Pros and cons of relying on parents for childcare

[slamskunk]

30 hours a week or there abouts.

We have two days off each, but will overlap a day for family time.

One day of nursery.

30 hours is a lot! Mine did 26 hours a week with my first child which I thought was loads. It's also difficult to ask them to cover sickness or if you want to go out because they do so much anyway.

With my second child they didn't want the responsibility and dropped down to one morning a week which was better for them.

I would imagine it would be really difficult for your little one to settle at nursery if they are only doing one day. I would say they need two days minimum.

Also I would check with local nurseries. Some of them only take children on minium of two days or a certain amount of hours.

Nursery may not take her for just one day a week.

Personally I wouldn't use grandparents for regular childcare.

I've been reading this thread with interest. Isn't childcare a minefield? The suggestion on this and other threads is that grandparent day care is substandard and will be a day filled with TV, sugar and no interaction with others!

I'm a Grandmother and I'd like to share my experiences of childcare. I'm currently looking after my 11 month old granddaughter one day a week. Her other grandmother has her one day and the remaining two days she is at nursery. The generalisation that Grandparents are past it, opt for an easy day by pacifying the GC with sugar and TV, don't listen to their children re their way of parenting is insulting. Our Granddaughter is taken care of very well when she's in our care. We follow her parent's way of parenting. She is loved and cared for very well. We talk, read and sing to her, take her to the park, baby groups, cafes etc but if she just wants to relax and explore her toys at home then that's ok too. We all need down time! This is the same level of care my friends also provide for their grandchildren.

Regarding the comments on illness; in my experience so far, nursery often send babies home when they feel they're coming down with something. Sometimes my daughter and son-in-law choose not to send the baby to nursery as she's over tired etc so she'll come to one of her Grandmothers. This is far more often than a Grandparent being "unreliable" due to sickness. Grandparent day care is much more flexible!

Communication is key to Grandparent childcare being successful. If you don't like how something is going then please speak up for the sake of the child! I really do not take offence to my daughter asking me to do something a particular way. I know she loves her DD and is just being a great Mum.

Our Granddaughter will be going to nursery 4 days a week when she reaches the age where socialisation will benefit her. So around 2/2.5. At the moment nursery is providing care just as we are. They're doing a good job too.

So, in summary, if you are lucky enough to have willing and able grandparents offering childcare, please take it especially when the baby is young. The bond between grandchildren and grandparents is so special. I totally accept that Nursery would be a good choice when the child is wanting/needed to be with their peers.

Con:
As your parents get older, you may worry about their health when caring for your children. My dad has COPD and (loving and wonderful though he is), I worried too much that my kids were going to make him really ill when they brought bugs home from school, so I had to switch to non-family care instead.

I would recommend increasing nursery days to 2, to help settling in easier.

My main concern about so much care from grandparents would be enough developmental play and outings etc. Our parents would stick them in front of tv and give them junk.

We've had 2 days a week from my parents, dropping to 1 as she's gone to preschool.
Pros
They are super reliable/feed her well
Saved ~£400 a month in the early days
Happy to have DD even if she's sick
Do extra days out when it's quieter
Amazing bond

Cons
I never feel like we can ask for an evening as they do so much
Holidays/illness
I've noticed more with DH parents - much more flakey so often late or cancel last minute, they didn't appreciate that once the days at nursery are fixed that's it (I waited 20 months for the additional day), don't want DD if she's sick (which I understand too!) and generally less tolerant of routine/foods to avoid (frequent disaster naps/giving her dairy when she was intolerant)

Now when my parents are away I pay nursery for extra days!

We don’t have family close enough for any childcare so this is what I’ve seen from family and friends.

Pros
obviously cheaper
Can be more flexible - if you have shift patterns or days when one of you is travelling or working late.
Won’t send the kid home at the first sniffle.
Have a great bond with the grandchild.
The mountains of toys they get at Christmas and birthdays, it’s easy to say “this stays at grandparents house” because they need toys there.

Cons
It can bring out stubbornness in the parents, “I’ve raised 4 children, I know what I’m doing, I’ve never woken a baby from a nap and that’s been fine” while the working parents are being woken each night and trying to work.
It can bring out an entitled attitude in the working parents. DH’s friend would moan that while his in laws were providing free childcare, they were paying more to hear the house to make sure the house was warm. They would also get annoyed when his parents would holidays which included seeing their other grandchild in a different country.
Grandparents are sometimes not as strict as mum and dad would be. They will offer a different meal when toddler doesn’t like it, which mum and dad might not do.
Grandparent was vulnerable and during covid wouldn’t go to classes and hasn’t picked that up now as they don’t want to be ill.
Grandparents still get sick and when grandparents are sick, what is your backup?
30 hours is a lot. So you will have no back up. When they are sent home from nursery, which they will be, you don’t have extra capacity to ask grandparents to have them because they’re already doing so much. You have to juggle this between you. You also don’t have a backup for going out in an evening or at weekend by yourself.
Sometimes grandparent is happy with 30 hours when they are a tiny baby but as they older, they struggle to keep up more. Or they are happy to do it for 1 baby but when number 2 arrives, they feel they can’t look after both. Now you’ve got to find nursery fees for both.
Nurseries tend to not let you do one day as the child tends to not settle well.
When you have nursery you have to collect them by a set time, the late payments are (deliberately) extortionate. If you’re in a job that will push you to stay later, it’s easier with grandparents as they won’t charge you late payments or if your partner is in one of these jobs it’s easier for all the pick up to fall to you, even if you have stuff to do. If you have a couple of days in nursery, you and your partner each have set days for pick up and you can both work late if needed but it isn’t falling on just you.
Most nurseries offer a really varied diet with different tastes, which they might not get at a grandparents. The nurseries we’ve used have offered sweet and sour chicken, chick pea curry, tapas, bean casserole.

For me the pros are
Less costly than a nursery or childminder
More flexibility and usually not a problem if late picking up etc
May be willing to look after a sick child if no issues around their own health
Can work around a child's routine
Grandparents get to know their grandchildren better
A child can be looked after in their own home or at the grandparents' home

Cons
May pull out unexpectedly or at short notice due to illness or last-minute holidays
Grandparents may not cope with an active toddler or older child depending on their age or state of health
Tensions may develop or escalate if grandparents do not respect parents' wishes
Arrangements may change if there is more than one grandchild needing care
May be difficult to commit to specific days or times if grandparents are still working themselves

Long term you will always be beholden to a certain extent. Even if it is unsaid. Have seen it time and time again.
We paid for all our childcare and in the long run it's been priceless.

Want to add that DG have been wonderful with DS and really helped his development. They do more playing and variety of activities than I do! So I think it's been really worth it for all of us. I think you have to let go a bit and understand they are doing you a favour so you can't issue a list of demands.

However it can be a changing situation and they can have health troubles, additional grandchildren wanting childcare (which could cause tension) or just decide they have had enough! So you need to decide how important consistency is to you. Only you know how flexible you can be.

On the other hand they will have him if sick (unless D and V understandably)!

Ours have only done a day each though and I wouldn't want to ask for more.

We did it with both of our DC, my parents were retired and were desperate to have them, they watched them full days 3 days per week from about 10 months until the free nursery sessions kicked in at three.

Pros - money obviously, saved us a fortune, also very good knowing that DC were getting one to one attention (and totally spoiled), my Mum loved doing bookbug sessions and toddler groups with them and my Dad is very outdoorsy so he had them out all the time. Also they were happy to take DC even if they were ill, no phone calls asking me to pick them up because they had a temp.

Cons - very restricted with holidays etc as my parents went on at least two fortnight holidays per year and we had to use annual leave to cover. We didn’t get much leave then so we had to divide and conquer with it leaving very little time to be off together as a family. Also hospital appointments etc, one would take the other so we had to take time off to cover. Then if they were both ill at the same time we were a bit screwed but that didn’t happen often.

Overall I think it was good for the DC and they are very close to my parents as a result.

I'd go for 1 or 2 days and the rest in nursery- they learn so much from both

Most nurseries would want min 2 sessions a week so one day might cause problems settling in.

Your holidays will be set by when GP want holidays
Your child will only be exposed to things they want to do (my ILs won't do things like soft play or library classes only going on walks)
The GP may feel they spend more time with child so have right to have say in things
GP sickness short notice time off work for yourselves
You still need to spend time with ILs as well as a whole family even thought they see child regularly

My aunt and uncle care alot for their grandchildren and they do find it tiring what seems to work well for them is a mixture of full days and then afternoons collecting from nursery after morning session and lunch - obviously you then would have to provide additional car seat if nursery not walkable

Key thing to make everyone away of is they can't just change their minds if they find it too much and you would have to wait for availability in nursery to add hrs and one would assume the extra subsided hours mean that might be hard.

I think it depends on the relationship that you have with your parents/in-laws, and the kind of relationship that you build and maintain while they're doing the childcare.

The massive pro is, or at least should be, that grandparents actually love your DC almost as much as you do. No matter how warm, knowledgeable and energetic nursery staff or childminders are, they won't love your children like family members do. Especially for very young children, having a loving caregiver and building a close bond with a grandparent are really positive and pretty much irreplaceable.

The other obvious pro is that it can be free or waaaay cheaper than childcare. This might make you feel guilty. Be very grateful and if they won't accept money then treat them in other ways.

Cons are that it can be awkward telling your loving parents, who are giving up their time of their own volition, that you want or need things done in a particular way with your DC. If they are set in their ways and won't stick to your nap routine, or they feed your kid things you wouldn't want them to, or even if they refuse to take things like safe sleep guidance and carseat safety seriously, that can lead to some nasty family rows. Complaining to a nursery or childminder is easier because it's ultimately a business relationship.

Things like holidays and illness are an issue but that's the same with a childminder. However, older age can make illnesses more likely. This of course hugely varies from family to family. That said it's worth considering that if you have 2 kids with a 3 year gap, that's 6 or 7 years you might be relying on grandparents for pre-school childcare for, and people's health can change significantly in that time, especially for people in their 60s or thereabouts.

For:
Its cheaper so you save money.
Kids have a closer relationship with GP’s.
GP’s in theory likely to have a more vested interest in your childs welfare and educational development and they will have more 1 to 1 time than say they might have with a couple of 19 year old nursery staff. They may be quick communicators and appear bright initially from all the 1 to 1 time (but other kids over take them educationally so it evens out).

Against:
It’s very tying and tiring for your parents. They may not be in the best of health and be frightened to let you down and it could take a toll on their health. It could put a strain on your relationship with your parents as the child grows up if they are overly close with your child. You may have to bite your tongue a lot and go along with your parents views on child rearing even if they are out of step with current thinking and your thinking as you are not paying for a service you have to keep stum. Children may grow up to be a bit old fashioned, out of step with peers, less good at sharing, less sociable with peers, be a bit spoiled and more demanding and attention seeking than children who go to nursery and mix mainly with kids their own age. If your parents are ill you will have to take time off work at short notice.

We had no free childcare whatsoever and my parents didn’t even babysit for us for the occasional night out even for one of our birthdays. Yet they practically brought up my niece up who lives 5 mins closer and is just over a year older than my eldest. This took everything out of them so they had nothing left for a relationship with my children.

My Niece is 21 now lots of arguments between my sis, niece and my mum over the years and this is still going on. As my niece is forever telling tales to my mum who always takes my nieces side over her mums and everyone else, she has a boyfriend now but has no friends her own age now. She spends an unhealthy amount of time at my mums house now with her boyfriend and she always seems to hold court at my mums and would speak down to other adults as though she knew best and she has done this from a very young age. I was a bit jealous of the free childcare at first and the fact that my mum always raved about my niece and barely mentioned my children. But I think my two have turned out better for it.

It worked really well for us and meant DC had a very close relationship with GPs, which is lovely, but

• our relationship with DPs was very good beforehand. If anyone had any concerns about anything, they'd just be discussed and resolved without anyone worrying about stepping on eggshells
• it was always on the understanding that it would be their rules when DC were with them. I was happy that their way would be good enough/perfectly fine, even if it wasn't the way I'd do it.
• we always accepted that they could/would cancel for any reason. They'd give as much notice as they could, but ultimately if they fancied a gee days away. They'd have it and we'd have to make alternative arrangements/take leave.

A PP said problem if GPs are ill, which is true, but my DPs were happy to have DC when DC were ill, which other childcare won't, so swings and roundabouts

Grandparent here. We looked after DGD1 and DGS2 for two days a week from babyhood up to 3 when they went to pre-school. DGD started pre-school while DD was still on maternity leave with DGS so only ever had one at at time, apart from school holidays. I don't think we could have done 30 hours - 2 days a week was fine but any more would have been too tiring/tying. Now both are at school/pre-school we are redundant! Still do some school holiday care though. Have never had an issue with DD and SiL over food, naps, TV time, etc as we all respect each others opinions (which don't differ much anyway). Have always taken them out to playground, country park, swimming, soft play and read to, done crafts with, played with them. Have to say though that we probably couldn't have gone on much longer as we are getting older now and DH has been diagnosed with an incurable cancer (although currently well). Not likely to have any more DGC so no issue there but could be for some people I guess. Whether it works or not depends on the people involved I think but it can be good for all concerned and we have definitely built a bond with the DGC that we might not otherwise have done.

The pros and cons depend on the grandparent

Flexability and reliability are the pros, in the right setting

Potential cons
not following your rules, ie feeding them before 6 months because that’s how they raised their children, feeding them crap in general, skipping naps, cuddling to sleep, seatbelt rules? Giving dummies after we’ve with held them. These things matter less as they get older I suppose. My FIL took my child to hospital for ankle pain without telling me 🙃 I didn’t “know” these things before they helped with childcare. But they sure as hell don’t have my second child.

I'm a childminder and the amount of times I've heard "do you have a space, grandparents have changed their mind about having baby and I go back to work next week." Or I start off sharing care but by the end of the first year, grandparents do just an afternoon.

Depends on the age if under 2ish:
*Have 1:1 care with a loved one
*Grow bonds with family
*Always a priority and you don't have to worry about being neglected, hurt by another child as well as picking up bad habits. Also nappy gets changed quickly, fed when they need it etc
*With someone you can trust
*Have more flexibility
*Won't get constantly sick

All pros to me, if over 2 then a couple of days in nursery are good as they may need more stimulation, will learn more things than they would at home and also socialise with other children and start to make friends

It all depends on your relationship with them. If you have any issues, it will all be magnified once they are doing childcare.

My mum did an afternoon a week for me. She tried many times to use it as a way to manipulate me. I refused to let her, and in the end it settled down and was an overwhelmingly positive thing for all of us.

But it's a huge commitment for everyone. There needs to be a lot of give and take on both sides. They will take holidays, be ill, get invited places. So if you need rock solid childcare, you'd be better with a more formal solution.

A lot is going to depend on the grandparents. You need to know that they're going to cope with the child when they are a stroppy toddler, and of course their health and stamina is likely to decline, although hopefully not too fast. I think it's probably worth setting regular review points, so that it's relatively easy for the grandparents to say if it's getting too much.

Where grandparents are on the younger side, there may be problems if the great grandparents start needing more help, and the grandparents are stuck trying to help everyone.

Its tricky unless your current relationship with them is absolutely excellent, they and you are on the younger side and they don’t have a lot of social commitments it could work but I think maybe one or two days max would be more workable and doable all round. Anymore could be problematic.

Can you not reduce your overheads and or reduce your hours for a few years OP it is a massive ask. To put in several long days of childcare as you get older, stiffer a bit less mobile can take its toll once mid 60’s and beyond etc.

I’ve always operated on the philosophy of not employing someone that will make Christmas really difficult/awkward if you fired them.

I know that the benefits of grandparent care are extensive, however, my parents have sporting commitments, extensive oversea holidays, illness, regular coffee dates with friends - they genuinely would not fit in caring full time for a toddler and wouldn’t want to be tied down. However, they’re more than happy to step in for occasional nights out, holidays at grandparents for a few nights, emergency care of child if sick or daycare is closed.

If I were you, I’d try for three days in nursery and one with your parents/his parents (alternating if both are keen). Save their offers of care for emergencies or nights out. Don’t blur the role of grandparents and active parenting, cause with that many hours they cant help but to feel like they are entitled to have a say on parenting decisions… or at least that’s what I’ve witnessed in my friendship group.