Husband and debt/lies with very recent death of MIL

[Casuallydressed]

This is my first posting here so please bear with me! I’m fed up/exasperated beyond belief with my DH. This unfortunately comes at a time very soon after the death of MIL who had been terminally ill for some time.

Some background. We have 3 DC ages 6,5 and 3 and have been together 13 years. My DH has an addiction to cocaine, spent thousands and used everyday and hid this from me until about 3 years ago. I had my suspicions but every time I raised them he would brush them off as me being silly. He’s tried a few times to stop - and he doesn’t use daily now. However I know he’s used socially, and indeed as recently as last month when I found a rolled up bank note stained with blood and credit card in his vanity bag. I confronted him about using and he lied to me that he hadn’t - until I explained to him that every time I clean our room I check his vanity bag, and it wasn’t in there last time. He eventually comes clean and tells me he’s used at his cousins wedding. He drinks excessively - at least one bottle of not cheap wine a night. He always tells me he’s going to cut down - but never does.

He has lied to me multiple times over the years - about smoking/vaping/drug use. He only owns up once he’s caught out. Yeah I don’t like smoking/vaping/drugs. He’s an adult if he wants to vape/smoke fine - but a massive issue for me is also about lying. If he’s prepared to lie over something as minor as vaping - what else would he lie to me about? I never would have pinned him down as the unfaithful type - despite all his other flaws. But a couple of years ago I asked him to explain something that made me suspicious. His explanation was probably valid and likely. But because of how many times he’s lied to me in the past it nags me he may have been unfaithful.

He has always been financially irresponsible. I wasn’t aware of the extent until we got married. I have no idea how much he owes on credit cards etc. I know a couple of years ago he had unpaid debts with HMRC and he told me he had arranged a payment plan with them. Just recently he had a couple more letters from them saying he owed 18k first, then 12k. He told me they were part of the same debt and he’s paid some money off - that’s why it’s 12k now and he has a payment plan going forwards.
Roll on last week - a collection agency letter arrives for 18k on behalf of HMRC. I asked him and asked him to call them and find out what it’s about since he’s “sorted it”. Turns out he hasn’t. They’re 2 separate debts - he’s “apparently” arranged a payment plan for the 12k one, but the 18k one has been passed over. We don’t have a mortgage yet - because of all of his financial issues of the years. I’m incredibly fucked off with him that this now dents our chances for another 6 years. At which point we will be in our mid forties. This could have all been avoided had he called them in a timely manner and arranged a payment plan - which if made with HMRC doesn’t have an impact on credit scores.
I’m increasingly fed up of his lies and bullshit. He has caused fairly sizeable trust issues for me. I don’t know what else he might be hiding. He takes no accountability for his behaviour - his parents have enabled him all his life (paying off his debts at uni, buying in alcohol for him at their house and letting him drink a couple of bottles a night etc.) He might start trying - only have a glass a night, or go to an addiction meeting - but that’s all very short lived. I’m aware he’s got an addictive personality and addiction is a cycle -blah blah.
To make things more complex - MIL has been terminally ill for a couple of years - and she very sadly passed away 3 days ago. Before anyone says to cut him slack currently - ALL of the above issues would have happened had she been ill or not. They happened well before she was poorly, and I’m under no illusion that they’re not going to get ten times worse now.
I’ve currently been struggling with my MH for a few months. I do find it hard caring for the 3 DCs alone (he’s obviously been spending a lot of time at his parents house in the run up to MIL dying and he’s still there now - he’s an only child. None of our family live close by either so I can’t ask my parents for help too frequently) I’m going through an incredibly tough time at work currently that is being very drawn out that may result in some further financial issues. I don’t particularly enjoy my career, and I’m of an anxious personality type anyway.
I feel awful for DH - his mum was such a lovely lady and she suffered so much bad luck/hardship in her life. I’m trying to be as easy on him as I can - I’m letting him know it’s ok to spend as much time with FIL as he needs and I’m keeping everything going here. He’s a great Dad to our kids, and he’s actually a lovely guy. But I feel like divorce has happened for much less and I’ve let him get away with too much!
My parents have very kindly said that they will lend him the money to pay back HMRC. They’ve mainly said this as they are aware how worked up and stressed out I am from the financial issues he’s causing us. I’ve mentioned a couple of times prior to his mum dying last week if he would just make the call to HMRC and find out if the debt collection letter is legit and I’ll pay it off. He keeps making excuses (my mums friends are coming around, I’ve not had time etc) His mum died at the weekend and I didn’t mention anything. I’ve asked him - in the kindest possible way again today to call and then I can pay it. He’s been fine on the phone chatting about various things but then put the phone down on me when I brought it up.
AIBU to be incredibly fucking cross with him about this? He could have called and avoided the whole thing months ago! Now he’s made it ten times worse and my parents are mopping up (some) of his mess! I know this is the worst possible time for me to ask him - but he’s just got to make one phone call. I know he’s finding the time to go out with his friends whilst he’s over at FIL’s, I don’t see why he can’t do this!?
He’s caused me so much stress/sleepless nights with his issues recently, ontop of my own issues. It’s one fucking phone call - then I can deal with the rest for him? But he seems to think I’m being unreasonable asking him to sort this any time soon!
If you got this far - thanks for reading 😮‍💨

Having read all of OP's posts I don't know what the fuck you're on about.

You sound more like a "meany poster" than anyone else.

OP, addicts rarely find the motivation to seriously address their behaviour when they are shielded from the consequences of it.

Helping him with his debts will only prolong his decline and leave you and/or your parents in a worse position. You will have wasted more time and money and end up in the same inevitable shit, just older and poorer.

Please accept that he is currently powerless over his addictions and so are you. Take your power elsewhere, love x

@Casuallydressed

I was so shocked to read this today on another thread that I searched for it and going to post it here for you.

Man jailed after cocaine almost killed baby in Perthshire - BBC News

He has no reason to change his behaviour.

His parents have enabled it.

You have enabled it.

As far as he is concerned he doesn't have to do a damn thing until the support to carry on the way he is, stops.

Then he will kick off, lie, cheat, possibly get aggressive and nasty (possibly not if moving back in with his Dad is an option), make a bunch of false promises to try and get the support back to carry on the way he was.

To change, he has to want to. He doesn't.

To want to, he has to hit rock bottom. He hasn't.

Leave.

stop enabling him and please for the love of god don’t bail him out with your parent’s money!

he is in debt because he has been spending money he should have given to HMRC on expensive wine and cocaine.he is not going to change, in 5 years time you’ll be in the same position making excuses.

get out OP it’s the only way.

So you are wanting us to tell you because his mum died you should leave him in 2 months or something like that?

No @Casuallydressed you need to leave him NOW. Literally as soon as you have read this message you need to start packing his stuff into boxes. Tell him to stay at his dad's

How much more of his shit do you want to endure? I am sorry @Casuallydressed but everything you have told us has said that you are enabling his behaviour and he is nowhere near to wanting to get himself better. Leave him now.

You sound like you will need the money from your own parents. I don't think from reading your posts you understand that this man is an addict OP. He has run up debts.

I would move out or start making plans. Does he work?

Give yourself a shake, think of your poor children and leave the bastard!

If your parents would be willing to pay off the massive debt, then surely they would give you some money to set yourself up independently with your children.
Your children and their future are at significant risk here. You said that your parents had similar debt trouble when you were a child and now you are enabling a similar situation. Do you want any of your children to be one addicts or end up in situations like you? They are at risk of that while they are growing up in this environment.

I couldn't read it all, it became quite apparent not even halfway through that you need to leave this guy asap. See a solicitor and make sure he leaves with his debt's. You can do this 💐💐 you really should xx

Seriously if your parents have 30k floating around use it to set you and your DC up in your own home.

You cannot rely on your DH.

A colleague of mine expected her OH to inherit a house for them and by the time he'd taken loans out against the house and gambled the rest he had lost it all.

FIL might live 20 years anyway.

Put you and your DC first, you will never have peace of mind with this man.

Thing is OP, if Social Services found out your children's dad was a drug addict and that you knew about it and didn't remove them from the situation then they would be looking at you very closely. And that's exactly how it should be, most children are not forced to grow up with a cocaine using, lying alcoholic for a parent. I know this is your reality, but this is not normal. Most people's marriages are nothing like this and don't cause this level of stress, uncertainty and heartache. You need to protect them and remove them from this situation.

I understand you feel the timing is difficult, but it is his actions that mean this should be the end of the road for you. He's staying with his dad, I would suggest he does that for a while and you ask your parents for help and plan for separating and divorce.

The timing may not be great but there will never be a good time. He will use this situation to manipulate you and make you feel sorry for him. Stay strong and get out now.

I voted yabu because you have and are enabling his behaviour but I think you know that.

He’s not going to change, he doesn’t need to.

He isn’t a lovely man and great father. A lovely man and great father would put his family first

Don’t you dare let your poor parents bail him out. Your poor kids growing up in a house with a drug addict for their father. Do the responsible thing and leave him. Start planning now. Nothing is going to get better for you. You owe it to your children to get out. he is not a good man or a good dad.

So just to be clear, you've decided you will leave him, it's now just a matter of timing? Or are you still undecided?

You mention that his parents have enabled him, but you have too, and if you stay with him, you're still enabling him. What sort of life do you want for yourself and your children? Because you honestly deserve so much more from life than he is capable of giving you.

Do not let your parents pay off the debt. Get legal advice and plan your escape from the marriage financially and practically. That will take a little time, but you've put up with so much already that it hardly makes a difference. You don't need to tell him this just yet, just quietly plan in the background until after the funeral. You know already his addictive behaviour is only going to get worse.

Your enablement of him has to stop, op. I don't say this to be mean, I say it from a lot of personal experience. Please find the strength to leave. You sound like a lovely, caring, considerate person. Unfortunately that is part of the pattern with addiction - addicts always have kind, considerate, caring partners behind them who feel that they can change them, make them better, and sadly end up feeling responsible for them.

You need to be realistic, too. If you leave, he may self destruct. He may of course turn his life around when he hits rock bottom, but you have to be prepared for the worst. You have to be prepared to raise your children without him, and certainly with only limited contact with him. But it sounds like you have a good, supportive relationship with your own parents, so you won't be doing it alone. What's the rest of your support network like? I second going to Al-anon, whatever you decide.

Do not allow your parents to lend him money! They'll never see it again.

And leave him. If you're married, his debts are your debts.

Please @Casuallydressed do what is best for your children ( and you ).
You cannot have a financially irresponsible (your words ) drug addicted alcoholic living with them.
Think of the emotional harm that will occur.
That emotional harm has possibly already impacted your eldest two.
You are in the lucky position of having supportive parents.
Please get him out.
You and the children are not a priority for your husband.

Wow a lot of strong opinions on here - you’re an enabler, he’s a bad dad, you should leave him. New poster here, normally lurk but felt I needed to chime in on this topic, forgive me for not using the right abbreviations.

Ultimately, it’s about your kids. They are the innocents in this and you have to take steps to protect and raise them - be that alone or with your DH.

I’m not going to chime in on AIBU but I would flag a few things from a financial perspective only (take the drugs and cheating out of it)

1. HMRC is not a credit card debt or loan etc it’s unpaid taxes. So I’m concluding he’s self employed and has not filed his self assessment ? A lot of the time, income tax debts come with pretty significant penalties (thousands) PLUS interest if not paid, so clearly he has made a bad situation worse. this is not a great sign
2. What I would be concerned by, even if your parents or his DF, were to bail him out, he’s got the ability to cause this issue again, worse he knows that other people will pick up the slack.
3. I hate to be pragmatic but I think not enough parents are when dealing with finances, there may be another debt about to land. From experience, you can file SA from Oct - Jan for the previous financial year, so my guess is these debts are from previous yrs (before 2023) he doesn’t strike me as the most proactive person, so guessing he’s filed up until the deadline (I hope, and not just missed it). If he’s filed, then taxes owed for 2023 are about to land - and HMRC expect paying immediately. Especially as it for income he’s already received.
4. which goes to my next point - HMRC debt is treated very differently than consumer debt in the eyes of the law - there is little sympathy for non payment as the individual has received the income. Unlike consumer debt where you could plead a change in circumstances and they would be open to help you, income tax is based on earnings that have hit your bank account - not having the money to pay isn’t a defence as you did have it but YOU CHOSE to spend it rather than give it to the government. They probably know that he doesn’t have a residential asset which is why they have gone to debt collectors, but if he was to do this in the future AND you had an asset (mortgage free if it is through an inheritance) you would be in a awkward situation.
5. just it flag once HMRC know you have an issue paying your taxes, your future self assessments are heavily scrutinised and they can “randomly” audit you. So again, if he manages to sort out the debt today, he could be caught again and it’s worse for a repeat offender. You can only claim ignorance to the system once.
6. this isn’t going to go away and ignoring it like he is doing is going to make this worse (it already has). I am a 100% natural procrastinator, but as a parent you can’t afford to be. Not engaging with the debt collector will cause them to turn up to your house, which they will charge your for, potentially incur more interest PLUS they have the right to repossess items. Take away the traumatic experience for you and your DC, they can and will demand payment upfront to stop this (YouTube don’t pay and we will take it away if you don’t believe me) at which point you will be scrambling around to raise funds which is embarrassing as heck for you. Better to organise a payment plan TODAY to stop this from escalating further, sadly as the debt is in his name, you won’t have authority to engage with them, so he needs to get his head out of his arse and take responsibility.

thats my 2 cents - there is no right or wrong choice and tbh we can’t help you make the decision. But you should go into this with your eyes open and think about how your kids will be impacted. I grew up in a home with financial hardship (Ballifs, late taxes, CCJs) and it has impacted me greatly into my adult life - both in positive and negative ways.

NO NO NO

DO NOT LET YOUR PARENTS PAY HIS DEBT

it is HIS debt !!!

If your parents have spare money that they are happy to spend, and not want / need it back, get yourself somewhere to live for you and your children and get a divorce !

His mess - he sorts it !

I read only half your post - only want to tell you one thing,

You deserve better.

Do you really think he's a lovely man as you said? Because he doesn't sound like one.

Why on earth are you ok with your parents bailing him out for that amount of money? Do you expect them to do the same in a few years when he does the same thing?

You complain that his parents enabled hum but so have you. And now you are encouraging your parents to do so. Sounds like you have your excuses lined up too - mental health and work issues? It's the kids growing up in this mess that are the concern here -you chose to get involved with and stay with a dishonest, financially irresponsible drug and alcoholic addict -they did not. You sound more concerned with whether he was unfaithful than the impact this has on your children.

He has no incentive to deal with things because everyone, including you, keep helping him do it. Leave build your kids home and lives. If much further down the road he's dealt with his situation that might be different but even then your finances and home should never be at risk.

Again you chose to put yourself in this mess, your kids did not. And it could have a life long impact on them. As perhaps (or perhaps not) witnessing your parents did on you. Be a proper parent and put your kids first.

At no point did I encourage my parents to bail him out. I actually mentioned separation and my DM backed him up saying he’s having a hard enough time as it is (she’s aware of his addictions) and that they would lend him the money. After others input - I don’t think it’s wise for him to have it either.
My excuses? They are legitimate and I deal with work issues and anxiety as best I can. I work in a extremely stressful profession. I try my hardest to ensure my anxieties and stress don’t spill over into my children’s lives. Anxiety is a personality trait. I shield my children as much as possible from the fallout from this - and he’s never drunk or high infront of them - drug use is not in the house. I’m not defending him.
I’ve not gone on about possible infidelity - I’ve mentioned it once. A previous partner was a serial cheat and gaslighter - so that might be a bit of an issue for me- you know.
FYI - I had no confirmation of drug use - aside from when he discussed he’d used when at uni, prior to having any of my children with him. When youngest was months old he came clean. He slipped into the daily wine over time. The lies only became apparent once the drug use was owned up to. Lockdown/maternity leave/ anxiety and all other things were happening at the same time and cloud your judgement. I feel things are getting clearer for me now.
It must be amazing being you - you’ve clearly got it all in order.
I would NEVER have chosen to be married to an alcoholic, drug using, lying and debt riddled man. I don’t think anyone does - you fall into it and slowly comes the realisation and then the strength to leave them.

Two things OP:

1. HMRC don't muck around. If he's still lying about payment plans and amounts owed, he could end up in prison. DON'T let your parents pay - he may name them as guarantors or something else that gets them involved
2. Keeping his drug paraphermalia in his vanity bag strongly suggests that he's still a habitul user and rotates his hiding places, always ensuring that his stash is near at hand

Run for the hills!

Casuallydressed -

I do not and am not claiming to have my life sorted or perfect. And I understand how situations can develop and spiral. But you are the one posting about a DH you say is a liar, has got into serious debt and drinks every night and will not give up cocaine -and might have been unfaithful. And how you are both putting three kids through this.

Perhaps watching your parents and their financial issues plays a part or perhaps not. He's got his problems and it sounds like everyone in his life (including you) enables him and it's come to this point.

You are asking for opinions. Ok - leave him and build a safe and secure home for your kids. They deserve a proper environment . You are deluding yourself if you think kids as they grow up and begin to understand can be shielded from the fallout of this lifestyle. You are also both modelling what a relationship can be like to them. Or do not and post in a few months or years about a similar situation.

Oh and I know what anxiety feels like and am sorry you are experiencing it. But that's not a reason to stay Sounds like you have parental support so use it for yourself and your kids. You can be annoyed by what is posted in response or focus on getting your kids and yourself out. What would you tell one of your kids if they found themselves in this situation?