because you can flip over the edges to cover the food until you have time to clean it up. Then if he lies down on the floor he'll be on the clean edge of the shower curtain and it won't matter.

Thanks all. I can laugh a bit now. I have no problem with toys but I’m not sure every toy in the house needed relocating at that precise moment. (and no, I’m not rotating them.) The contrast between my smiley, polite children from this morning and the chaos at lunch was stark however!

That sounds like a pretty normal morning with small children .

I think that's probably OP's problem. She'll have the same homecoming when they get in from the park. And tomorrow. And the next day and the next day...

Indeed. I’m not sure if that reply was trying to push me to despair or not!

Oh I remember these days so well 😭 many times I felt like running away.. I had a 3 year old and a baby who refused to sleep unless we were out of the house. As soon as I put the key in the door he'd wake up screaming in his pram and so off we'd go walking again!
I remember shouting at my 3 yr old DD and I spent the next hour crying 😂 oh god the madness!
Hang on in there op my two are 15 and 12 now and life is less chaotic. I don't miss those days!

How old is the baby? I’d be going back to work, so much easier, I wish I’d thought about before I became a SAHM. I was home doing everything, if I had my time again I’d have gone back to work quicker 😳

There's something about coming home after being out, where on a deep level you think "aaaah time to relax". That's how you are as an adult. It took me many many years of parenting small children to realise that I was expecting that feeling and not getting it and finding things really hard as a result!

Little kids rush into the house and keep up the same level of activity as outside, there's no sense of transition and catching your breath. It's more noticeable as you are really needing that moment to get yourself together.

Even now mine are around 10 they still ask for stuff the second we are in the house and I'm always saying (shouting ahem) "Just let me have a minute to get in!!"

"But you are in!" they reply impatiently.

It's not you, it's normal for a crap winter day with little kids I'm afraid.

Ah you haven't given up yet. You're still trying to have the pristine house. I honestly just gave that shit up and life became instantly better.

It's 30 years since mine were that age, and your post brought it all back! Perhaps your 3-y-o has been on 'best behaviour' while he was out, and now it's time to relax and test a few boundaries where it's safe to do so. Plus he's tired and crotchety.

There's no shame in ending up shouting. It's not ideal behaviour, but you're human too, and so long as it doesn't become a habit, you won't have done any lasting harm. As I'm sure you know, it's best not to get into a pattern of shouting, because if you do it'll escalate and you'll need to shout - more and more and louder and louder - to get anywhere.

No, you're not doing anything wrong, but as other posters have said, it sounds like you need to adjust your expectations. And go easy on yourself, because having two small children is relentless. You'll make the occasional mistake, and sometimes you'll handle things less than optimally, but your children do also need to learn that you're a human being.

Buy a swing for the baby. Put the tv on. Make a cuppa. You don’t have to entertain children every hour of every day.

Some of these comments are insane.
It's really hard.
It's just a bad day. Breathe.
Don't be hard on yourself. Everyday is different. Tomorrow will be better x

Haha, OP you sound like me. I used to fill a bag with healthy snacks/picnic, clothes changes, nappies and emergency supplies of calpol and arnica, stick it under the buggy then go out for the whole day whenever the weather was mild enough. Outside, DC were fine. Indoors, they just grizzled and sprayed food everywhere.

Leave the toys till they go to bed. Honestly you'd be forever tidying them up if you don't.

I have a 3.5 year old and a baby. The 3.5 year old usually lovely out of the house, probably people see her eating nicely in cafes and think she is a delight 😂 she is also pretty good at nursery, well behaved, listens to instructions etc. At home she is usually screaming, shouting, crying throwing things, breaking things, pushing the baby, doesn't listen to us at all, doesn't go to sleep until 10pm some nights. We spend a lot of time employing various strategies to manage this. E.g. is she seeking connection, attention, does she need downtime (she actually often calms down a lot if I put her in her bedroom for some quiet time by herself).

At the moment I am hoping it's partly her age.i think also she masks a lot outside of the house and lets go at home where she feels safe.

In conclusion, it's easier for us always be out as well but I guess she needs the time at home to unload. I can't say it's not super stressful though! Maybe you have something similar going on?

Oh my god, yes! My deep primal instinct when I open my front door after a windswept time in the outdoors is that I’m going to have a really hot mug of tea and a scalding bath, then read a book on the sofa and doze. It’s nerve-rattling that this simply doesn’t happen with small children in tow; it is against all laws of god and nature.

I preempt my five year old: when we get to the end of our road I start asking “what’s the rule when we get inside?” and reiterating it’s five minutes of no talking or questions or requests. It sometimes works. Mostly doesn’t and then I end up bellowing, especially when she rushes in under my arm as I’m unlocking the door then stops dead in the doorway to stand on the back of her shoes to take them off and yank off her coat without unzipping it, so me and the pram are stuck behind her on the porch, and simultaneously she’s going “can I watch TV where’s daddy is it bolognese for tea can I have a pudding let’s play Lego” while I’m still in “need to hang up my coat and do something while the baby is still imprisoned in the pram” mode. I’m tense just thinking about it and it won’t even happen today as she’s off sick anyway. Brrrrrr.

God. I gave up eating meals with my dc when they were 6 months and 3 for about 2 years. It was too stressful! Dd2 screamed until she was 5 and dd1 ate nothing and whined to get down.
Honestly op it gets more fun as they get older.

Also potty training dd1 before dd2 was born was a daft idea but hindsight....

These replies are depressing.

I have an almost 3 year old and a 4 week old so I very much feel your pain. My patience with older DS is wearing a lot thinner than it used to be pre-baby. And then I feel guilty for being less patient as it’s not his fault. And then I try not to overcompensate for feeling guilty. It’s a bloody emotional rollercoaster.

My absolute favourite is when DS 1 needs me to take him to the toilet, read stories while he poops and then wipe him. While trying to breastfeed a squirming DS2.

You're not doing anything wrong, OP.
Don't we all spend much of the early years muttering:
I just want a cup of tea.
Cannot I not have a wee in peace?
Stop asking me things.
When's In The Night Garden On?

Next week it'll be something different and then they'll be adults

Rare is the parent that has never lost their temper or patience. No one feels good about it, we just keep trying.