This is my first posting here so please bear with me! I’m fed up/exasperated beyond belief with my DH. This unfortunately comes at a time very soon after the death of MIL who had been terminally ill for some time.
Some background. We have 3 DC ages 6,5 and 3 and have been together 13 years. My DH has an addiction to cocaine, spent thousands and used everyday and hid this from me until about 3 years ago. I had my suspicions but every time I raised them he would brush them off as me being silly. He’s tried a few times to stop - and he doesn’t use daily now. However I know he’s used socially, and indeed as recently as last month when I found a rolled up bank note stained with blood and credit card in his vanity bag. I confronted him about using and he lied to me that he hadn’t - until I explained to him that every time I clean our room I check his vanity bag, and it wasn’t in there last time. He eventually comes clean and tells me he’s used at his cousins wedding. He drinks excessively - at least one bottle of not cheap wine a night. He always tells me he’s going to cut down - but never does.
He has lied to me multiple times over the years - about smoking/vaping/drug use. He only owns up once he’s caught out. Yeah I don’t like smoking/vaping/drugs. He’s an adult if he wants to vape/smoke fine - but a massive issue for me is also about lying. If he’s prepared to lie over something as minor as vaping - what else would he lie to me about? I never would have pinned him down as the unfaithful type - despite all his other flaws. But a couple of years ago I asked him to explain something that made me suspicious. His explanation was probably valid and likely. But because of how many times he’s lied to me in the past it nags me he may have been unfaithful.
He has always been financially irresponsible. I wasn’t aware of the extent until we got married. I have no idea how much he owes on credit cards etc. I know a couple of years ago he had unpaid debts with HMRC and he told me he had arranged a payment plan with them. Just recently he had a couple more letters from them saying he owed 18k first, then 12k. He told me they were part of the same debt and he’s paid some money off - that’s why it’s 12k now and he has a payment plan going forwards.
Roll on last week - a collection agency letter arrives for 18k on behalf of HMRC. I asked him and asked him to call them and find out what it’s about since he’s “sorted it”. Turns out he hasn’t. They’re 2 separate debts - he’s “apparently” arranged a payment plan for the 12k one, but the 18k one has been passed over. We don’t have a mortgage yet - because of all of his financial issues of the years. I’m incredibly fucked off with him that this now dents our chances for another 6 years. At which point we will be in our mid forties. This could have all been avoided had he called them in a timely manner and arranged a payment plan - which if made with HMRC doesn’t have an impact on credit scores.
I’m increasingly fed up of his lies and bullshit. He has caused fairly sizeable trust issues for me. I don’t know what else he might be hiding. He takes no accountability for his behaviour - his parents have enabled him all his life (paying off his debts at uni, buying in alcohol for him at their house and letting him drink a couple of bottles a night etc.) He might start trying - only have a glass a night, or go to an addiction meeting - but that’s all very short lived. I’m aware he’s got an addictive personality and addiction is a cycle -blah blah.
To make things more complex - MIL has been terminally ill for a couple of years - and she very sadly passed away 3 days ago. Before anyone says to cut him slack currently - ALL of the above issues would have happened had she been ill or not. They happened well before she was poorly, and I’m under no illusion that they’re not going to get ten times worse now.
I’ve currently been struggling with my MH for a few months. I do find it hard caring for the 3 DCs alone (he’s obviously been spending a lot of time at his parents house in the run up to MIL dying and he’s still there now - he’s an only child. None of our family live close by either so I can’t ask my parents for help too frequently) I’m going through an incredibly tough time at work currently that is being very drawn out that may result in some further financial issues. I don’t particularly enjoy my career, and I’m of an anxious personality type anyway.
I feel awful for DH - his mum was such a lovely lady and she suffered so much bad luck/hardship in her life. I’m trying to be as easy on him as I can - I’m letting him know it’s ok to spend as much time with FIL as he needs and I’m keeping everything going here. He’s a great Dad to our kids, and he’s actually a lovely guy. But I feel like divorce has happened for much less and I’ve let him get away with too much!
My parents have very kindly said that they will lend him the money to pay back HMRC. They’ve mainly said this as they are aware how worked up and stressed out I am from the financial issues he’s causing us. I’ve mentioned a couple of times prior to his mum dying last week if he would just make the call to HMRC and find out if the debt collection letter is legit and I’ll pay it off. He keeps making excuses (my mums friends are coming around, I’ve not had time etc) His mum died at the weekend and I didn’t mention anything. I’ve asked him - in the kindest possible way again today to call and then I can pay it. He’s been fine on the phone chatting about various things but then put the phone down on me when I brought it up.
AIBU to be incredibly fucking cross with him about this? He could have called and avoided the whole thing months ago! Now he’s made it ten times worse and my parents are mopping up (some) of his mess! I know this is the worst possible time for me to ask him - but he’s just got to make one phone call. I know he’s finding the time to go out with his friends whilst he’s over at FIL’s, I don’t see why he can’t do this!?
He’s caused me so much stress/sleepless nights with his issues recently, ontop of my own issues. It’s one fucking phone call - then I can deal with the rest for him? But he seems to think I’m being unreasonable asking him to sort this any time soon!
If you got this far - thanks for reading 😮💨