MIL thinks I don't ' put the kids in the clothes she gives them '

[rantyMIL]

MIL and my mum gift the kids a lot of clothes. I also buy my fair share of clothes for them when required.

I graciously accept the gifts for birthdays and Christmas etc. but seeing as there are a lot of them- I just put them in the cupboards and use them as I see fit.

I remember who gave maybe 5 percent of items.

I love the clothes she buys for my kids. But she's somewhat possessive about when and how the clothes are worn.

Sometimes she'll give stuff and says they should wear it for special occasions like Christmas or birthdays.

She photographs everything she gives us and then asks if things have been worn.

I also recently found out that she told my mum that I don't use the clothes she gives us. It's absolutely not true. She sees the kids once every couple of weeks, so she just doesn't know what they wear day to day.

It's really irked me because I always felt like she thinks I'm being spiteful in not putting the clothes on my kids, but to have it confirmed, has enraged me slightly.

There are lots of things like this. Recently I posted about a birthday card situation and how she picked out birthday cards from her and her children and displayed them in my house ( after I had tucked them away in an obscure kitchen cupboard ).

She just gives me bad vibes. Like she thinks I'm spiteful, when I'm not. Just because I don't act exactly like she thinks I should.

Going back to the clothes - I really do use them and I am super miffed she complained to my mum that I don't.

Whenever she comes over or I see her, I have this knot in my stomach. I just get bad vibes.

Take a photo every day and send it to her. That was she will see they do wear the clothes.

Take photos of the kids in the clothes 🤷‍♀️ or ask your mum and MIL not to give clothes any more.

I would tell my mum not to tell me what MIL said any more as it clearly bothers you. I bet that she doesn’t give her own child any hassle about what the kids wear.

How tedious. Why is talking to your mum, why is she snooping around in your home, and why isn't your husband dealing with her?

i think you could send pics of the DC in the clothes and say thanks, that would solve that.

And yes, tell your Mum not to pass on stuff like that.

And don’t have your MIL round unless DH is there and he can manage her. But I also don’t think she sounds that bad. Bit weird, but not that bad.

I remember your birthday card post. Your MIL has some serious control issues and narcissistic traits. If you send her pictures of the kids wearing clothes, it won’t be enough and something else will crop up. I think you need to take a step back and work out your own boundaries with her both internally (your emotional protection) and externally (how much and what type of physical contact). If she has you feeling like you have a knot in your stomach when you see her then she is beginning to have a really unhealthy impact on you.
Look after yourself here.

I also remember the card thread. She's overstepping and trying to control too many aspects of your lives. You can't change her but you can change how you respond to her. Personally I wouldn't appease this by saying you do use them or by sending photos - I'd completely ignore her.
I also think you need to get more comfortable in telling her when she's overstepping in your house!

Just tell her DH dresses them. Does he?
Refer her to him.

I don't have time to take pics of my kids outfits or to even think about who gave them what and what I bought myself.

I just don't even remember and I shouldn't need to do it.

Fair enough doing the pic thing if you get gifted the odd outfit, but not if it's the majority of their stuff and I just can't even remember every day.

I have a full time job and two kids and a household to run. I do not have time for this crap.

It makes me want to throw all the clothes out.

My mum should definitely be telling me this stuff cos I need to know. Any time I've ever confronted my MIL about anything, she gaslights me and makes me feel like I'm crazy - she's called me crazy before - so whilst I am annoyed - I am also relieved that it's not in my head and that she does really have some issue with the clothes and thinks badly of me. She always denies it. If I mentioned it, she would say it's in my head. I'm so glad my mum told me.

Tell her to take it up with her son. I bet he gets off Scot free

Even if they didn't wear them, once the gift is given it's up to the recipient to use or not use as suits them.

It's not on you to prove to her what your children wear day to day.

I don't remember your other thread but if there's ongoing issues and drama with her maybe it's time to politely decline or suggest she doesn't buy children clothes, or would that be another source of conflict and drama for her?

This. You work full time but I bet she's never had a go at her actual son about this has she?!

Some people have too much time on their hands! Just casually reply ‘yes, they wear them’, leave it at that and change the subject. She’s being ridiculous.

I have an overbearing MIL who also seems to think every other woman is like her (and that if she’s not, she should be).

After many years of dealing with her, I now only reply to texts etc when I can be bothered. Otherwise I either ignore them or ask DH to talk to his mum about whatever it is. I reply to maybe one every few weeks.

I don’t have the time, energy or goodwill anymore to deal with her. She’s retired and lives for this shit.

Next time she gives you something to be worn on special occasions dress your DC in it to go to the park/soft play etc. until its worn to death. Then put them in it the next time she visits and when she objects that she wanted it kept for special occasions try a head tilt and comment that you just can't win as one day she says they don't wear her clothes enough and the next that they wear them too much. Maybe a concerned face about whether she's suffering from memory loss.......

Forward all these batshit messages to dh. He can take the photos or tell her to grow up...

Why do you even see this woman? You don't have to, you know. You don't have to answer her questions or listen to her criticism. I'd tell dh that she only gets to come over when he is there to deal with her and then block her number and tell your mum etc that you'd prefer they didn't socialise with her.. Since it's their right to see her if they want, I'd tell my mum not to discuss me or the kids either her.
The less she knows and the quicker you shut down any interference, the better. If she starts again with the card shit, you should ask her to leave. You have to teach her to respect you!

No time to take a photo @rantyMIL ? It takes a few seconds. Less time than
posting on mumsnet.

Every day ? No I don't have time to waste on that kind of thing, just to prove something. If it happens to be that I took a photo and they're wearing it, that's different.

But I won't spend mental energy to do this on purpose.

You see her often. I adore my mil and only see her once a month.

Could you see her less frequently?

Why should OP faff about taking photos of the kids wearing the clothes, that’s madness. They’re a gift - you hand them over, say this is for Name then forget about it. You shouldn’t give gifts with stipulations.

DP’s mum is the same, when DD was a baby she would bring clothes and insist we changed her into them immediately because she wanted to see her in them. Cue meltdown from DD as babies don’t like being dressed, so eventually I just said no, leading to much pouting. And lots of ‘had DD worn that dress/top yet?’. Just annoying.

She’s the same with presents, she HAS to watch every gift being opened by the DC which is awkward as they’re at the age where if they don’t like something they’ll just cast it aside, and have to be reminded to say thank you. It’s all a bit forced tbh.

My family are so relaxed, they never check up on gifts and certainly don’t need to watch them being opened. As far as they are concerned you give a gift and that’s that, it isn’t an ego trip.

Utter madness. Why kow tow to these silly rules 😂

@Naptrappedmummy yes !! Ego trip is a good way to explain her behaviour in general tbh !

It's not about the time it takes to send a photo, it's the principle and you shouldn't have to. Fair enough if it was one special outfit but keeping track of multiple outfits and getting kids to pose for daily photos is just unnecessarily hard work.

My MIL is the same, she once accidentally sent a message to our family group chat moaning that we never dress DD in the clothes she buys. Then when DD outgrew things, MIL wanted all HER things back to regift/sell on. You can't gift things and then control what people do with them!

I'm totally missing the point, but I try and put my kids in the stuff my mum or MIL have bought them when we are going to be seeing them, sort of for this reason. Although I obviously don't always remember who bought what.

That's the whole point though, I don't remember.

I may get 5 outfits for each child from each grandma, plus stuff I got them myself.

Sometimes I know who got them stuff, other times I just don't know.

It was my DD's birthday recently and each grandma gave 1 dress. Of course I remember that. But sometimes they give 5 or even more things, at the same time usually ( say Christmas ) and then I'm not sure. Do I need to write it down ? MIL likes to write down what people gift her and her kids, but I don't want to do that.