So emotional to move our from family home

[rowin]

Hi all,

Im 26 and still live with my parents and my brother. I have recently been looking at houses.

I am now in a position to move out and will be putting an offer in this week on a house that I like.

However, the whole thing is tinged with sadness. I feel really upset about moving out of my family home. I am so close with my parents and my brother, and I love spending time with them and even just sitting watching tv with them in the evenings etc. We have such a special relationship.

The thought of moving out and not being surrounded by my family anymore is a horrible feeling and the thought of never living with them and life as I know it now is making me so emotional I have tears in my eyes writing this.

The house in question is only 5 minutes away so is not far.

I just feel as though I am leaving my family behind and that things will never be the same again.

Aibu in feeling like this? Has anyone else felt like this before?

What is it that scares you, exactly?

I think I struggle to relate because we were poor and my childhood home was very crowded, and when I (eldest) left for university at eighteen, it was very clear I’d left — my sisters moved into my bedroom, any belongings I didn’t take went into the attic, and I slept on the sofa if I came back to visit in the vac. I was very welcome, but I’d definitely left home.

That wasn’t a problem, because I was dying to strike out on my own, and I moved overseas for postgraduate work and didn’t live in my home country again for decades. But ‘failure to launch’ is an form of economic privilege not available to all.

Enjoy your new stage!

Everyone I know went to university aged 18, got jobs and never looked back. So I can’t relate to this at all! I adore my young adult kids but I kind of hope they will want to move on to the next exciting chapter of their lives before 26.

Are you generally quite an anxious person? I don't actually see it as something positive to still want to live at home in your late 20's like you and your brother and not having developed proper independence yet.

By your age I had lived away from home for 10 years and was on my 3rd country to live in. I enjoyed seeing my parents too but for a week or so. Focus on what you are moving to rather than what you are moving away from.

I think my Mum found it hard when I left, but I only moved 3 miles away and she said that in her head she pretended I had just moved to a "wing" of the house 3 miles away haha and that helped her process it, and I still saw lots of her.

Think of all the benefits that come with living alone - can live completely on your own timetable and create your own routines exactly as you like them. Only have to deal with your own mess etc...

I get this, I moved out but only after I missed my parents, it took a little while. I would encourage you to ask friends over for a cup of tea, maybe lunch or dinner / drinks nibbles etc and things like this will help ease you in.

how lovely to have such a lovely family.

Ah I think some of the previous posters have been a bit uprupt here, it is sad, and scary to live on your own for the first time especially if you have a lovely and tight knit relationship with your family.
be proud of yourself that you’ve got into this position, and try and think about the fact that once you are settled you can repay your parents for their kindness over the years by inviting them over for dinner! I bet your parents and brother are so so so so proud of you for standing on your own two feet and as a mother myself I am almost tearing up at the fact that one day my son will be able to invite me over for dinner. It’s lovely, and well done for working so hard to be able to buy. I’m sure your parents are sad too, it’s bittersweet. Good luck with the move 💐

I felt like this too! Bought my first place at 25 but couldn’t face moving out of the family home for 18 months…my dad used to joke that my house was the most expensive Wendy house ever!! 🤭 In the end it was either move in or rent it out so I adopted a cat and moved in.

Absolutely loved living on my own, still went “home” several times a week but there’s nothing like having your own front door and space 😊.

Ah, it's a big step, OP. I remember moving out at 25, renting in the same street as the family home and sobbing my eyes out in the shower the first morning in the new house. It's lovely, and lucky, to have family be so close. It will ease over time. Good luck and enjoy the freedom!

If you're not ready don't move out. Don't listen to others, follow your heart.

Aw reading this has just reminded me that I was the same! I'd totally forgotten! I was excited at first getting a new home etc but then cried loads and felt silly too, but tbh it just ended up being like another place to all meet up 😄 I still visit them a lot and they visit me. You may find you visit them lots at first but once your house feels more like a home you'll not feel so strange or sad being away and will start to prefer your own home. We still have a group text chat where we're watching the same tv programme but in three separate houses and discussing it 😂 it's like all sitting together lol. You'll be fine. Cry if you want to 😊

Hi Op, I totally understand how this feels.

I too left my family home at 26 (parents and younger brother) and I was so deeply sad it was honestly such a huge adjustment for me.
The day I moved out I said bye to my mum and dad and I started crying, then my mum started crying and I went to live with my now husband (then fiancé) and I was just so sad I couldn't really even enjoy the feeling of freedom and the moment I finally moved in with my long term boyfriend!

But! Something slowly changed, it took ages and I literally visited my parents house twice a week for months, but slowly I changed and I became happier and more in control and a million times more independent.

I really understand what you said about watching tv with your parwnts in the evening! But you will be fine OP.

Come back to this post if you need to speak to anyone x

Yes I agree. You can be a close family and not living together well in to your 20's or in each others pockets. It's a normal part of growing up and a key life stage to 'separate' from family. Most people do that at a younger age than mid 20's. So I think it's a very good thing you are finally leaving, even if you will be nearby (I actually think it would be better for you if it wasn't only 5 mins away).

Whilst it's great you feel close to your family, it can be emotionally unhealthy, even stunting personal growth, if it goes too far. I think moving out, whether living alone or in a houseshare is a big part of growing up (I know you said you did this for uni but you also say it felt temporary). There is a sense in your post that to have stayed at home so long and feel so distraught at the thought of moving out, you are not yet a fully functioning, emotionally independent adult. Hopefully moving out will help you get some perspective on that. When you do finally leave, try not to be constantly popping back, seeing them all the time or leaning on your parents for support. Use this as the springboard to learn how to cope on your own.

What you don't want to end up being is one of the people that partners complain about on MN, so enmeshed with their family that any future partner or children come a poor second.

Just to offer a different view, you don't actually have to move out. It is a very western idea that kids move out. In many parts of the world, you have multi-generational homes including adult children. Do what your gut says.

Are you excited about moving in with your boyfriend?

My next down in age brother and I bought a house together, which was much easier - less quiet!

Do you have any deep down reservations about moving in and living with your boyfriend? Are your feelings trying to tell you something?
I hope you get legal advice regarding rights over your new home in case your boyfriend tries to put a claim on it in the future. Maybe you could live separately for a little while and then when you are ready and he has money to buy you could get somewhere together?
Basically is the boyfriend something to do with not feeling safe? Trust your feelings.

Yes, this is a good set of questions, especially for someone who is only used to sharing a home with close family.

It will be the best of both worlds. You have privacy with your bf, but you can still go and eat or spend the evening with your parents whenever you want.

Sorry but this made me laugh a bit- love the idea that a garden big enough to build a house in is standard!

It does seem strange that you're not more excited about moving in with your BF into your first home. Are you having doubts?.

It’ll always be your home. I moved out 20+ years ago but still let myself into my parents house (usually if I’m passing and need the toilet or a drink!)
my children ring the door bell but it’s a game to see how many times the can ring it before it gets answered!

You don't have to move at all, or conform to any social norms.

If it suits you and your family don't move out yet.

I wish I could rewind the clock.

Seriously, don't move out until you absolutely feel it's what you want, not what you should want.

I'm totally different to you. I left home at 17. As everyone else has said you have to be reasonably sure this is the right time for you. If it isn't don't go. That aside you will always have reservations. At some point is probably better for you to try and live more independently. Only you know if this is that time to try. If it doesn't work out you can go back. There is no problem in doing that. I wish I had had a family I could go back to. Have a go If you think it might work. Nothing is irrevocable.

Thanks everyone again for the support and lovely comments, it means a lot.

Sorry I should have mentioned that my boyfriend lives with us and has for the past 3 years, Hence why it may seem that I'm not excited to live with him, I am excited to have our own space but living together will be nothing new.

Hi,

Same situation and I am older than you. I spent my first night at my new place las night and my sister stayed over to help but I really struggled. I got a place about 10 mins from my parents but I totally get your anxiety. I had the same thing at university when I left but this feels different. Everything online I read says to occupy yourself as much as you can and that it takes time to adapt. I thought I'd be alot braver by now and ready to move but time doesn't seem to make you braver it's new experiences. Hope you are ok. I'm going to try phasing in nights at my new place maybe weekdays there and weekends at the my folks.